Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am the kid in this situation and figured it out when I was 22.  It's very hard to keep a secret lifelong if you'd tat with the AP.  I would rather have been told, and not lied to when I asked directly.  I feel like they lied to me to manipulate me into accepting his new wife, and to avoid dealing with my reaction.  Very self-serving behavior that was not with my best interest at heart.[/quote]

I agree with this. It was kept from me and I found out when I was 30!!! Then I learned the "story" in bits and pieces over another 10 years. While I am not sure how young would be too young, I think kids should be told in an appropriate way. No need to give details and extra negative commentary. Then think about therapy for the child/children so they can work through the complex feelings that are sure to come up. There is no such thing as being blissfully ignorant as a child in this situation. Not knowing when others know and family dynamics get more complicated only adds layer upon layer to the wound. The sense of betrayal will be more intense and healing will take much longer. Not knowing what happened can effect emotional growth and the capability of being a happy well-functioning adult.

I agree with the above poster that parents in this situation tend to be self-serving either out of selfishness or because they are simply trying to deal with the situation the best way they can. The adulterous parent doesn't necessarily want to own up to their behavior and deal with how it effects his/her children. And the parent that was cheated on often is in survival mode and unable to help their children.

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