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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW. [/quote]

Why do you feel the need to obtain her approval?[/quote]

I felt really judged after her talk with me at our lunch, and like she did not get the seriousness of the issues I have with my mom, and thus probably figured I was holding some sort of unnecessary grudge.[/quote]

End this outpouring of energy toward your mother by NOT sending that email. It would be shared and poured over with your mother and would be even more manipulative than it already is for her to have already involved her. Some day your step mil will see behind her facade and understand the reason for your boundaries.

If step mil forces the topic, say what you said here: I felt judged by you and that you did not understand the seriousness of the safety/boundary issues with my mother. I'll thank you to NOT bring this up again.

If you have to go there, let her know you have forgiven the past burt that  you can't change the fact that she did not keep you safe but you can change the future by keeping yourself and your family safe and away from her. [/quote]

This is the OP, and I have not sent the email, nor will I. I really doubt it would be shared with my mother, but I still don't think it would accomplish anything.

I realized that my family (mother, sister, cousins, etc.) have been sending me the message that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, should just get over it, etc... and that my step-MIL, who is more like a mother to me than my own mother ever was, basically just piled on with more of that. Ouch. I really just don't understand how or why so many people can overlook a man sexually assaulting his step child. It's unfathomable to me.

I have also come to accept that some PPs were right, my mother has some narcissistic tendencies. I always hoped that I would somehow be able to change my reactions to her, not realizing that my reactions (self protection mechanisms) are about way more than my issues with her glossing over her husband's behavior, and that they are deeply embedded in my psyche, unlikely to ever go away.

For any of you also struggling with this, here are a couple of articles that I found to be insightful and helpful:

http://goop.com/the-legacy-of-a-narcissistic-parent/?utm_source=goop+issue&utm_campaign=de14338601-327_Narcissistic_Parent3_25_2015&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5ad74d5855-de14338601-2220582&mc_cid=de14338601&mc_eid=c8aef09e62

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201609/8-common-effects-narcissistic-parenting[/quote]

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