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[quote=Anonymous]OP, my parents split when I was 14. My dad was having an affair (now my stepmom), but their marriage had been horrible for years.  I actually knew about the affair before my mom did. Came home one summer day, cat out of the back and he moved out. Went to brazil for a vacation with his gf while my mom went nuts--literally. She checked herself into the pysch ward because she was worried she was going to harm herself or something. My brother and I fended for ourselves a bit, then he went to college that fall and I became the default adult in the situation. My mother lived in a world of endless anger and blame and recrimination, my father in utter avoidance and denial that he bore any responsibility. Stepmother was deeply insecure with my anger and even mere presence sought to distance me from my father, who I was supposed to hate, anyway, since he ruined my mothers life (according to her, she has never taken any responsibility for her part in the marital failure and still harps on it 30 years later).

the rest of high school and my 20s were profoundly shaped by this: eating disorders, anxiety, emotional pain, fear of intimacy alternating with periods of black out drinking and random sex (all the while getting a 4.0 at an ivy, overcompensating but also convinced if I was not perfect I would die. literally). Then around 26, I decided that I was tired and angry of all of this. I had't done anything wrong and I was tired of suffering. Once I dug into that anger in therapy, I transformed my life. It was hard, it took time, but I have rebuilt relationships with my parents and most importantly with myself. I have a happy marriage, good kids, good self esteem. Sadly, my brother, who seemed less impacted by it all, has never had a functional romantic relationship. At 48, he is finaly doing therapy for the first time and discovering why.

Do not let your father's limitations or your childhood continue to ruin you life. But in order to change it, you have to change yourself and your patterns. No one else can do it. But you can. I promise. [/quote]

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