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[quote=Anonymous][quote]
What just snapped for me tonight is that my husband always needs things his way, or he criticizes. This is a dumb example, but it's what triggered the yelling. He went grocery shopping - I offered, but he likes to go and says I spend too much money when I go. I was outside gardening when he returned, and I heard sounds near the trash like things being thrown or moved. I went over and he was furious that I had put the small, open recycling container upside down. I did this so that the rain wouldn't stick inside and attract mosquitoes. I tried to explain, but he just went off on a tirade and asked why I hadn't cleaned while he was gone. Well, we were supposed to clean as a family but after his outburst we just stopped talking and I cleaned while he worked and began dinner. I sent regrets to a former colleague's party at a sumptuous House with a rooftop deck for perfect viewing of the fireworks over the Washington Monument. Just a horrible time today and all I can think about is asking him to go stay at a colleague's house.[/quote]

Holy crap - are we married to the same man? Every detail is there - the micromanagement of money, slamming trash cans around, freaking out about one thing being out of place, getting even screamier when you provide a reasonable explanation. I have ADD, too. Individual counseling has helped me. I went in there to seek help with my ADD so I could try to improve my routines and prevent the screaming outbursts from my husband. It took me a few sessions to really believe what my therapist was telling me - that his behavior is abusive. Your forgetfulness or whatever have very little to do with it. You could make yourself into a flawless housecleaning robot who anticipates his every need, and he would be no different.

I would suggest seeing a counselor -by yourself -  who specializes in relationships and is familiar with abusive ones. In the moment, when he's mid-freakout, don't explain yourself or try to reason with him. Put up your hand and say "stop" or "no" - followed by "I won't discuss this with you when you are shouting. I'm going to (another room), and we can talk about it after we are feeling calmer." Ultimately, if things are going to get better, he's going to have to recognize that his behavior is unacceptable and commit to changing it. Yelling is a choice. Of course, you can't make him change, and he may not want to. Then it's time to leave.
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