Reply to "Drama" in lieu of common sense?

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Reply to ""Drama" in lieu of common sense?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  I think it is DH trying to "channel" unloving/uncaring parents - "if I do it this way" (as effed up as possible)  the unloving/uncaring parents would approve??  Their family was extremely dysfunctional, on top of anxiety, on top of abuse. There was no love there (unless they needed something, of course) -  constant seeking approval of the most abusive/uncaring people.  Drama got attention, anything else did not.  DH felt ignored, wants to feel important.  Just brainstorming what comes to mind, in my desperate attempt to understand something completely foreign to me.  I am trying to look out for the kids.

I fully realize that I am too patient, I barely react anymore.  I think I am desensitized.  Coming from a somewhat normal family, I thought most/all other families were somewhat normal, too?  Clearly not the case.  My feelings range from shock to depression to just getting by - whatever it takes for my kids to be safe and feel cared for (everything DH was not, growing up in his dysfunctional house).

Throw DH's extreme stubbornness, needing to make a point, and control issues (all of which his parents clearly had, in collecting information over the years)  it is DH's perfect storm. [/quote]

Hi, OP. First of all, I'm sorry. The examples you have given sound extremely stressful and like things that would erode the trust and love in the relationship you have with your husband.

You've used a few keywords that have gotten my attention. The combination of attention and control grabbed me, as well as family history of the same. You also mention a family history of abuse.

Is it possible that your husband has a parent or parents with a cluster B personality disorder? Some people with a history of substance abuse will also have similar traits to those with personality disorders. While your husband may not himself fall into those categories, he may have "fleas," maladaptive behaviors he's picked up from growing up in a dysfunctional family system.

Ideally, you would be able to express the pain his behavior is causing your family of choice, and he would be able to see it once you communicated it. He would then want to work on himself in therapy. However, if he's the sort of person to leave you without hot water for two weeks, he may have trouble seeing/caring about the consequences of his actions.

What's important for you to remember is that you didn't cause your husband to be this way, you can't cure his behavior, and you can't control it. Given his choices, you need to decide what's right for you. Start working on healthy boundaries. As an example, what's the longest you're willing to live without hot water? Don't let any excuse push that time frame longer; just set a repair with a licensed professional and be done with it. If your husband can't offer you emotional support through difficult times, start cultivating friendships and relationships with your family that do feel supportive. That way, if he makes things about his needs instead of yours, you have a support network in place. I don't mean at all to be flippant. Living this way is work. You will experience some grief. Many people in your position decide that they need counseling support in place for themselves in order to manage things well. If you feel like you are "too patient," it's probably time to get some help so that you don't become a doormat with unhealthy boundaries. If your husband is behaving unreasonably, your children need to see you modeling those boundaries in order to feel the safety and stability that you want to provide for them.

Meanwhile, I recommend poking around online and reading about topics like cluster B's, waifs, and emotional abuse. They may or may not fit your situation; I'm not trying to make a diagnosis. I am suggesting that if you do stumble onto topics that describe your situation, it may lead you to supportive resources.   
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