Anonymous wrote:We have been together for 10 years and have 1 toddler.

She shows love in some ways that maybe I should appreciate more--she plans dates, comes up with ideas for fun things on weekends, etc. But I sort of feel like she's doing that mostly because she's interested in having fun weekends and I'm just along for the ride. I think if I told her that I feel like she doesn't have romantic feelings for me, she'd point to all of the romantic dates and events she plans. But honestly, it feels like she wants to try new restaurants and go to events, and I'm just an activity partner.

I've asked her to be more physically affectionate, so she started kissing me me when I get home (a peck) and will sometimes cuddle on the couch if I initiate. If I'm loving to her and say nice things, she'll reciprocate and say loving/sweet things to me too. But, we're not having any sex at all, and I can tell she dreads physical and emotional intimacy particularly if she's tired. So, for example, if I try to tell her a story about work as we're getting ready for bed, I can tell she wishes I would just shut up. Sometimes she'll say "it's 10:00--do we have to talk about this now?" But it's not like she's curious about what I was saying and will ask me about it the next day. It's so humiliating and sad to be silenced by my partner, especially when I'm seeking her advice or input on something. And it's not like I'm waking her up at 2am to talk; I often try to chat as we're getting ready for bed, and she gets annoyed. She wants to read silently on her side of the bed for an hour instead of engage in any way with me. I love reading too, but if she wanted to talk, I'd put down my book willingly, even if I didn't feel like it. She asks me things like "how was your day," but doesn't ask me more intimate questions that show she's curious about my thoughts on something.

Anyway, I got tired of feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed, so I decided to stop initiating affection at all. I used to kiss her the moment I walked in the door, and now I just say "hey." I never go to bed at the same time she does so that I can avoid being shut down over and over again (with talking/cuddling--I never pressure her for sex or try to initiate anymore). I've withdrawn emotionally too, so now I also just say things like "good day at work?" instead of asking questions about particularly people or events.

I feel like she's happy to live this way--as roommates co-parenting a kid (who we both adore). She used to say loving things when I said loving things...but the second I stopped, she stopped too. I have to suppress my desire to hug her, say something sweet, kiss her, etc. But I feel like the opposite is true for her--being sweet is work.

There's lots of laughter and love in our house because we goof around with oru child and take lots of joy in her. What kills me is that she has an endless reservoir of physical affection for our child (as do I), but she has no reservoir for me.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do. We have a perfectly good marriage--no fights about money, religion, how to raise our kid, household chores, how to spend our time or anything like that. Our only fights relate to me wanting MORE from her--more affection, more passion, more interest, more engagement, more love. When I tell her these things, she never says "OH NO! I NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO FEEL UNLOVED! OF COURSE I LOVE/WANT/DESIRE/ADORE YOU!" I wish she'd leap into my arms and express love (again, not sexually, necessarily). Instead, of trying to reassure me, she gets defensive and annoyed, and makes me feel like I'm being a needy baby. And maybe that's true. I do feel like I need my partner to want me, emotionally and physically. In other respects, I'm not needy at all--I have a great group of friends, a great job, and I like doing things on my own.

Sometimes I feel like she wants the marriage to end, but she wants me to be the one to do it, so she's just going to be more and more passive until I leave and then she'll blame me for the demise of our family.

I truly love having a family and love my partner (thought the love is starting to get mixed up with a lot of sadness and resentment). I feel like happiness is within our grasp. We are good partners who get along really well on the surface. I just can't stop wanting to feel more love. How do I fix this? How do I get her to feel more emotional and physical passion for me? Being present and expressing desire just annoys her. And withdrawing doesn't make her chase after me. So what do I do?

Is she just not in love with me?

Op, many of the things you say here ring true with me. Married to my DH for 9 years, DS is 4yrs old, sleeps thru the night. We are roommates. I have done similar things, a peck before he leaves for the day is the most I get. I don't hear I love you, there is zero sex. Whenever I question him, he says "you know I'm not a warm and fuzzy person". He used to be much more affectionate, not over the top by any means, but affectionate, asking about my day etc. I stopped asking about his day, I go to bed before him every night now as to not get shot down and then have the feeling of rejection. It is killing my self esteem. I keep myself busy with work, our DS as well as my own activities. If I tell him, I never hear you say I love you to me unless you are saying it back (which I have stopped saying) he says "you know I love you". It's frustrating, but I think some people just become that way. We have fun going out on date nights, he plans some I plan some, we both have jobs, our own friends as well as joint friends. There is no emotional or physical intimacy though. I'm not sure how to fix it. I feel for you. I need emotional and physical intimacy. That is who I am . He doesn't need it, that is who he is. It you find the magical solution to this, please share.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ what they need is therapy.

They need a trained 3rd party to tell the wife straight up that her husband needs sex more than 2x a year or they're going to get a divorce.

You're the "fake it till you make" it poster, aren't you? You don't see how sexist and misogynistic it is to tell women to have sex even when they don't want to just because their men might want it?

How about telling me to be deserving of sex and to make their wives WANT to initiate?

Well, stop tricking men into marriage then.
If you can’t bear to have a regular sexual relationship with your marriage partner you should not be married. Simple.

This would be good advice to give to your daughters (and sons!).

- wife of 25 years

Nobody goes into marriage realizing they are going to get tired of sex with their spouse, y'know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ what they need is therapy.

They need a trained 3rd party to tell the wife straight up that her husband needs sex more than 2x a year or they're going to get a divorce.

You're the "fake it till you make" it poster, aren't you? You don't see how sexist and misogynistic it is to tell women to have sex even when they don't want to just because their men might want it?

How about telling me to be deserving of sex and to make their wives WANT to initiate?

Well, stop tricking men into marriage then.
If you can’t bear to have a regular sexual relationship with your marriage partner you should not be married. Simple.

This would be good advice to give to your daughters (and sons!).

- wife of 25 years

Nobody goes into marriage realizing they are going to get tired of sex with their spouse, y'know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ what they need is therapy.

They need a trained 3rd party to tell the wife straight up that her husband needs sex more than 2x a year or they're going to get a divorce.

You're the "fake it till you make" it poster, aren't you? You don't see how sexist and misogynistic it is to tell women to have sex even when they don't want to just because their men might want it?

How about telling me to be deserving of sex and to make their wives WANT to initiate?

Well, stop tricking men into marriage then.
If you can’t bear to have a regular sexual relationship with your marriage partner you should not be married. Simple.

This would be good advice to give to your daughters (and sons!).

- wife of 25 years

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is a woman, right? So why go to married men website?

OP is a man... who sounds like a woman...

Men are incredibly needy. He might sound like a woman because women yell louder about everything but if you scratch the surface and listen to the man in your life, this is what you’d get.

I am PP. And I get that, as my husband is also needy at times, but I think it is cute (and we have regular sex) because he balances the neediness with being busy with his own things and interests. He also is an assertive person who doesn't have the passive nice guy mentality that I am picking up from OP.

He's sad. He's in the process of realizing that his wife isn't in love with him anymore.

Oh PUKE! Get over it! Life is not a fairytale. We don't have magical, ever sustaining, unconditional romantic butterfly feelings for our partners. Our feelings eb and flow, and OP should learn to understand those dynamics instead of pouting about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ what they need is therapy.

They need a trained 3rd party to tell the wife straight up that her husband needs sex more than 2x a year or they're going to get a divorce.

You're the "fake it till you make" it poster, aren't you? You don't see how sexist and misogynistic it is to tell women to have sex even when they don't want to just because their men might want it?

How about telling me to be deserving of sex and to make their wives WANT to initiate?

Well, stop tricking men into marriage then.
If you can’t bear to have a regular sexual relationship with your marriage partner you should not be married. Simple.

This would be good advice to give to your daughters (and sons!).

- wife of 25 years

You need therapy.

-- wife of 26 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s tired. Being a working mom of a toddler is just exhausting. I need some quiet time at the end of the day, too. You should initiate sex though, otherwise that will get too far gone and it will become awkward. Even though I need some quiet time, I always have sex with my husband when he initiates.

And he's a working dad. Is that not exhausting too? When DW has time to go to book club and stay out til 11 or time to play tennis or go for walks with friends but is too "exhausted" for her husband, it sends the exact message OP is getting --- here is my list of priorities and you aren't on it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s tired. Being a working mom of a toddler is just exhausting. I need some quiet time at the end of the day, too. You should initiate sex though, otherwise that will get too far gone and it will become awkward. Even though I need some quiet time, I always have sex with my husband when he initiates.

And he's a working dad. Is that not exhausting too? When DW has time to go to book club and stay out til 11 or time to play tennis or go for walks with friends but is too "exhausted" for her husband, it sends the exact message OP is getting --- here is my list of priorities and you aren't on it.

The difference is, a lot of men relax through sex whereas for women, it's one more chore to tick off an already long list.

Men are almost never too tired for sex. That doesn't mean women are lying about it when they say they are. We're just different in that respect (talking generally here, of course there are individual differences).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ what they need is therapy.

They need a trained 3rd party to tell the wife straight up that her husband needs sex more than 2x a year or they're going to get a divorce.

You're the "fake it till you make" it poster, aren't you? You don't see how sexist and misogynistic it is to tell women to have sex even when they don't want to just because their men might want it?

How about telling me to be deserving of sex and to make their wives WANT to initiate?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s tired. Being a working mom of a toddler is just exhausting. I need some quiet time at the end of the day, too. You should initiate sex though, otherwise that will get too far gone and it will become awkward. Even though I need some quiet time, I always have sex with my husband when he initiates.

And he's a working dad. Is that not exhausting too? When DW has time to go to book club and stay out til 11 or time to play tennis or go for walks with friends but is too "exhausted" for her husband, it sends the exact message OP is getting --- here is my list of priorities and you aren't on it.

Anonymous wrote:She’s tired. Being a working mom of a toddler is just exhausting. I need some quiet time at the end of the day, too. You should initiate sex though, otherwise that will get too far gone and it will become awkward. Even though I need some quiet time, I always have sex with my husband when he initiates.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

She is not the default parent so this isn’t about being exhausted by our kid. Honestly, we both admit that we are lucky because our kid isn’t that exhausting. Neither of us have hugely stressful jobs. We have both commented many times that we feel lucky for the rhythm of our life.

Sorry for the length of my original post. I don’t really talk about this, so writing it all out was useful.

Sex = 2 or 3 times/year. Used to be much more frequently. Every day for a while and then once or twice a week and the. Slowly tapered.

I agree that I seem needy. But when I express no needs and withdraw, then our marriage begins to feel like a sham. I don’t want to be roommates who share a kid and a bank account.

This is a huge problem. Why didn't you highlight this in your massively long OP?

No she is not "in love" with you anymore but that is not so unusual for a 10+ year relationship. What is, is that you don't have any kind of sex life at all. Two or three times a year is BLEAK.

+ 1

You need to tell her explicitly that for you, love = sex and physical touch. If you're not getting sex, you're not feeling loved. Best to be explicit even though you might be embarrassed saying this because then she will understand and only then will things have a chance of improving. Don't beat around the bush. If you wait for her to want sex again, you'll never have it.

Anonymous wrote:She is tired -- that is what her not wanting to talk at 10 p.m. indicates.

I am like this with my DH; I am just so spent at the end of the day that I don't have another bit of time or attention to give. Many times I just need some space to breathe.

23:46 offers very good advice.