Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, is he an idiot in all aspects of his life or does he excell professionally? He might have executive function/impulse control deficits or he is just not bright...

He does his job well. Anything other than book smarts, forget it. It is like having two full time jobs, plus the kids, plus a paying full time job. Damage control is real. Sometimes I feel worn to a nub, like when week two of this water thing started. I should have just told the pros to install it that day, and be done with it. I realize I can not defer to him, as he is constantly making a situation much, much, much, much worse than it has to be. It feels like he thinks fo it as a sport. It is difficult, because he has to fight about anything, just to make a point. The stubborn is like nothing I have ever seen - combine that with lack of common sense and control issues, and you have an enormous mess. Plus, his parents back him up, because he wants to try to emulate them and their world is their world, and nobody better ask any questions.....

I can not for the life of me imagine growing up this way, with an entire household full of this type of person, plus a checked out parent, plus a physically MIA parent. It is getting worse as he gets older. I wrote everything in an email, so that he might see it in black and white. Anything to try to get through this. Which wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't always something taking my time and energy. I get that life happens, but not everything should be made an obstacle course.

Sounds like some sort of psychiatric issue. Low dose anti anxiety meds might be in order, maybe alpha blockers, if he has high blood pressure. This behavior will escalate.

It has absolutely gotten worse over the years. Tell me more about the anxiety, what I shoudl be looking for, what I should be pursuing...

He needs to see a psychiatrist, who will prescribe meds. Keep an eye on the kids’ mental health, too. These issues are hereditary. Many adults get disgnosed after thier kid gets a diagnosis. He needs to be on meds, if you want this marriage to work. I suspect he has adhd with comorbid anxiety. He is on his way to experience panic attacks.

I was just coming here to say the same regarding keeping an eye on the kids' mental health too. It clearly will be on you to help show them a healthy way to manage any special needs or mental health conditions. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it is DH trying to "channel" unloving/uncaring parents - "if I do it this way" (as effed up as possible) the unloving/uncaring parents would approve?? Their family was extremely dysfunctional, on top of anxiety, on top of abuse. There was no love there (unless they needed something, of course) - constant seeking approval of the most abusive/uncaring people. Drama got attention, anything else did not. DH felt ignored, wants to feel important. Just brainstorming what comes to mind, in my desperate attempt to understand something completely foreign to me. I am trying to look out for the kids.

I fully realize that I am too patient, I barely react anymore. I think I am desensitized. Coming from a somewhat normal family, I thought most/all other families were somewhat normal, too? Clearly not the case. My feelings range from shock to depression to just getting by - whatever it takes for my kids to be safe and feel cared for (everything DH was not, growing up in his dysfunctional house).

Throw DH's extreme stubbornness, needing to make a point, and control issues (all of which his parents clearly had, in collecting information over the years) it is DH's perfect storm.

Hi, OP. First of all, I'm sorry. The examples you have given sound extremely stressful and like things that would erode the trust and love in the relationship you have with your husband.

You've used a few keywords that have gotten my attention. The combination of attention and control grabbed me, as well as family history of the same. You also mention a family history of abuse.

Is it possible that your husband has a parent or parents with a cluster B personality disorder? Some people with a history of substance abuse will also have similar traits to those with personality disorders. While your husband may not himself fall into those categories, he may have "fleas," maladaptive behaviors he's picked up from growing up in a dysfunctional family system.

Ideally, you would be able to express the pain his behavior is causing your family of choice, and he would be able to see it once you communicated it. He would then want to work on himself in therapy. However, if he's the sort of person to leave you without hot water for two weeks, he may have trouble seeing/caring about the consequences of his actions.

What's important for you to remember is that you didn't cause your husband to be this way, you can't cure his behavior, and you can't control it. Given his choices, you need to decide what's right for you. Start working on healthy boundaries. As an example, what's the longest you're willing to live without hot water? Don't let any excuse push that time frame longer; just set a repair with a licensed professional and be done with it. If your husband can't offer you emotional support through difficult times, start cultivating friendships and relationships with your family that do feel supportive. That way, if he makes things about his needs instead of yours, you have a support network in place. I don't mean at all to be flippant. Living this way is work. You will experience some grief. Many people in your position decide that they need counseling support in place for themselves in order to manage things well. If you feel like you are "too patient," it's probably time to get some help so that you don't become a doormat with unhealthy boundaries. If your husband is behaving unreasonably, your children need to see you modeling those boundaries in order to feel the safety and stability that you want to provide for them.

Meanwhile, I recommend poking around online and reading about topics like cluster B's, waifs, and emotional abuse. They may or may not fit your situation; I'm not trying to make a diagnosis. I am suggesting that if you do stumble onto topics that describe your situation, it may lead you to supportive resources.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, is he an idiot in all aspects of his life or does he excell professionally? He might have executive function/impulse control deficits or he is just not bright...

He does his job well. Anything other than book smarts, forget it. It is like having two full time jobs, plus the kids, plus a paying full time job. Damage control is real. Sometimes I feel worn to a nub, like when week two of this water thing started. I should have just told the pros to install it that day, and be done with it. I realize I can not defer to him, as he is constantly making a situation much, much, much, much worse than it has to be. It feels like he thinks fo it as a sport. It is difficult, because he has to fight about anything, just to make a point. The stubborn is like nothing I have ever seen - combine that with lack of common sense and control issues, and you have an enormous mess. Plus, his parents back him up, because he wants to try to emulate them and their world is their world, and nobody better ask any questions.....

I can not for the life of me imagine growing up this way, with an entire household full of this type of person, plus a checked out parent, plus a physically MIA parent. It is getting worse as he gets older. I wrote everything in an email, so that he might see it in black and white. Anything to try to get through this. Which wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't always something taking my time and energy. I get that life happens, but not everything should be made an obstacle course.

Sounds like some sort of psychiatric issue. Low dose anti anxiety meds might be in order, maybe alpha blockers, if he has high blood pressure. This behavior will escalate.

It has absolutely gotten worse over the years. Tell me more about the anxiety, what I shoudl be looking for, what I should be pursuing...

He needs to see a psychiatrist, who will prescribe meds. Keep an eye on the kids’ mental health, too. These issues are hereditary. Many adults get disgnosed after thier kid gets a diagnosis. He needs to be on meds, if you want this marriage to work. I suspect he has adhd with comorbid anxiety. He is on his way to experience panic attacks.

OP - I very rarely chime in here, but this situation is one that I know all too well. Please hear me:

This is not sustainable. Protect yourself and your kids (who undoubtedly feel the impact of the insanity -- notwithstanding your efforts to shield them -- more than you know). No hot water? Not acceptable. The snow warrior car maneuver? WTF - no! Etc, etc, etc.

I get how worn down and defeated you feel. I know everything feels too big and unfixable. But this shit will kill you and seriously f*ck your children up.

A couple of vignettes from my 20 year marriage:

We moved after grad school to a city of his choice. I had a job. With his Yale degree in hand ... he simply didn't bother even looking for one. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (at 25). It was a living hell. I had to keep working part-time because, well, health insurance. Our single income (from my nonprofit job) was reduced significantly. Money was becoming a major issue. I came home from the hospital after chemo one afternoon and was greeted with an entire house of new furniture.

We had kids. Twins. He got a job. I moved into BigLaw land. He was fired basically for way overstepping his bounds in a way that any normal person would know was way over stepping one's bounds.

At some point, in an ill-advised effort to get him to adult up, I assigned him one bill that he was to be responsible for, the water bill. I suggested he get a job at Starbucks, as a bus driver, whatever. I got a call at work from the boys' nanny letting me know that the water had been cut off. I made calls to pay/restore service. I get another call from the boys' nanny. "There are men here delivering a grand piano." WTF.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg and just the financial abuse arena. As you well know, the emotional abuse is real and entwined the financial BS. And I really hope you're not dealing with any physical abuse.

I waited to pull the plug until I thought my kids were self-sufficient enough to be able to deal with being with him on their own. They were 10 when I filed for divorce. I stayed neck-deep in that insanity far, far, far too long.

I lost sight of "normal" in an effort to keep things semi-afloat. I am also from a family where common sense is highly valued. And in which no one ever gets divorced and doing so is considered a major moral failure. I knew the shitshow I was living was completely untenable, but I couldn't see a way out.

Dont be me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, is he an idiot in all aspects of his life or does he excell professionally? He might have executive function/impulse control deficits or he is just not bright...

He does his job well. Anything other than book smarts, forget it. It is like having two full time jobs, plus the kids, plus a paying full time job. Damage control is real. Sometimes I feel worn to a nub, like when week two of this water thing started. I should have just told the pros to install it that day, and be done with it. I realize I can not defer to him, as he is constantly making a situation much, much, much, much worse than it has to be. It feels like he thinks fo it as a sport. It is difficult, because he has to fight about anything, just to make a point. The stubborn is like nothing I have ever seen - combine that with lack of common sense and control issues, and you have an enormous mess. Plus, his parents back him up, because he wants to try to emulate them and their world is their world, and nobody better ask any questions.....

I can not for the life of me imagine growing up this way, with an entire household full of this type of person, plus a checked out parent, plus a physically MIA parent. It is getting worse as he gets older. I wrote everything in an email, so that he might see it in black and white. Anything to try to get through this. Which wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't always something taking my time and energy. I get that life happens, but not everything should be made an obstacle course.

Sounds like some sort of psychiatric issue. Low dose anti anxiety meds might be in order, maybe alpha blockers, if he has high blood pressure. This behavior will escalate.

It has absolutely gotten worse over the years. Tell me more about the anxiety, what I shoudl be looking for, what I should be pursuing...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my parents. I believe it’s anxiety.

oP, your spouse’s case sounds like simple No Common Sense + Self-Centeredness
Maybe even ADD if it’s truly in his family...

Definitely in the family: stubborn + ADD inattentive + major, major, major anxiety = train wreck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought of another situation, when we were traveling, we were stuck during a major snow storm. DH tried to "get us out" (which as you know by now, only mans exacerbating the situation by ten thousand times) - he vehemently insisted (INSISTED) on turning the car around and parking the car FACING traffic while we waited for help. We almost got killed, because naturally, oncoming traffic thought that we were moving toward them (this was on an eight lane highway).

I am waiting for more bath water to boil, writing this, thinking I should write a book.....

Thank you for listening, and for any advice. This is truly cathartic.

Holy moly. That iS dangerous.

How are you not able to scream and stop this? I realize you may have done similar reactions (normal!) in the past and he prefers to argue you down, but he is so 100% wrong. Yikes.

OP here. I did. But apparently he thinks life is an a-hole contest, so h just insists he is right. He got it from his parents, who are unbelievably (!!!) stubborn. Doesn't matter whose life is in danger, apparently. One of the grandparents died in a situation just like this. PPs would call it Darwin at work.

Anonymous wrote:I thought of another situation, when we were traveling, we were stuck during a major snow storm. DH tried to "get us out" (which as you know by now, only mans exacerbating the situation by ten thousand times) - he vehemently insisted (INSISTED) on turning the car around and parking the car FACING traffic while we waited for help. We almost got killed, because naturally, oncoming traffic thought that we were moving toward them (this was on an eight lane highway).

I am waiting for more bath water to boil, writing this, thinking I should write a book.....

Thank you for listening, and for any advice. This is truly cathartic.

Holy moly. That iS dangerous.

How are you not able to scream and stop this? I realize you may have done similar reactions (normal!) in the past and he prefers to argue you down, but he is so 100% wrong. Yikes.

Anonymous wrote:This thread is giving me anxiety. These spouses seem so incompetent. This isn't normal.

I too wish parents or spouses would let Darwin take over. Just dump him and let Darwin deal with it. Life’s too short for weekly surprise setbacks at the hands of an idiot who thinks he’s hot $hit.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my parents. I believe it’s anxiety.

oP, your spouse’s case sounds like simple No Common Sense + Self-Centeredness
Maybe even ADD if it’s truly in his family...

NP.

My husband makes everything worse all the time. If I get a bad cold he's got to come down with something that he says is worse. Every time. If I need him to do something, his back goes out before he can start. If someone has to pick up the kid because I'm working late, DH starts to come down with something, or is feeling anxious.

He bails on others' weddings, too. Like, we jointly decide we're going and we RSVP and then -- without fail -- he decides the day of or the night before that he's sick and can't get out of bed.

But he gets his feelings hurt if I make plans without him. I hate it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, is he an idiot in all aspects of his life or does he excell professionally? He might have executive function/impulse control deficits or he is just not bright...

He does his job well. Anything other than book smarts, forget it. It is like having two full time jobs, plus the kids, plus a paying full time job. Damage control is real. Sometimes I feel worn to a nub, like when week two of this water thing started. I should have just told the pros to install it that day, and be done with it. I realize I can not defer to him, as he is constantly making a situation much, much, much, much worse than it has to be. It feels like he thinks fo it as a sport. It is difficult, because he has to fight about anything, just to make a point. The stubborn is like nothing I have ever seen - combine that with lack of common sense and control issues, and you have an enormous mess. Plus, his parents back him up, because he wants to try to emulate them and their world is their world, and nobody better ask any questions.....

I can not for the life of me imagine growing up this way, with an entire household full of this type of person, plus a checked out parent, plus a physically MIA parent. It is getting worse as he gets older. I wrote everything in an email, so that he might see it in black and white. Anything to try to get through this. Which wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't always something taking my time and energy. I get that life happens, but not everything should be made an obstacle course.

Sounds like some sort of psychiatric issue. Low dose anti anxiety meds might be in order, maybe alpha blockers, if he has high blood pressure. This behavior will escalate.

Anonymous wrote:So, is he an idiot in all aspects of his life or does he excell professionally? He might have executive function/impulse control deficits or he is just not bright...

He does his job well. Anything other than book smarts, forget it. It is like having two full time jobs, plus the kids, plus a paying full time job. Damage control is real. Sometimes I feel worn to a nub, like when week two of this water thing started. I should have just told the pros to install it that day, and be done with it. I realize I can not defer to him, as he is constantly making a situation much, much, much, much worse than it has to be. It feels like he thinks fo it as a sport. It is difficult, because he has to fight about anything, just to make a point. The stubborn is like nothing I have ever seen - combine that with lack of common sense and control issues, and you have an enormous mess. Plus, his parents back him up, because he wants to try to emulate them and their world is their world, and nobody better ask any questions.....

I can not for the life of me imagine growing up this way, with an entire household full of this type of person, plus a checked out parent, plus a physically MIA parent. It is getting worse as he gets older. I wrote everything in an email, so that he might see it in black and white. Anything to try to get through this. Which wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't always something taking my time and energy. I get that life happens, but not everything should be made an obstacle course.

So, is he an idiot in all aspects of his life or does he excell professionally? He might have executive function/impulse control deficits or he is just not bright...

Anonymous wrote:No OP. Unfortunately I think you may have married an idiot.

Not that DH and I don't make mistakes occasionally, but we feel safe in our relationship with each other pointing out our own and each other's mistakes in order to resolve/move past them. We don't get angry; we are on the same team.

If you can't even explain door/flood or cancer/back pain without fear of an overreaction, you are screwed. Sorry.

There is some validity to this. One of DH's parents is an "idiot" (sic) - thank you for mentioning the word, I didn't want to be mean, but there is no other way to put it. The other parent is never home, because they just can't deal with the parent's ineptitude. Every day stuff (getting everyone fed, clothed, getting out the door for starters) is a BFD in that house. Awful. I see it flooding over into our (current) house, DH is glued to his office chair and screen, like the inattentive parents were glued to (anything else but the kids). Why have all those kids (Dh's family) if you are not going to enjoy them? So, I don't know where to start, and there is no talking to someone who won't admit what is right before our eyes.