Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 22:04     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I agree with everyone. The biggest problem is that OP is approaching this as a standard affair where the infidelity is between the husband and wife. The parents decide how they want to handle it and present their decision as a united front to the children. Sure, some kids are angry and feel betrayed but they are never directly involved.

In OPs case, the DH was caught by the daughter. She had to first deal with the disgust/anger on her own and muster up the courage to tell her mom. Then the biggest betrayal of all - her dad calls her a liar. And after her father breaks her trust in the sleaziest of ways - her mom wants her to forgive and forget.

Like it or not OPs DH INVOLVED his children in his affair. The regular approach does not work when the adulter is gaslighting the kids and making them a party to his actions. Your DH was emotionaly abusive to your daughter. You have deal with abuse before you deal with infidelity not the other way around.

I also really wonder if your daughter told you everything she knows about her father’s affair... She might have witnessed a lot more filth than youre aware of OP.


Kids are absolutely involved as time and resources of that parent are diverted to the AP (and it doesn't matter if it was this particular woman because if it wasn't her it would be someone else). Dad could spend the time he spent with the AP with the kids. Dad could have spent the money on the families needs or savings for retirement or college.


Oh, I completely agree with you. What I meant to say is that in more conventional affairs, the primary victim is the wife, and the children are the secondary victims.

In OPs case the children are the primary victims and the wife is the secondary one.

If this is family triage - you guys have to focus on the people who were the most victimized first. OP, this is not the time to be deciding if you’re going to stay married or divorce. It’s time to focus on your daughters. Separate from your DH for 6 months or so, just so you can give your daughters some space to heal. Having to wake up every day knowing that mom has already forgiven their father and is just waiting for them to go back to being happy golucky kids puts a lot of pressure on the girls. They must truly hate being home right now.

I also wonder if OP is scared to do this because a little part of her thinks he’s going to cheat again?
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:55     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
Anonymous wrote:My mom did this to me

She was too weak to leave. My dad always blamed me for telling her and we never had a good relationship. I was uncomfortable in my own home, with my own parents for years.

They finally divorced and my mom and I are fine now.



Op, I woiuldn't let him in until my older daughter who caught him agreed to letting him back home. She will be uncomfortable in that house. It will never feel like home until she can forgive her father.

Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:48     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I agree with everyone. The biggest problem is that OP is approaching this as a standard affair where the infidelity is between the husband and wife. The parents decide how they want to handle it and present their decision as a united front to the children. Sure, some kids are angry and feel betrayed but they are never directly involved.

In OPs case, the DH was caught by the daughter. She had to first deal with the disgust/anger on her own and muster up the courage to tell her mom. Then the biggest betrayal of all - her dad calls her a liar. And after her father breaks her trust in the sleaziest of ways - her mom wants her to forgive and forget.

Like it or not OPs DH INVOLVED his children in his affair. The regular approach does not work when the adulter is gaslighting the kids and making them a party to his actions. Your DH was emotionaly abusive to your daughter. You have deal with abuse before you deal with infidelity not the other way around.

I also really wonder if your daughter told you everything she knows about her father’s affair... She might have witnessed a lot more filth than youre aware of OP.


Kids are absolutely involved as time and resources of that parent are diverted to the AP (and it doesn't matter if it was this particular woman because if it wasn't her it would be someone else). Dad could spend the time he spent with the AP with the kids. Dad could have spent the money on the families needs or savings for retirement or college.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:48     Subject: Re:what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, my dad cheated. His lies to me were the first. I was 14, a vulnerable age. For your daughters it is like a betrayal on the level of an affair but worse. They don't have much emotional experience.

I don't judge the decision one way or another but you need family therapy and your DH has to fully own hiw much he hurt and betrayed his daughters. They need to be heard, validated and not censored. It's also ok if they don't understand but they must feel heard.


Agree. I think you should at least consider your DH living outside the home for 6 months while you rebuild your relationship, and talk to the counselor about pros and cons. I'd also be thinking really seriously about the possibility that the angry daughter knew more about DH's bad behavior that she's not sharing. At the very least, OP needs to have a serious conversation and let the girl know that she can always come to her mom with any problem or information, and she will be believed.


I agree. I think that you trying to save your long marriage is a good thing. But if your DH is still living at home, I think you should consider having him move out for a few months. Your daughters can get a respite from the pressure of forgiving him and your DH can be more focused on earning trust back vs sliding back into everyday life. Best wishes to you, OP. I truly do hope your husband made a huge mistake and really does want to rebuild his relationship with you and his daughters.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:44     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s not so much the reconciliation and forgiveness for cheating that people are shocked and angry about - it’s how dismissive you’re being about your daughters.

I would argue that their father’s betrayal against them is actually worse than his betrayal against you. Neither one of you seem to get to that - or be willing to acknowledge it, let alone do the work to fix it.


OP. Oh, possibly my original post, in trying to be brief, makes it seem I'm dismissing their hurt. OMG, that's so far from the truth! I could write paragraphs about how their pain is actually more important to me than my own. I could go on and on about how at this point, I'm ambivalent about DH and actually his cheating is less painful to me than my DD's hurt that I can't fix. But the bottom line is we feel an almost 20 year marriage is worth trying to save, he wants to save his relationship with our DDs and only God (and a few PPs) knows if it's all going to work out or not.


Of course he wants to save it now.. but he never cared when he choose to cheat. How do you know he will not cheat again or he didn't cheat before this woman/getting caught?


Dude - no one cares when they're in the midst of an affair. And no one knows if/when it will happen or has happened or whatever. Your tone insinuates that no one should ever be given a second chance. Is that what you're saying?


DP. Cheating and then accusing daughter of lying when she finds out? That is a tough one to swallow....
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:34     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
I’m curious if you’re doing family therapy through your pastor. The multiple references to God and prayer make me wonder if you should see a therapist outside of your church.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:34     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
OP, you haven't answered. Has your husband apologized to your daughter for gaslighting her and calling her integrity into question?

She is never going to get past this until he can do this, honestly and with humility. Maybe not even then, but definitely not until then.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:23     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP. Time will tell, but right now he's tearful and remorseful and apologetic and seems very broken hearted to have hurt us, especially the girls. I'm hopeful. And I'm sorry your dad never recognized the hurt he caused you.


The way you choose to handle things will greatly impact your daughters future. Of course he is remorseful and apologetic after being caught but if he was never caught he would have continued or found someone else. If he truly cared he would never have done it in the first place.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:22     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
Yeah, I agree with everyone. The biggest problem is that OP is approaching this as a standard affair where the infidelity is between the husband and wife. The parents decide how they want to handle it and present their decision as a united front to the children. Sure, some kids are angry and feel betrayed but they are never directly involved.

In OPs case, the DH was caught by the daughter. She had to first deal with the disgust/anger on her own and muster up the courage to tell her mom. Then the biggest betrayal of all - her dad calls her a liar. And after her father breaks her trust in the sleaziest of ways - her mom wants her to forgive and forget.

Like it or not OPs DH INVOLVED his children in his affair. The regular approach does not work when the adulter is gaslighting the kids and making them a party to his actions. Your DH was emotionaly abusive to your daughter. You have deal with abuse before you deal with infidelity not the other way around.

I also really wonder if your daughter told you everything she knows about her father’s affair... She might have witnessed a lot more filth than youre aware of OP.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:21     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
Anonymous wrote:OP. Thanks again to everyone, both positive and negative, for replies. It's a lot to take in and apply to our lives, but it will for sure be dissected and taken to heart! It's very easy to spout hateful "you're a horrible parent" and "you're really effing them up" comments, so to those giving actual reasons, suggestions and btdt comments, thank you!

Our family has been about as picture perfect as one could imagine. Our daughters adore their father, and he's been the model until this point. I know naysayers will say impossible, he's been hiding something, once a cheater... which may well be, but as far as to me, and to the girls, he's always been wonderful and attentive. He's a hard worker, spends his free time helping with their hobbies and sports, goes to all extra-curriculars, helps with homework, kisses me goodbye in the morning and hello in the evening, (if I'm completely honest, he's probably the better parent of the 2). I'm positive this makes it even worse - it was so unexpected. Had he been a crappy dad, a missing dad, inattentive, they may have felt less a betrayal. I don't know...maybe not.

In denying what our eldest daughter saw, he essentially called her a liar. (He didn't actually call her a liar, though gaslighting is for sure a great descriptor!) Unfortunately, it was that moment of cowardice that happened in front of her. And it was a double whammy of betrayal. She's furious and hates him and wants him out of the house, and I've told her all of that is justified and I feel exactly the same way some times. It's still so raw and fresh, you can only imagine the pain. It's killing me to see both her and her sister hurting, and I know they don't understand how time will soften some blows. We'll continue the therapy route and pray the family can be salvaged. I could throw out my own hateful comments to some of the posters, but I will not - because I don't want to offend others that may have taken a different route. But again, thank you to those that understand not everyone has the same choices or reasons and that doesn't make decisions wrong.


If he choose to cheat your family was only an image and things were not as picture perfect as your husband is a cheater and hid it well. Who knows if this is the first or will be the last but you are covering and defending him and not your daughters. If you don't see or understand their pain, you will ruin your relationship with them. Yes, he may be a good dad but being a good role model as a dad is equally important and he broke the trust they had. You have no idea how it is impacting her or care as you are also hurting but your reaction is to cover it up and pretend everything is ok when it isn't. He destroyed your marriage and in doing so it destroyed the family which impacted them.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 21:05     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
There's very little you can do, and the worst thing you could possibly do is force her to stifle her true feelings for the sake of a false sense of peace.

Your other daughter needs to learn that she can't expect other people to have the feelings she wants them to. She can't expect that her sister would get over this easily. Her sister gets to make her own choices about how she feels. It's unfortunate that your daughters are in this situation but that's why it's bad to have an affair!

Your husband should stay moved out until you are certain you can move him back in permanently. If he keeps moving in and out it will make the situation worse. He needs to face up to what he did, sincerely apologize to BOTH daughters, and bear the wrath for a while.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 20:59     Subject: Re:what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
You can argue that your husband's infidelity is between the two of you. If you want to forgive him, that's up to you. But him calling your daughter a liar when she caught him? That's really messed up. He's a bad husband and he's a bad father. It's possible to live with former but not the latter.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 20:58     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
Anonymous wrote:OP. Thanks again to everyone, both positive and negative, for replies. It's a lot to take in and apply to our lives, but it will for sure be dissected and taken to heart! It's very easy to spout hateful "you're a horrible parent" and "you're really effing them up" comments, so to those giving actual reasons, suggestions and btdt comments, thank you!

Our family has been about as picture perfect as one could imagine. Our daughters adore their father, and he's been the model until this point. I know naysayers will say impossible, he's been hiding something, once a cheater... which may well be, but as far as to me, and to the girls, he's always been wonderful and attentive. He's a hard worker, spends his free time helping with their hobbies and sports, goes to all extra-curriculars, helps with homework, kisses me goodbye in the morning and hello in the evening, (if I'm completely honest, he's probably the better parent of the 2). I'm positive this makes it even worse - it was so unexpected. Had he been a crappy dad, a missing dad, inattentive, they may have felt less a betrayal. I don't know...maybe not.

In denying what our eldest daughter saw, he essentially called her a liar. (He didn't actually call her a liar, though gaslighting is for sure a great descriptor!) Unfortunately, it was that moment of cowardice that happened in front of her. And it was a double whammy of betrayal. She's furious and hates him and wants him out of the house, and I've told her all of that is justified and I feel exactly the same way some times. It's still so raw and fresh, you can only imagine the pain. It's killing me to see both her and her sister hurting, and I know they don't understand how time will soften some blows. We'll continue the therapy route and pray the family can be salvaged. I could throw out my own hateful comments to some of the posters, but I will not - because I don't want to offend others that may have taken a different route. But again, thank you to those that understand not everyone has the same choices or reasons and that doesn't make decisions wrong.


Your make it sound like you had a very good and healthy family (and marriage?). What reason did he give for cheating? I think you (and he) need to understand why it happened before you can really know the best way to proceed. Some people can seem committed and honest while practically living a double life. Could there be more you don’t know?

Also, how did your daughter find out? She must feel traumatized.
Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 20:40     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
Anonymous wrote:I think it's your DH's calling his daughter a liar that's pushing people over the edge, here. That's really appalling. I mean, she finds out that her dad is cheating, and on top of that blow he calls her a liar and accuses her of making it up?! That's an ice cold bucket of water - the realization that your parent would hurt you/sell you out to save themselves. Reminds me of stories of parents who open credit cards in their kids' names, etc. There's a really deep trust that's broken there. Regardless of all the other crap that may go on in their lives, I think most kids have a feeling that mom and dad are people I can trust not to hurt me. And your DH took that trust from her.

+100

Who does that??? He could have manned up but lied about a child. Listen, everyone makes mistakes (and my dad had an affair fwiw) but only a bad person would do that.

Anonymous
Post 02/19/2019 20:38     Subject: what do you do when the children know about the affair and are upset about a reconciliation?
Anonymous wrote:OP. Time will tell, but right now he's tearful and remorseful and apologetic and seems very broken hearted to have hurt us, especially the girls. I'm hopeful. And I'm sorry your dad never recognized the hurt he caused you.


why did he cheat? how did she find out?