Reply to My parents divorce is still impacting me as an adult

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[quote=Anonymous]OP - I am so sorry you were dealt such a poor hand in parents.

All the generalizationsabout the terrible impact of divorce on children is a little much though.  Not all children of divorce are broken people in need of therapy as adults.  Many are, but it is their specific circumstances not the divorce.  It is likely if those parents stayed together they still would have screwed up their children, possibly worse.

My older sister spent years being holier than though about my parents divorce, blaming my dad and how they could have worked harder and it is worth it for the children, all of this until her marriage fell apart.  She is now very happily remarried with very healthy relationships with her children and a manageable relationship with her ex husband.  And she blames my parents a little less for their divorce, really we have a lot more animosity over politics in our family that the divorce.

Last year for Thanksigving we hosted both of my parents and their spouses, everyone gets along.  My parents are not perfect and our relationships have had their ups and downs over the years, but I fundamentally grew up knowing I was loved and secure, even when my parents divorced.  It never occurred to me that I was to blame in any way, and my parents were adults about the whole thing. I give tremendous credit to my mother for never badmouthing my father to me or my sisters.  There are things she could have said and in hindsight she was clearly the more responsible of the two and had always worked so she was not in a financially precarious position.

OP is in a sucky situation, but I don't think it is entirely his (her?) father's fault either.  Some of us are born with parents that will need draining support (financial and/or emotional) of various types in old age even if they are happily married. And the father is not financially responsible for the mother.  He is responsible for his own actions and it is perfectly fair to hold him accountable for his actions, but that does not include lifetime support for an ex wife.

I second the calls for therapy to have someone to unload on and get support from.

I know I sound harsh and unfeeling.  I sometimes wonder if I should be more upset about my parents divorce but I am just not and I am not without feelings.  I cannot watch movies with sad endings or where children are hurt.  I cannot tell the story to my children of how their dad's cousin had cancer as a child without breaking down in tears (she is fine by the way 15 years later), and when I tear up over commercials my kids roll their eyes.  But my parents divorce, it is part of my history but really has not been something that defined my life choices in a big way or make me sad when I think about it.

FWIW, I am happily married going on 15 years. [/quote]

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