Reply to losing interest in spouse in sexless marriage

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[quote=Anonymous]Not that it matters a lot, but do you mean sexless as in no sex at all for 3 years? Or sexless as in less than 10 times per year for 3 years?

You can't just give up on sex. If you suppress that part of you, it will crop up in weird and counterproductive ways. But, oddly, I'm not sure you actually need sex as much as you need hope that some semblance of a sex life will return.

The books I've found the most helpful are the Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and his follow up Mindful Attraction Plan. Some of the alpha/beta "red pill" stuff in MMSL is overdone and he backed off of it in MAP, but there is a lot in those books about how to make yourself more attractive (e.g. exercise, dressing better, achieving financial goals, being more assertive). The great things about these books are: a) they have recommendations for action you can take yourself -- you don't need to rely on your low sex drive partner to take the initiative; and b) even if the sex doesn't come back, you'll have made yourself a better person.

The other one is Emily Nagoski's "Come as You Are" which is a pretty remarkable look at a woman's sex drive. She's really good about insisting that women aren't broken. Their sex drives are normal, for the most part, but environmental stressors can really wreak havoc on that drive. She describes the sex drive as really being more of a break pedal and a gas pedal. Men tend to have a more sensitive gas pedal and a less sensitive brake. You both have to make it a priority to figure out the brakes and get rid of them, then experiment with potential gas.

Your wife has to be your partner in this; you can't do it alone. That conversation is tough. You have to make it clear that this is a problem in your marriage that needs to be addressed but also emphasize that she's not broken, she's not a bad person, and you're in this together. I think the Nagoski book is good for this. I'd recommend reading it, and that might give you some insight into how to frame the discussion with your wife, then give her the opportunity to read it.

Lots of generalities there, but I hope it's somewhat helpful advice. [/quote]

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