What about your marriage makes you describe it as good?

OP, there is no substitution of sex. Your choices are 1) stay married and miserable 2) cheat or 3) divorce. There is no fourth option.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are a big part of the problem, OP. You posted back and essentially said you aren't interested in fixing the problem. Your avoidance and lack of communication likely contributed to the situation. So you are asking for tips on how to be happy in a sexless marriage? No advice for you. It sounds like a miserable existence. You never know when your libido might tank, so there's no telling when you might be out of service. Think about that if you are contemplating holding out until the kids go off to college.

The bottom line is that you have a roommate who you support financially. You derive some benefit from the situation despite having zero intimacy. If you are cool with that, then keep on keeping on.

She works.

So you are sponging off her? I don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are a big part of the problem, OP. You posted back and essentially said you aren't interested in fixing the problem. Your avoidance and lack of communication likely contributed to the situation. So you are asking for tips on how to be happy in a sexless marriage? No advice for you. It sounds like a miserable existence. You never know when your libido might tank, so there's no telling when you might be out of service. Think about that if you are contemplating holding out until the kids go off to college.

The bottom line is that you have a roommate who you support financially. You derive some benefit from the situation despite having zero intimacy. If you are cool with that, then keep on keeping on.

She works.

It sounds like you are a big part of the problem, OP. You posted back and essentially said you aren't interested in fixing the problem. Your avoidance and lack of communication likely contributed to the situation. So you are asking for tips on how to be happy in a sexless marriage? No advice for you. It sounds like a miserable existence. You never know when your libido might tank, so there's no telling when you might be out of service. Think about that if you are contemplating holding out until the kids go off to college.

The bottom line is that you have a roommate who you support financially. You derive some benefit from the situation despite having zero intimacy. If you are cool with that, then keep on keeping on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

OP here. Thank you to all for your responses, they are very helpful. What I am trying to share here is that I don't think this sexless marriage will change so I am not really looking for ways to try to change it if that makes sense. I am at the point of either finding some strategies to manage this situation for myself emotionally-the goal of this thread- or pack up the marriage and quit-where I do not think I am at yet.

I am not really seeking out guidance on how to get sex back, I have spent a lot of time and energy on that in the past to no avail. I am really looking to see if there is anyone that has suggestions on how I can manage this situation internally, not reasons for it or how to change it if that makes sense.

Appreciated!

I don't understand what you're asking. How to live with no sex?

You might as well be a Catholic priest or run off and join the Fremch Foreign Legion. Both can give you companionship and you won't have sex. At least that way you're either getting to know God or blowing stuff up and sending people to him...either of those are more fun than the current situation you're in.

OP if you check back in....

YOU should seek counseling on your own. Ask a trained professional what strategies you might use to stay engaged in your marriage without sex. Let them help you get to where you are trying to go.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

OP here. Thank you to all for your responses, they are very helpful. What I am trying to share here is that I don't think this sexless marriage will change so I am not really looking for ways to try to change it if that makes sense. I am at the point of either finding some strategies to manage this situation for myself emotionally-the goal of this thread- or pack up the marriage and quit-where I do not think I am at yet.

I am not really seeking out guidance on how to get sex back, I have spent a lot of time and energy on that in the past to no avail. I am really looking to see if there is anyone that has suggestions on how I can manage this situation internally, not reasons for it or how to change it if that makes sense.

Appreciated!

I don't understand what you're asking. How to live with no sex?

Not that it matters a lot, but do you mean sexless as in no sex at all for 3 years? Or sexless as in less than 10 times per year for 3 years?

You can't just give up on sex. If you suppress that part of you, it will crop up in weird and counterproductive ways. But, oddly, I'm not sure you actually need sex as much as you need hope that some semblance of a sex life will return.

The books I've found the most helpful are the Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and his follow up Mindful Attraction Plan. Some of the alpha/beta "red pill" stuff in MMSL is overdone and he backed off of it in MAP, but there is a lot in those books about how to make yourself more attractive (e.g. exercise, dressing better, achieving financial goals, being more assertive). The great things about these books are: a) they have recommendations for action you can take yourself -- you don't need to rely on your low sex drive partner to take the initiative; and b) even if the sex doesn't come back, you'll have made yourself a better person.

The other one is Emily Nagoski's "Come as You Are" which is a pretty remarkable look at a woman's sex drive. She's really good about insisting that women aren't broken. Their sex drives are normal, for the most part, but environmental stressors can really wreak havoc on that drive. She describes the sex drive as really being more of a break pedal and a gas pedal. Men tend to have a more sensitive gas pedal and a less sensitive brake. You both have to make it a priority to figure out the brakes and get rid of them, then experiment with potential gas.

Your wife has to be your partner in this; you can't do it alone. That conversation is tough. You have to make it clear that this is a problem in your marriage that needs to be addressed but also emphasize that she's not broken, she's not a bad person, and you're in this together. I think the Nagoski book is good for this. I'd recommend reading it, and that might give you some insight into how to frame the discussion with your wife, then give her the opportunity to read it.

Lots of generalities there, but I hope it's somewhat helpful advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is her reason for never having sex?

It changes all the time. Tired, work, frustrated, not feeling good, not feeling sexy, need to go do something. The list is literally endless. That is why its not so much about the sex, I have resigned myself that it isn't going to be there. It's more about how do I try to manage some level of interaction with her. I don't really want to go get it anywhere else to be honest, I don't want sex, I want sex with her. I guess I could tell her I might try somewhere else but I feel that that would just make the relationship worse becuase she would not be ok with that but I don't see it having any impact on her.

Please have her get checked for thyroid and adrenal issues. If her sex drive has tanked and shes easily frustrated and tired those are all signs of her hormone levels being wack.

Its also a fairly easy and straightforward fix if there are no other underlying issues.

Op 3 years!!! Seriously 3 years! I'm wondering if she is even attracted to you. Maybe she's one of those asexual women that fake it to get a husband and didn't mention it premarriage. Goodness! They are women who do this in a marriage? Btw I'm a woman. This is just awful. Op whatever you choose to do, remember you deserve to be happy too. Work on your self confidence and good luck.

I was in a sexless marriage two years before divorce, somehow ex-H and I became miss-matched sexually and I wrote off having sex with him completely. I realize now how important sex is to marriage and I see clearly how it contributed to our divorce. What has helped me with this realization is reading this forum and the many threads about sexless marriages.

Anonymous wrote:"Suzy, we need to talk. I think we both know that we have a problem. We haven't had sex in 3 years, and it's taken a serious toll on our marriage. We are essentially roommates, and that's not good enough for me. If you are unwilling to try to improve the situation, then I think we need to figure out how to consciously uncouple...because I'm not going to spend the rest of my life like this."

Say that, and report back.

+ a billion!!!

Anonymous wrote:The strategy is to do what you are doing....I am in your boat and all I do is be the best dad and husband I can be and just live with my marriage is not what I wanted. I am not sure what other answer there is. You said you accept it and you know you are defeated. You also said you don't hate her and your kids are not effected, so to me it sounds like you have a hold on it!!

That's ridiculous, your resentment will grow. You have options
1. Talk to her
2 stop being a beta male and go do your thing and improve yourself. If she's not along with that then move to 3
3. Go find a woman who wants to sleep with you. I.e. Get a divorce

Sexless isn't a marriage, you're roommates and she's selfish. She's decided that two people won't have sex..her and you.

Of course there is a hidden option. Ask for an open marriage. If she explodes - and she might - then tell her to seek help and figure out what's wrong

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be clear... she doesn't do anything for you. (Leave the no sex part out.) You are saying she does nothing for you or with you?

No, she does some stuff with me and to some extent for me, but they are things like laundry and that kind of stuff or things that are beneficial and fun for her/family with me being part of the family. She's not a horrible wife or a bitch or anything, but I can't really think of anything that she has done for me recently just because she knows I would like it or it would mean something to me. Case in point is the birthday dinner. There is nothing wrong with going out to a nice dinner, but it really had nothing to do with me or what I would have wanted, just that is a nice generic thing to do on birthdays if that makes sense.

She does nothing for you. Continuing to be a "good husband" is the same as being a "doormat".

This has nothing to do with sex. She has checked out. Track her phone. Go to counseling.

Thanks, I am 99.9% sure she is not getting any side action. She just isn't sexual enough for that to be an issue plus I know she is too busy to be squeezing it in at work. I agree I feel like a doormat. The birthday thing feels like it lifted a huge curtain that has been there for the past few years. It feels like I am looking at the whole situation with new eyes, which is why I am feeling awkward and depressed being around her.

I'm the grown child of parents like you.... Your kids will sense your depression and the awkwardness. Please believe me. BTDT (or experienced that)