Also OP, by keeping her in your life while everyone knows what you said her husband has done is just going to push everyone to questions your story. Because why would you associate with your abuser's wife? You are sending mixed messages.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP. I am so struck by how you described childhood abuse and yet it wasn't the first thing on your list. Your mother repeatedly chose men over her children, allowed her children to be abused, abused them herself, and refused (and refuses) to acknowledge her mistakes.

She's not strange. She's mentally ill, and she's manipulating you even now.

She will always fight against any boundaries you try to set. That is who she is. SET THEM, protect yourself, and limit your interactions with her to a minimum. Is it possible she could be a decent grandmother? Sure. Maybe. But she was a shitty mom and still is.

SHE IS NOT SAFE TO BE AROUND YOUR KIDS!!! you need therapy to see this. NOT SAFE AT ALL!!!!! The fact that you don'e see this is very alarming. Please, please get some help. She should be cut off forever.

This is the OP, and I am okay with my mother being around my children once a year because I am always there. I would never, ever leave them alone with her, even for a second.

Her husband is never within even 1,000 miles of my home or my children, either... not that that is my only concern with having my children around her.

OP, at some point, you are going to leave the room to go pee and she is going to facetime Grabby Grandpa. She is not a safe person and you are teaching your daughter that she is a safe person. It's never a good idea to have unsafe people around your child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP. I am so struck by how you described childhood abuse and yet it wasn't the first thing on your list. Your mother repeatedly chose men over her children, allowed her children to be abused, abused them herself, and refused (and refuses) to acknowledge her mistakes.

She's not strange. She's mentally ill, and she's manipulating you even now.

She will always fight against any boundaries you try to set. That is who she is. SET THEM, protect yourself, and limit your interactions with her to a minimum. Is it possible she could be a decent grandmother? Sure. Maybe. But she was a shitty mom and still is.

SHE IS NOT SAFE TO BE AROUND YOUR KIDS!!! you need therapy to see this. NOT SAFE AT ALL!!!!! The fact that you don'e see this is very alarming. Please, please get some help. She should be cut off forever.

This is the OP, and I am okay with my mother being around my children once a year because I am always there. I would never, ever leave them alone with her, even for a second.

Her husband is never within even 1,000 miles of my home or my children, either... not that that is my only concern with having my children around her.

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP. I am so struck by how you described childhood abuse and yet it wasn't the first thing on your list. Your mother repeatedly chose men over her children, allowed her children to be abused, abused them herself, and refused (and refuses) to acknowledge her mistakes.

She's not strange. She's mentally ill, and she's manipulating you even now.

She will always fight against any boundaries you try to set. That is who she is. SET THEM, protect yourself, and limit your interactions with her to a minimum. Is it possible she could be a decent grandmother? Sure. Maybe. But she was a shitty mom and still is.

SHE IS NOT SAFE TO BE AROUND YOUR KIDS!!! you need therapy to see this. NOT SAFE AT ALL!!!!! The fact that you don'e see this is very alarming. Please, please get some help. She should be cut off forever.

P.S., yes... Goop!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Why do you feel the need to obtain her approval?

I felt really judged after her talk with me at our lunch, and like she did not get the seriousness of the issues I have with my mom, and thus probably figured I was holding some sort of unnecessary grudge.

End this outpouring of energy toward your mother by NOT sending that email. It would be shared and poured over with your mother and would be even more manipulative than it already is for her to have already involved her. Some day your step mil will see behind her facade and understand the reason for your boundaries.

If step mil forces the topic, say what you said here: I felt judged by you and that you did not understand the seriousness of the safety/boundary issues with my mother. I'll thank you to NOT bring this up again.

If you have to go there, let her know you have forgiven the past burt that you can't change the fact that she did not keep you safe but you can change the future by keeping yourself and your family safe and away from her.

This is the OP, and I have not sent the email, nor will I. I really doubt it would be shared with my mother, but I still don't think it would accomplish anything.

I realized that my family (mother, sister, cousins, etc.) have been sending me the message that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, should just get over it, etc... and that my step-MIL, who is more like a mother to me than my own mother ever was, basically just piled on with more of that. Ouch. I really just don't understand how or why so many people can overlook a man sexually assaulting his step child. It's unfathomable to me.

I have also come to accept that some PPs were right, my mother has some narcissistic tendencies. I always hoped that I would somehow be able to change my reactions to her, not realizing that my reactions (self protection mechanisms) are about way more than my issues with her glossing over her husband's behavior, and that they are deeply embedded in my psyche, unlikely to ever go away.

For any of you also struggling with this, here are a couple of articles that I found to be insightful and helpful:

http://goop.com/the-legacy-of-a-narcissistic-parent/?utm_source=goop+issue&utm_campaign=de14338601-327_Narcissistic_Parent3_25_2015&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5ad74d5855-de14338601-2220582&mc_cid=de14338601&mc_eid=c8aef09e62

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201609/8-common-effects-narcissistic-parenting

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Why do you feel the need to obtain her approval?

I felt really judged after her talk with me at our lunch, and like she did not get the seriousness of the issues I have with my mom, and thus probably figured I was holding some sort of unnecessary grudge.

End this outpouring of energy toward your mother by NOT sending that email. It would be shared and poured over with your mother and would be even more manipulative than it already is for her to have already involved her. Some day your step mil will see behind her facade and understand the reason for your boundaries.

If step mil forces the topic, say what you said here: I felt judged by you and that you did not understand the seriousness of the safety/boundary issues with my mother. I'll thank you to NOT bring this up again.

If you have to go there, let her know you have forgiven the past burt that you can't change the fact that she did not keep you safe but you can change the future by keeping yourself and your family safe and away from her.

Anonymous wrote:Google "narcissistic mother." I have one too and cut off all contact as a self-preservation move. Good luck.

She could be. She is generally not outwardly mean, doesn't make snide comments that I can think of, etc. Does that matter?

I am pregnant and she keeps asking, "how much weight have you gained so far?" I asked her why she cares, and she said she was trying to guess how big the baby might be but it still rubs me the wrong way (and I don't give her an answer). That is the only example I can think of, though.

Google "narcissistic mother." I have one too and cut off all contact as a self-preservation move. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:How did your mom and step-MIL forge such a close relationship? Not to add to the drama, but I don't think I would be so happy with my step-MIL getting involved like this, especially if she knows that your mom stood by while her husband was sexually inappropriate with you. I don't think I would want to be close friends with the mother of my DIL if the mother had such behavior, and I knew about it.

That is just the way my step-MIL is. She's pretty religious, tries to see the good in everyone, wants to be everyone's savior, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Please make sure your mom is never alone with any of your kids and don't allow her husband into your home. This may be obvious but I know boundaries can be hard when you've been raised by someone like this.

Oh, he is not welcome in my home. He doesn't accompany her on her trips to my area, and none of my husband's family have ever met him (nor has my husband).

That boundary is a pretty easy one for me to keep.

Please make sure your mom is never alone with any of your kids and don't allow her husband into your home. This may be obvious but I know boundaries can be hard when you've been raised by someone like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I spent the last 20 minutes writing an email to my step-MIL, outlining the seriousness of my issues with my mother in an effort to get her to understand why I have these boundaries in place, and why it is important that I maintain them.

It was cathartic to write it... but should I bother sending it? It's a kind and respectful email, FWIW.

Why do you feel the need to obtain her approval?

I felt really judged after her talk with me at our lunch, and like she did not get the seriousness of the issues I have with my mom, and thus probably figured I was holding some sort of unnecessary grudge.

If your step mom will be around your mom's husband and any kids, tell her what happenedand that he shouldn't be alone with kids. If she won't respect your rules then step mom doesn't get to be alone with your kids either.

How did your mom and step-MIL forge such a close relationship? Not to add to the drama, but I don't think I would be so happy with my step-MIL getting involved like this, especially if she knows that your mom stood by while her husband was sexually inappropriate with you. I don't think I would want to be close friends with the mother of my DIL if the mother had such behavior, and I knew about it.

Anonymous wrote:
-it's like she's not present during conversations, instead she is off in la-la land thinking about herself the next thing she's going to stay.

That's like most people, OP.

Otherwise, tough shit. I didn't understand what your problem was though. You want to cut ties? You can.