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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Delete the other woman's info, get rid of the texts, be completely open in terms of letting your wife see your phone, your texts, emails, etc. Don't ever say "I'm going out" but be specific and let her know where you're going.

Basically, be HONEST and TRANSPARENT. Be patient. [/quote]

All thie ^^^
Making amends after 7  months of texting & flirting with an ex is going to take time. A lot of time. Keep being there for her.

I like that you are going to therapy. That will help.

How about you ask your wife what she wants to see from  you?[/quote]

I already did and she doesn't want to feel like she has to tell me how to make amends. I should already know how and it has to be my own ideas. I am stuck here other than setting up date nights or a weekend trip. I'm not winning any points for the day to day help that makes her life easier.[/quote]

So she expects you to be a mind reader? That's helpful.  [/quote] 
[b]
No, she expects OP to put his own energy into figuring out how to make amends.  He broke it, he shouldn't make her spend time thinking of ways to fix it.  Plus, if he is just doing what she tells him to, it is inauthentic.  He is not doing it because HE wants to and HE thinks it would be a good idea, he is doing it because he was told to do it and if he does it he thinks the forgiveness box is checked off. [/b]

As previous PPs note, OP seems to view himself as a subordinate in this relationship.  He is "helping" with the baby.  He is "being supportive".  Etc.  All this sounds good on the surface -- "I am a good guy, I help."  -- but the reality underneath is that OP is not an all in, equal partner.

OP, it sounds like the revelation of the cheating prompted your wife to evaluate the relationship.  He is what she saw: "Hmm.  I don't have an equal partner in parenting.  I don't have a reliable and trustworthy intimate partner.  I am a financial equal and can take care of myself and our kid financially.  So, why the hell am I married?  I should just get out of this crappy relationship where I am putting in more effort and care than my partner.  I don't want to live like that for the rest of my life. I don't want to teach my kids to expect so little in life.  The kids and I would be better off divorced. "

BTW, on the "she doesn't believe I didn't sleep with the ex" problem.  Why should she trust your answer on this?  You have already demonstrated your untrustworthiness.  Who in their right mind trusts a known liar (you)?  You can only say to your wife, "What I did was very wrong, and I am trying to fix myself so that it never happens again.  I want you to know that I didn't meet or sleep with this woman, and that I never intended or thought about doing so.  I can understand why you don't believe me though given what I did do.  I want you to know that I am fully committed to you and to the extent it can allay your fears, you have full access to my phone, texts, emails, whereabouts, etc., forever. "

And, finally, if you really don't understand that what you did was cheating, you need much more time in therapy.  What you did was manipulative -- you kept something secret from your wife you knew she wouldn't like in order to avoid her reacting in a way that you wouldn't like.  Responsible adults don't behave like that.   It's called "intimate betrayal," and it's abusive and can be traumatic, especially when the partner is in a vulnerable, dependent position (like being a new mom where she is dependent on the husband for economic and parenting support).  Read up on it. [/quote]

I can appreciate where this is coming from, but it is an immature and unproductive approach. The reality is that it takes both partners in the marriage in order to fix it. There is no single one thing that OP can do on his own that will magically fix things.[/quote]

That is true.  There is no single thing that the OP can do on his own that will magically fix things.  That is because the OP needs to acknowledge that he does not have total control of the marriage.  That is the essence of cheating -- control.  People cheat in order to control the consequences of the thing they want to do.  The cheater has to give up control.  Cheater gets to decide what he wants to do -- cheat or not cheat.  Victim spouse gets to decide what he/she wants to do -- stay or go.

What is really "immature and unproductive" is for the perpetrator spouse to expect the victim spouse to do his work for him.  The work that the perpetrator spouse has to do is decide what kind of person he wants to be.  That is his own decision.  Not something the victim spouse should dictate to him.  Perpetrator spouse has to decide how to make amends.  Does he want to be the kind of guy that is transparent?  Does he want to be the kind of guy who does what needs to be done in the house and parenting without being asked or directed?    He can do all those things and victim spouse still may decide to divorce.

Perpetrator spouse wants a guarantee and control.  Perpetrator spouse wants to know, if I do X, then the marriage continues.  That is not how life works.  He may do everything he thinks is right and his spouse still may want divorce.  The issue isn't the marriage, it's him.

You are right, the victim spouse also should be doing "work," but her work is deciding what kind of life SHE wants.  Maybe her work involves realizing that she'll never really be able to live with the scar on her trust.  In the end, the victim spouse has to realize she also doesn't have "control."  There is nothing he/she can do to guarantee that the cheating won't happen again.  All she can do is decide every day if she is living the life she wants.  She has to focus her control on her own life decisions, only one of which is about the marriage. [/quote]

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