Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.

I mean this nicely , but we get it. He sounds really difficult and I don't blame you for not liking him. What you don't seem to get is that posters are telling you to knock this off with your wife. She needs your support, kindness, and love. Approaching her as a concerned spouse for HER well being and leaving out YOUR feelings about him and yourself are going to make a MUCH more welcoming environment for your wife to feel like she can talk to you. So for now, knock it off. Be a loving and supportive husband. Help your wife find a therapist. Do not phrase it as she needs someone to talk to her about dealing with her dad , rather someone to help her with her feelings surrounding her dad and his illness and it's toll on her.

I'm hoping you can do this. I'm honestly not sure though since all your posts are just the same thing about what a jerk you think he is. If you find that you're not able to support your wife, then your wife is right. You are being selfish and tone death.

NP here. It just sounds like he has to sit there watching her being used and ground down to nothing by the man. If this were another relative, for example, a aunt, who was demanding help on a daily basis, some of us would probably say enough is enough, the old lady needs to pay for a home health aide or companion. Just because it's her dad doesn't give him license to drain the life out of his daughter. I wouldn't want to watch my own husband be worn down by his parents if they were obviously taking advantage of him all the time, never saying thank you, always asking for me and refusing to do anything to make the situation easier for the one who has to do all the work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.

I mean this nicely , but we get it. He sounds really difficult and I don't blame you for not liking him. What you don't seem to get is that posters are telling you to knock this off with your wife. She needs your support, kindness, and love. Approaching her as a concerned spouse for HER well being and leaving out YOUR feelings about him and yourself are going to make a MUCH more welcoming environment for your wife to feel like she can talk to you. So for now, knock it off. Be a loving and supportive husband. Help your wife find a therapist. Do not phrase it as she needs someone to talk to her about dealing with her dad , rather someone to help her with her feelings surrounding her dad and his illness and it's toll on her.

I'm hoping you can do this. I'm honestly not sure though since all your posts are just the same thing about what a jerk you think he is. If you find that you're not able to support your wife, then your wife is right. You are being selfish and tone death.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

NP here. It just sounds like he has to sit there watching her being used and ground down to nothing by the man. If this were another relative, for example, a aunt, who was demanding help on a daily basis, some of us would probably say enough is enough, the old lady needs to pay for a home health aide or companion. Just because it's her dad doesn't give him license to drain the life out of his daughter. I wouldn't want to watch my own husband be worn down by his parents if they were obviously taking advantage of him all the time, never saying thank you, always asking for me and refusing to do anything to make the situation easier for the one who has to do all the work.

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.

I mean this nicely , but we get it. He sounds really difficult and I don't blame you for not liking him. What you don't seem to get is that posters are telling you to knock this off with your wife. She needs your support, kindness, and love. Approaching her as a concerned spouse for HER well being and leaving out YOUR feelings about him and yourself are going to make a MUCH more welcoming environment for your wife to feel like she can talk to you. So for now, knock it off. Be a loving and supportive husband. Help your wife find a therapist. Do not phrase it as she needs someone to talk to her about dealing with her dad , rather someone to help her with her feelings surrounding her dad and his illness and it's toll on her.

I'm hoping you can do this. I'm honestly not sure though since all your posts are just the same thing about what a jerk you think he is. If you find that you're not able to support your wife, then your wife is right. You are being selfish and tone death.

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you been through the aging/infirmity process with your own parents yet? I suspect you haven't, and I suspect you don't really get how much can be involved. Even in an assisted living facility, people need to have family members around regularly to make sure they're be cared for appropriately. An assisted living may provide transportation to doctor appointments, but they're not going to provide someone to go in with you and hear what the doctor has to say to make sure you understand everything. You seem very dismissive of the fact that he's in an assisted living facility, as if it's totally unnecessary, but assisted living facilities typically have eligibility requirements and you can't get a bed there if you do not require a certain level of assistance with your daily activities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

This is good advice. I'm going through something similar with my mother. More than anything, dealing with her is emotionally draining. Yet she is my mother and I will not stop trying to support and be there for her. Complaints from my husband about the fact that I am stretched thin are incredibly stressful. Yes, I know that I am stretched thin. That is my reality and complaining is not going to change that. DH's suggestion that I am not prioritizing my own family only creates guilt and resentment - that does not help either. I recognize that the situation is not ideal, but what I need from my husband (and what your DW needs from you) is a supportive attitude and one focused on problem solving. You many not agree with DW's decision to continue supporting her father, but you aren't going to change her mind by focusing on what a hypocrite he is. That attitude is a complete non-starter, I know it would be for me. I would suggest couple's therapy if she will go, so that you can help find a way to communicate about this in a productive way and also find strategies that allow her to provide support that are less damaging to your relationship and family dynamic. Therapy could also be helpful for her in terms of dealing with with the emotional impact of assisting her father.

OP here. Thanks for this. One of my issues is that, at times, DW doesn't seem to be open to problem solving. Sometimes, because she doesn't want to rock the boat and stir up conflict. Other times, I think, because that would require her to do some hard introspection and make some hard changes about boundaries. For example, an in-home full time caregiver has seemed, at times, to be a very appropriate and necessary step. DW resisted even bringing this up to him. After months, she finally did. He immediately shot that down, saying that he doesn't need that, yet. He doesn't think he is at the point in life where he needs that. (Of course he doesn't because DW is free labor, on demand). Full time care has never been brought up again.

OP, like most men, you're a "fixer", you hear her complaining and you want to offer her solutions. She, on the other hand, is processing her emotions about this difficult scenario by venting to you. She wants you to hear her, offer her a shoulder to cry on, give her a hug and tell her it's okay and that you support her.

Can you try the silent, supportive hug approach? Give her emotional support by just listening to her without offering solutions?

Yes, I can do this. I do it already, but will try to do it more.

It is hard though to hear her and see her cry, stressed, anguished over being stressed/overwhelmed/feeling burdened month after month, year after year, with no real attempt to change the situation.

God helps those who help themselves. I go back and forth between being sad for her and the situation, and annoyed/frustrated that there are PLENTY of solutions/aids that could improve his and her AND our lives---but both of them are unwilling, for various reasons, to do something. Kind of like crying that you are starving when you are sitting in a house full of food within arm's reach.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.

The fact that your FIL is a jerk is irrelevant. Your wife obviously isn't approaching the issue that way. Maybe it's about what she has to do to be able to live with herself, not what she thinks her dad "deserves." Maybe he's a jackass, but he's still her father. Yes, it's hard on you, and your wishes matter, too, but putting her in the middle and making her choose is the wrong approach. It's just setting her up to feel more guilt. What happens if she pulls back and then something happens to her dad? She's going to be a mess.

I would suggest researching a few support groups for caregivers of elderly parents that your wife can try attending. People who are going through the same thing she is are more likely to be able to help her see that she needs to take care of herself, set some limits regarding how much time she spends with him, and figure out ways to find balance in a situation that might go on for years.

Everyone is going to die, eventually. It's not healthy to be so preoccupied with your parent's death that you neglect yourself, your family, and make yourself sick in the process.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.

The fact that your FIL is a jerk is irrelevant. Your wife obviously isn't approaching the issue that way. Maybe it's about what she has to do to be able to live with herself, not what she thinks her dad "deserves." Maybe he's a jackass, but he's still her father. Yes, it's hard on you, and your wishes matter, too, but putting her in the middle and making her choose is the wrong approach. It's just setting her up to feel more guilt. What happens if she pulls back and then something happens to her dad? She's going to be a mess.

I would suggest researching a few support groups for caregivers of elderly parents that your wife can try attending. People who are going through the same thing she is are more likely to be able to help her see that she needs to take care of herself, set some limits regarding how much time she spends with him, and figure out ways to find balance in a situation that might go on for years.

Everyone is going to die, eventually. It's not healthy to be so preoccupied with your parent's death that you neglect yourself, your family, and make yourself sick in the process.