Reply to I’m 20w pregnant. My fiance told me he has herpes.

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "I’m 20w pregnant. My fiance told me he has herpes."

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm very sorry you are going thru this.  Unfortunately, I have a family member who went through something similar (i.e. a partner who had herpes) and I myself ended up with someone who had undisclosed herpes.

My view of this through my family member's experience shaped my own decision years later.  My family member was pregnant, her husband had herpes.  I don't know what the discussion was about that - whether he disclosed - prior to pregnancy, but I do know that she [b]discovered that her baby was anencephalic (meaning developed without a brain)[/b] in the 8th month, as a consequence of herpes infection during pregnancy.  She went through the trauma of deciding whether to have an abortion or birth the baby, the latter of which also involved thinking about whether the baby would be provided life saving supports like intubation, resuscitation, etc. if necessary.  She decided to have an abortion, and when she went to the hospital for the procedure, she was informed that the baby was already without a heartbeat, and she ended up having a stillbirth.  Because I worked in reproductive health policy at the time, the couple turned to me to ask questions about abortion, where to get one, how to handle the stillbirth, whether they should see the baby after birth, etc.  The whole situation was heartbreaking.

More than 2 decades later, I came to find out that my partner, father of my child, also had herpes and actively hid the infection from me.  I won't get into how I found out.  He tried to convince me of what many are saying on this thread -- "it's only oral herpes, everyone has that and it's not dangerous".  Except his oral herpes can be transmitted to my genitals through oral sex, so IMO he should have disclosed to me and let me make my own decision about whether to continue to have sex with him.  He also tried to say he had it before we met, and it wasn't through any cheating, but that, OFC, turned out to be false.

TBH, I was never able to get past the lies.  Sex with him started to feel very rapey to me - he was not giving me full informed consent to our sex.  He lied about the herpes deliberately because he was afraid I would make a choice he didn't like, so he chose to control the information I had so that I would continue to sleep with him.  I had no idea what was going on and exposed myself and a child (because I was pregnant after he knew he had herpes but before I knew he had herpes).  Having had my family experience with pregnancy and herpes, I just could not accept the level of risk he was willing to place on me without my knowledge.

I asked him to move out.  I kept full custody of our 2 children, who were only toddlers at the time, and he had visitation. Was it hard? Frightfully, but staying and raising children with a partner who was fundamentally a danger to me and the kids would have been way worse.  The kind of person who would be so reckless and manipulative, also presented similar character problems as our children grew into adults. I was never going to be able to change him into the kind of person who would care about others, protect them and do the thing that would be hard for him but better for others.

There is not a day I have looked back and wished I stayed with him.  I only wish I had left immediately, instead of taking a year to try and hear his side of the story (a story that he gaslight and trickle-truther about), get couples therapy, etc.

OFC, YMMV.  What you decide to do is your choice.

I just wanted to share that it is OK to take this situation seriously and to end a relationship over it.  I chose safety for myself, and that is OK.  [/quote]

Sorry this all happened to you PP. I also have a friend who lost a baby to a similar situation-late term baby developed without a brain. Not sure if she also has herpes but I have noticed her with a cold sore before so that could have been why.[/quote]

Let's  explain that. It's  called anencephaly. It is a neural tube defect  that begins  in the first few weeks of pregnancy, one of the causes is a lack of folate, among others,  as well as bad luck, like many congenital anomalies. No, it does  not come  from herpes  for  the love of God. Where the F did  you come up with that? You need to realize thar millions of women have herpes,  and no, it's  not just the men spreading it around. There's HSV1 and HSV 2, and both can present upstairs  and downstairs. If there is a possibility of a vaginal birth with herpes,  there's  all good ways to prevent that. It's  NOT A PROBLEM. 
What is worse? A staph infection, not even an STD. Mom can have that on her own, not partner driven.

Can the stupid ones just shut up today? The woman above decided to leave her husband with 2 kids over cold sores. I mean, there are crazy people. Let's  not normalize  it. [/quote]
"There are three main types of neonatal herpes. Healthcare providers classify the condition according to the parts of a baby’s body that HSV affects:

Skin, eye and mouth disease (SEM disease). Fluid-filled blisters form on your baby’s skin, in their mouth and around their eyes.
CNS disease (brain disease). The virus grows and multiplies in your baby’s central nervous system, affecting their brain and spinal cord. Your baby may not have signs or symptoms early on, and blisters may not form on their skin.
Disseminated disease: The virus affects multiple parts of your baby’s body, including major organs like their liver and lungs. In some cases, it affects your baby’s brain."[/quote]

Ok very stupid person- let's  go here  with your self  satisfied Google information  that  you don't  understand. I will  go slow.

Neonatal means AFTER THE BIRTH. Not during the birth, not during gestation ( during pregnancy).

Yes, if a child is exposed to herpes  during the neonatal  period, the child can have very serious issues including death. None of these results  in a brain falling out. 
Here's how babies are exposed neonataly-
1. During  birth with active lesions in vaginal canal. This rarely happens because there are ways to prevent this. Even when it does happen, it's  rare for  a baby  to be seriously affected,  but we do want to prevent  it. 
No infection of any kind will result  in anencephaly  at time of birth. Anencephaly begins  in pregnancy  in the first  weeks. It is not caused  by a virus.

2. [b]The main way babies are exposed in this early infanthood is by being kissed by someone.  Yep. Grandma. Grandma with a cold sore that she knows or doesn't know she has. And while  still rare, it definitely happens. No one should  be allowed to kiss  a new baby. Not Grandma, not auntie, not  an 8 year old kid. 75% of the population has HSV1. You probably do as well. It is the most  common virus[/b].

None of my examples will result  in being born without a brain - anencephaly. None. 
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics