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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've been with my husband 25 years and we've had a power struggle or two, and I'm sure if I wrote out all the details everyone would agree that it was mainly his fault and he was being shitty, entitled, etc. (It even culminated in him having an affair.) And kind of like you describe, I really didn't see it at first. We were teenagers when we met and I guess I just assumed we'd magically turn into mature grown-ups some day. Instead, we had a baby and he was going out four nights a week like nothing in our lives changed.

The silver lining of the affair was that it gave me cover to leave. He knew I wasn't going to stay with the status quo, so he could change, or we'd separate. Yadda yadda yadda (skipping over a lot of hard work and some intervening years) and today I'd say we have a really loving, positive, selfless relationship and family life. I can't work due to illness and he carries the entire financial load and a lot of the household load too, but we're good about identifying when we need to tag out and wanting each other to have that time. He is so appreciative of all the ways I do contribute to our family life (admittedly nowhere near what I'd wish in an ideal world) and so understanding of my limitations. And I hope I am the same way for him.

I'm sharing this story just to explain that I can relate but also . . . I can't. Because you really do seem to be addicted to the power struggle. I never wanted one and when I saw that I was in one, I took immediate action to get out. If the only relationship my husband can offer me is a toxic one, I'm out. Due to having children together and having made a commitment, I'm willing to give him a reasonable amount of time to recover from a screw up, but I'm not going to maintain a toxic cycle. You really seem to be doing that. You gloss over why you can't leave. You don't respond to any suggestions that you work on a genuine relationship with your husband. You seem to just want to cast him as the villain and you as the put-upon martyr. And friend, no one wants that for you. Yeah, it's addictive, and swallowing your ego can be hard (trust, I know), but you've got to do it, or you've got to bounce.

What if we all agree that your husband is the worst? Congratulations? You . . . win a shitty husband? Proving that he sucks isn't a solution. It isn't going to fill your heart with love or provide a calm environment for your daughter. You have to accept that it is what it is and then take ownership of your decision to stay or leave.[/quote]

Gladd things turned around for your family, PP.

OP still strikes me as a troll. The doling out of additional details, the refusal to entertain any suggestions, seems troll like to me. Jeff would only pick up sock puppeting. No talk about the demands of work, and how he does not support her career demands, odd for a lawyer?

If not a troll, who does she obsessively vent to IRL? Maybe that is why no one hangs out with them?

She does not seem to see the family piece at all, neither does. When the kid is a little bit older, wonder how much trashing the ex will occupy OP's conversations re: the dad? OP is so enmeshed that DTMFA just seems like it will keep the power struggle going. Parallel parenting can work when split but where is that sense oF RIGHTEOUSNESS going to come from? We all KNEW she had a martyr for a mom because who would choose to live like she describes? And his mom was cold and did nothing, so her doing things reads as caring to him and he checks out for the rest. Struggle to the death of the family and the only one who is NOT getting some sick needs met from it is a 3 year old. This pattern is likely to continue after divorce, OP does not want to let it go.

Conflict can be a HUGE dopamine hit for some, your description of it as addictive is spot on. https://hbr.org/2013/02/break-your-addiction-to-being

[quote]When you argue and win, your brain floods with different hormones: adrenaline and dopamine, which makes you feel good, dominant, even invincible. It’s a the feeling any of us would want to replicate. So the next time we’re in a tense situation, we fight again. We get addicted to being right.[/quote]

[quote] If one person is getting high off his or her dominance, others are being drummed into submission, experiencing the fight, flight, freeze or appease response I described before, which diminishes their collaborative impulses.

Luckily, there’s another hormone that can feel just as good as adrenaline: oxytocin. It’s activated by human connection and it opens up the networks in our executive brain, or prefrontal cortex, further increasing our ability to trust and open ourselves to sharing. Your goal as a leader should be to spur the production of oxytocin in yourself and others, while avoiding (at least in the context of communication) those spikes of cortisol and adrenaline.[/quote]

[quote]Connecting and bonding with others trumps conflict. I’ve found that even the best fighters — the proverbial smartest guys in the room — can break their addiction to being right by getting hooked on oxytocin-inducing behavior instead.[/quote]

This is why so many are helped by simple things like https://5lovelanguages.com/[/quote]

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