OP - I am so sorry you were dealt such a poor hand in parents.

All the generalizationsabout the terrible impact of divorce on children is a little much though. Not all children of divorce are broken people in need of therapy as adults. Many are, but it is their specific circumstances not the divorce. It is likely if those parents stayed together they still would have screwed up their children, possibly worse.

My older sister spent years being holier than though about my parents divorce, blaming my dad and how they could have worked harder and it is worth it for the children, all of this until her marriage fell apart. She is now very happily remarried with very healthy relationships with her children and a manageable relationship with her ex husband. And she blames my parents a little less for their divorce, really we have a lot more animosity over politics in our family that the divorce.

Last year for Thanksigving we hosted both of my parents and their spouses, everyone gets along. My parents are not perfect and our relationships have had their ups and downs over the years, but I fundamentally grew up knowing I was loved and secure, even when my parents divorced. It never occurred to me that I was to blame in any way, and my parents were adults about the whole thing. I give tremendous credit to my mother for never badmouthing my father to me or my sisters. There are things she could have said and in hindsight she was clearly the more responsible of the two and had always worked so she was not in a financially precarious position.

OP is in a sucky situation, but I don't think it is entirely his (her?) father's fault either. Some of us are born with parents that will need draining support (financial and/or emotional) of various types in old age even if they are happily married. And the father is not financially responsible for the mother. He is responsible for his own actions and it is perfectly fair to hold him accountable for his actions, but that does not include lifetime support for an ex wife.

I second the calls for therapy to have someone to unload on and get support from.

I know I sound harsh and unfeeling. I sometimes wonder if I should be more upset about my parents divorce but I am just not and I am not without feelings. I cannot watch movies with sad endings or where children are hurt. I cannot tell the story to my children of how their dad's cousin had cancer as a child without breaking down in tears (she is fine by the way 15 years later), and when I tear up over commercials my kids roll their eyes. But my parents divorce, it is part of my history but really has not been something that defined my life choices in a big way or make me sad when I think about it.

FWIW, I am happily married going on 15 years.

I've been divorced for almost 16 years, and my three adult sons have no problem at all with it. We have a great relationship, they have a great relationship with my husband, and they have a great relationship with their dad. My dad committed suicide when I was 11, and I dealt with it and moved on with my life. They dealt with the divorce, moved on, and are living life cheerfully. I was talking to my middle son just the other day and he said nothing ever stresses him out. He just goes with the flow. That's the attitude that they've been raised to have. Work hard, play hard, have a great sense of humor, and go with the flow.

PP here. I should say that in addition to the anger, there was profound grief that I had never allowed myself to process. Deep, deep grief, and pain which I refused to see, and it turned into shame. It was so scary facing that for the first time, but it had been like living with a black cloud in my heart for years and suddenly, bit by bit, it lifted.

OP, my parents split when I was 14. My dad was having an affair (now my stepmom), but their marriage had been horrible for years. I actually knew about the affair before my mom did. Came home one summer day, cat out of the back and he moved out. Went to brazil for a vacation with his gf while my mom went nuts--literally. She checked herself into the pysch ward because she was worried she was going to harm herself or something. My brother and I fended for ourselves a bit, then he went to college that fall and I became the default adult in the situation. My mother lived in a world of endless anger and blame and recrimination, my father in utter avoidance and denial that he bore any responsibility. Stepmother was deeply insecure with my anger and even mere presence sought to distance me from my father, who I was supposed to hate, anyway, since he ruined my mothers life (according to her, she has never taken any responsibility for her part in the marital failure and still harps on it 30 years later).

the rest of high school and my 20s were profoundly shaped by this: eating disorders, anxiety, emotional pain, fear of intimacy alternating with periods of black out drinking and random sex (all the while getting a 4.0 at an ivy, overcompensating but also convinced if I was not perfect I would die. literally). Then around 26, I decided that I was tired and angry of all of this. I had't done anything wrong and I was tired of suffering. Once I dug into that anger in therapy, I transformed my life. It was hard, it took time, but I have rebuilt relationships with my parents and most importantly with myself. I have a happy marriage, good kids, good self esteem. Sadly, my brother, who seemed less impacted by it all, has never had a functional romantic relationship. At 48, he is finaly doing therapy for the first time and discovering why.

Do not let your father's limitations or your childhood continue to ruin you life. But in order to change it, you have to change yourself and your patterns. No one else can do it. But you can. I promise.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would give my right arm for my mother. She sacrificed a lot raising me and putting me though school. In return I pay her bills, bought her a condo, and finance her vacations. That's the LEAST I can do for her. My father was a prick and took all he could from her and she had to start almost from zero. But that's ok now, I'm financially successful and she's living life to the fullest.

Your mom was tough and resilient, PP. it sounds like OP's mom parentified OP and inappropriately expected OP to be the man of the family and take care of her, and abdicated her adult responsibilities, selfishly laying it all on OP. Sounds like she is still acting like a clinging vine. Therapy helped me establish and enforce appropriate boundaries and I recommend it for OP.

Anonymous wrote:The only thing that doesn't cause damage is a perfect family. All other situations are damaging . Even a perfect family puts the child in a bad situation if his/her own family isn't perfect too. If the parents are unhappy it manifests in damaging ways. The deal with divorce is that the divorcing parents need to bend over backwards to shield their children from uncertainty and inconvenience. That is an achievable situation when it is a priority.

I agree with this. I am going through divorce with 3 children and I left my husband because the marriage was extremely toxic. Now I look at their innocent faces and I feel so shitty that I did not give them the happy home they deserve. I guess I should have never married him and have kids but I was very young and the magnitude of his problems was not apparent then. I am going to give everything to raise them to the best of my abilities, I owe them at least that much.

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight, magically the mom's are all f'd up and need help and crazy but the dad is ok?

Sounds like the mom's were terrible to begin with so the Dad's did the right thing and dumped them.

This

OP, just wanted to chime in as another adult who had to take care of their mother after dad abandoned the family. A lot of other adult children are dealing with this same dilemma. Paying for parents, kids, and ourselves (student loans and retirement). It can be really tough. Therapy certainly might help, but I'd also talk to a financial advisor. Better to have a realistic plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake.

I hope all the annoying divorced women who insist their kids are "happy and thriving now!" read this. Because the chances are excellent that their own kids are just putting a brave face on it. Not that these women care, since their divorce was always all about them and their needs anyway.

Do you think I should have stayed with the man who broke my ribs, dislocated my shoulder, and held a knife to my throat? Who held a pillow over my face? Who threatened to kill me more times than I can count? My kids would have been better off? My divorce was definitely all about me and my desire to remain alive.

I rarely say this - But you are exactly the kind of person who should never, ever, ever be allowed to have children.

I never say this, but don't be ridiculous. No one is suggesting that someone should stay in a marriage when there is abuse, addiction or adultry.

OP, I would give my right arm for my mother. She sacrificed a lot raising me and putting me though school. In return I pay her bills, bought her a condo, and finance her vacations. That's the LEAST I can do for her. My father was a prick and took all he could from her and she had to start almost from zero. But that's ok now, I'm financially successful and she's living life to the fullest.

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight, magically the mom's are all f'd up and need help and crazy but the dad is ok?

Sounds like the mom's were terrible to begin with so the Dad's did the right thing and dumped them.

Please learn what possessive means. You look and sound and are ignorant.

You can spend the rest of your life being angry and it only hurts you and your family. Your father is not hurt. Maybe your mother got the best lawyer she could afford and you need to understand that, all too often, even today, women get short shrift in a divorce.

You are ruining your life and the lives of your family with your anger. Forgiveness is a gift to you and it sets you free. Get the help you need.

The only thing that doesn't cause damage is a perfect family. All other situations are damaging . Even a perfect family puts the child in a bad situation if his/her own family isn't perfect too. If the parents are unhappy it manifests in damaging ways. The deal with divorce is that the divorcing parents need to bend over backwards to shield their children from uncertainty and inconvenience. That is an achievable situation when it is a priority.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married to the other woman?

Op here- He is now married to her. They had kids while he was still married to my mom, didn't find out about them till after the divorce. They are living quite comfortably.

So, this lady was okay with having kids with a married man?

Much more importantly, HE was ok cheating on his wife?????

Yes he is disgusting. We all know that.
What is shocking to me is that a woman would have kids with a married man. Who wants to be the side family? Yuck.

^^ I'm PP...I would focus on not worrying what others think and do what's right for you. It's an incredibly freeing feeling.

When my grandmother was sick, I spent a lot of time with her though my MIL told me I shouldn't feel responsible eg. My grandmother was always there for me though and I'm glad that I could offer her comfort before she was taken by Alzheimer's. My parents I don't feel a shred of responsibility based on how I was treated.