Reply to Is my partner still in love with me?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Is my partner still in love with me?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We have been together for 10 years and have 1 toddler.

She shows love in some ways that maybe I should appreciate more--she plans dates, comes up with ideas for fun things on weekends, etc.  But I sort of feel like she's doing that mostly because she's interested in having fun weekends and I'm just along for the ride.  I think if I told her that I feel like she doesn't have romantic feelings for me, she'd point to all of the romantic dates and events she plans.  But honestly, it feels like she wants to try new restaurants and go to events, and I'm just an activity partner.

I've asked her to be more physically affectionate, so she started kissing me me when I get home (a peck) and will sometimes cuddle on the couch if I initiate.  If I'm loving to her and say nice things, she'll reciprocate and say loving/sweet things to me too.  But, we're not having any sex at all, and I can tell she dreads physical and emotional intimacy particularly if she's tired.  So, for example, if I try to tell her a story about work as we're getting ready for bed, I can tell she wishes I would just shut up.  Sometimes she'll say "it's 10:00--do we have to talk about this now?"  But it's not like she's curious about what I was saying and will ask me about it the next day.  It's so humiliating and sad to be silenced by my partner, especially when I'm seeking her advice or input on something.  And it's not like I'm waking her up at 2am to talk; I often try to chat as we're getting ready for bed, and she gets annoyed.  She wants to read silently on her side of the bed for an hour instead of engage in any way with me.  I love reading too, but if she wanted to talk, I'd put down my book willingly, even if I didn't feel like it.   She asks me things like "how was your day," but doesn't ask me more intimate questions that show she's curious about my thoughts on something.

Anyway, I got tired of feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed, so I decided to stop initiating affection at all.  I used to kiss her the moment I walked in the door, and now I just say "hey."  I never go to bed at the same time she does so that I can avoid being shut down over and over again (with talking/cuddling--I never pressure her for sex or try to initiate anymore).  I've withdrawn emotionally too, so now I also just say things like "good day at work?" instead of asking questions about particularly people or events.

I feel like she's happy to live this way--as roommates co-parenting a kid (who we both adore).  She used to say loving things when I said loving things...but the second I stopped, she stopped too.  I have to suppress my desire to hug her, say something sweet, kiss her, etc.  But I feel like the opposite is true for her--being sweet is work.

There's lots of laughter and love in our house because we goof around with oru child and take lots of joy in her.  What kills me is that she has an endless reservoir of physical affection for our child (as do I), but she has no reservoir for me.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do.  We have a perfectly good marriage--no fights about money, religion, how to raise our kid, household chores, how to spend our time or anything like that.  Our only fights relate to me wanting MORE from her--more affection, more passion, more interest, more engagement, more love.  When I tell her these things, she never says "OH NO!  I NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO FEEL UNLOVED!  OF COURSE I LOVE/WANT/DESIRE/ADORE YOU!"  I wish she'd leap into my arms and express love (again, not sexually, necessarily).   Instead, of trying to reassure me, she gets defensive and annoyed, and makes me feel like I'm being a needy baby.  And maybe that's true.  I do feel like I need my partner to want me, emotionally and physically.  In other respects, I'm not needy at all--I have a great group of friends, a great job, and I like doing things on my own.

Sometimes I feel like she wants the marriage to end, but she wants me to be the one to do it, so she's just going to be more and more passive until I leave and then she'll blame me for the demise of our family.

I truly love having a family and love my partner (thought the love is starting to get mixed up with a lot of sadness and resentment).   I feel like happiness is within our grasp.  We are good partners who get along really well on the surface.  I just can't stop wanting to feel more love.  How do I fix this?   How do I get her to feel more emotional and physical passion for me?  Being present and expressing desire just annoys her.  And withdrawing doesn't make her chase after me.  So what do I do?

Is she just not in love with me?

Op, many of the things you say here ring true with me. Married to my DH for 9 years, DS is 4yrs old, sleeps thru the night. We are roommates. I have done similar things, a peck before he leaves for the day is the most I get. I don't hear I love you, there is zero sex. Whenever I question him, he says "you know I'm not a warm and fuzzy person". He used to be much more affectionate, not over the top by any means, but affectionate, asking about my day etc. I stopped asking about his day, I go to bed before him every night now as to not get shot down and then have the feeling of rejection. It is killing my self esteem. I keep myself busy with work, our DS as well as my own activities.  If I tell him, I never hear you say I love you to me unless you are saying it back (which I have stopped saying) he says "you know I love you".  It's frustrating, but I think some people just become that way. We have fun going out on date nights, he plans some I plan some, we both have jobs, our own friends as well as joint friends. There is no emotional or physical intimacy though.  I'm not sure how to fix it. I feel for you. I need emotional and physical intimacy. That is who I am . He doesn't need it, that is who he is. It you find the magical solution to this, please share.

[/quote][/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics