Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband had an affair (which did not lead to divorce) and we never told the kids. I would be really cautious to share this with children . . . it feels invasive and vindictive. If Daddy runs off with OW and starts living with her right away, I think that will be obvious to the kids. But if he doesn't leave *for* a particular woman and simply because he made the marriage a big old mess, then I would be focusing on building a healthy coparenting relationship.

IMO marriages don't break down because of affairs; they break down because of what caused the affair. And no, the answer is not "dead bedroom." The answer is whatever personality flaws led one spouse to make the unhealthy choice to cheat rather than the healthy choice to communicate, cope, do self-care, ask for a separation or open marriage, etc. You got divorced because your ex was conflict-avoidant and low on empathy and self-awareness, for example. And those issues will absolutely impact his relationship with the kids going forward, but as an ex it becomes less an issue of you managing that and more an issue of you supporting your kids, modeling healthy adulthood, and setting boundaries where appropriate (no introducing new partners until both exes agree or it's been 6 months, etc.).

Regarding this dead bedroom argument, I do agree that it's unfair to change a marriage into a sexless one unilaterally. Sometimes it can't be helped due to physical limitations, but you can still check in with your partner and go over your options. [b]TBH I think in many ways the classic dead bedroom where one spouse just assumes it's fine and resents that their spouse "badgers" them for sex is very similar to the process through which cheaters justify affairs ("I know it's wrong but s/he's so awful that I don't care"). You always have the choice to demonstrate more empathy, to try harder to communicate, to find ways to connect that satisfy both of you.[/b] And if, from that respectful and compassionate place, you decide that your differences are irreconcilable, then you will begin separate lives from a much healthier place.[/quote]

This is all very insightful. I am the guy people are vilifying above, and you are dead on correct that both my wife's shutting down and my cheating came from conflict avoidant and ultimately selfish decisions. It's good to recognize it so I don't make the same mistake in the future.[/quote]

I disagree. I stopped having sex with my xH and did[b] explained to him multiple times what I needed [/b]to re-kindle things. He refused and instead would [b]badger me until I gave in, which felt like assault [i]and made me withdraw even more.

Every woman I know who lost interest in sex with their H felt the same. They explained what they needed and their H dismissed them, instead forcing them, accusing them of intentionally withholding, etc. Often for years. [/quote]

They are intentionally withholding, as they have every right to do.[/quote]

I agree with the bolded above - “ and did[b] explained to him multiple times what I needed [/b]” . “He refused and instead would [b]badger me until I gave in, which felt like assault [b]”

This is basically me in a slightly different context - I explained when we were dating that I needed monogamy to feel safe and enjoy sex.  Dh knew and agreed to that and knew non-monogamy was a dealbreaker for me.  Despite that DH cheated frequently (unbeknownst to me) while continuing to have sex with me.  When confronted, DH lied about the nature of his cheating and pleaded to continue the relationship, all while continuing to lie about ongoing cheating.

As PP states - continued demands for sex over the expressed needs of a partner is a form of sexual coercion/assault.

I suffered complex PTSD from the relationship.  I know this thread is about what to tell the kids, and coercive sex seems unrelated - but it’s not.  Having to remain silent about coercion or deception as the underlying reason for a divorce is another form of trauma. It steals any ability to be an authentic person and have authentic relationships. Agreeing to keep these secrets in turn taught my kids to put on a fake front about things - they didn’t have to be geniuses to see their Dad’s poor treatment of me and me pretending it didn’t hurt or matter. It is probably part of what made each of them vulnerable to emotionally abusive relationships in early adulthood. When you grow up with secrets and putting on a good face for others, you have weak boundaries. It’s a recipe for intergenerational cycles of emotional abuse. [/quote]

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