Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Because I want nothing to damage my kid’s relationship with my ex.

I don't understand why your need to help your ex trumps your own relationship with your kids and your own relationship with yourself. [b]Why do you keep needing to help your ex?[/b] If the kids see him/her on their own and you made the divorce not about them what difference does it make? I really don't understand how hiding something someone did helps anyone. This is where we differ. If we really want our children to accept us as who we are and accept themselves as who they are, we have to actually be who we are.[/quote]

She's not helping her ex. She's helping her kid, who is better off if they have a good relationship with her ex. And she cares about her kid's wellbeing more than she cares about hurting her ex so is comfortable doing something that will be good for her child, even if a side effect is that it will help her ex.

Your lack of understanding that is truly at the crux of the argument between the two sides here. [/quote]

This![/quote]

Why can’t the ex be in charge of his good relationship with his own child? Cheating doesn’t hurt just the adults in the family; it hurts the entire family. Pets even suffer; family pets are often abandoned at shelters because living arrangements after divorce change and pets cannot be taken to the new apartment or rental home. Families lose their homes, too. Cheating and the resulting divorce is often catastrophic and completely changes everything. [/quote]

The ex is in charge of his good relationship with his own child. But acting like the other parent doesn't have power there is willfully ignorant.

My parents divorced when I was very small. Cheating happened but IMO was incidental to the actual dissolution of the relationship. It was my mother (and stepfather actually) who cheated on their spouses, both got divorced, then they got married. My mom got primary custody and spent the next 15 years telling me my dad was an immature lazy guy who wasn't ready to have kids and be wounded whenever it was apparent that I loved him. She has openly said I should be grateful for her taking care of me and doing the 'hard' parenting while he got to be a weekend dad. And like, kind of that is true but mostly because she wouldn't let him see me.

Anyway, my mom is psycho, I didn't find out about the cheating until I was a teen or in my 20s (I found out by finding paperwork on their divorces with VERY similar and suspicious timing, and then my brother from the second marriage found them and told me about it, he was more upset than I was!). But I guess my thesis here is that my dad decided he was responsible for his relationship with me and my mom decided she was responsible for manipulating my relationship with everyone. And now I have a close relationship with my dad and a terrible one with my mom. Because of the things she did to ME, that I clearly saw, because her personality flaws were apparent. My dad didn't say a word and I have issues with some decisions he made and I think he should have fought harder to protect me, but he let me get there on my own.

He made decisions about HIMSELF in relation to my mom and let me make my own decisions about her. And that is giving your kids autonomy, and allowing them to individuate from you.

&lt;insert exceptions I have acknowledged here many times for situations where parent has abandoned family or kid will find out due to circumstances or when a child asks the question directly&gt;[/quote]

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