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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
As a cheated upon wife, I actually find the whole above exchange between OP and PP offensive, delusional and so typical of the kind of "reconciliation" that is forced upon wives.  First, when OP says "she doesn't want to work on marriage because she doesn't think she did anything wrong," OP's wife is oh, so right.  The failure of the wife to do something or the failure of an aspect of a marriage or the OP's "not getting his need met in marriage" is not the cause of cheating (whether it's physical sex, or emotional cheating).  The cause of that is the OP himself -- his own weakness in seeking to get needs met in an inappropriate way.  That is not wife's fault.  That is not something wife can fix in therapy; it's not her job at all to fix OP.

In fact, I view cheating as emotionally abusive and it is NOT appropriate for a therapist to solve abuse by having the abuser and the victim together in therapy.  I know lots of marital counselors take this approach -- putting the couple into therapy to fix the problem in the marriage -- but it is wrong.  PP's description of therapy sounds like this approach.  Basically the message sent to the spouse by this kind of therapy is, "you failed to provide something, so your spouse sought it outside the marriage.  If you provide that something now and in the future, then spouse will no longer cheat."  This is really manipulative.  Most of the time, cheating partners like PP believe the "marriage is stronger" but in reality, the wife has just decided to swallow the crap and move on.  This doesn't really make the marriage stronger.

PP is right about one thing -- you can't fix a marriage by yourself and the cheating partner cannot by himself continue the marriage.  It is entirely up to the victim spouse to decide -- does she want a marriage like this (one broken by trust)?  Does she want to live, on balance, with this partner (who has X good qualities and Y crappy ones).  [/quote]

PP, you have valid points. One being that cheating is an action where the responsibility ultimately belongs to the cheater. Yes, it's emotionally abusive. Yes, too often therapists try to reconcile when both parties are not ready for that. Yes, there is no guarantee that a spouse won't cheat again regardless of what might be changed or added.

Now, as to the spouse who has been cheated upon. It is not inappropriate, and at times absolutely advisable, for that spouse to self assess. Why? Because their behavior could have also been abusive or neglectful or any of a number of things. Whether that had anything to do with the cheater cheating doesn't matter. If it is an issue that needs to be addressed shooting the cheater in the ass as the sole offender doesn't solve anything nor does it let the aggrieved spouse take a get out of any responsibility for my part of the issues in our marriage card. In fact if the marriage is to survive it won't have much of a chance unless both address what they need to address within themselves and then the marriage. As you stated, ''you can't fix a marriage by yourself'' and I will add, nor can you fix a marriage if your focus is only on the asshole who cheated and not also on yourself.

There is no way for anyone in this forum, or even near to the lives of these people, that can accurately assess and recommend. The only thing that's possible is to share whatever knowledge and experience we each have.[/quote]

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