Anonymous wrote:The thing about the yelling is that he CHOOSES to ALLOW himself to abuse you. Presumably he doesn't yell and scream at his boss, his subordinates or his mother. IT is a choice to decide how to respond to feelings of rage. The feelings may not be a choice but the response is a choice. Would he be willing to read a book on anger or to attend anger management classes? I left the home when the yelling started and also told my husband I would leave unless he took a class. I have college aged kids and realized I did not want to be yelled at every day for the rest of my life.

A good example of what I wrote. Middle aged wives actually have more options than young or elderly wives. My former MIL is a very nice and loving woman. I have purposefully maintained a close relationship with her for the sake of my child. My former FIL is a tyrant who emotionally abused the entire family, menaces his wife, and physically abused one child (not my ex). My former in-laws are now in their 80s. She is still terrified of her husband. There was a moment when they were in their late 60s that she inherited a fairly large sum of money from her late mother. I thought that she would use it to leave. Instead, she split it up among the 5 kids and 11 grands. At the time, I urged my then-DH to tell her that we couldn't take the money because we wanted her to have funds for an apartment if she got brave enough to leave. We learned that she did it so that my former SIL could leave her DH who was emotionally abusive and throwing things around the house. She funded her DD's escape and now can't afford her own. There was a lot of hope that my former FIL would mellow with age. He has not. He was yelling at her last Friday when I saw them at the exchange with my ex. Last year, he had a bad fall and was hospitalized for a while. You could see her bloom during that time. Then her DH came home and she withered again. This year, he had a couple brushes with death from accidents and I think he survived them just so he could go on making everyone's life miserable.

Zoloft really helped my husband with this.

Anonymous wrote:The thing about the yelling is that he CHOOSES to ALLOW himself to abuse you. Presumably he doesn't yell and scream at his boss, his subordinates or his mother. IT is a choice to decide how to respond to feelings of rage. The feelings may not be a choice but the response is a choice. Would he be willing to read a book on anger or to attend anger management classes? I left the home when the yelling started and also told my husband I would leave unless he took a class. I have college aged kids and realized I did not want to be yelled at every day for the rest of my life.

That is exactly the point I got to as well. I didn't want to be yelled at every day for the rest of my life.

Op, he is the one with a problem. He should be finding a therapist. The next time he yells at you tell him you won't be spoken to in that tone of voice and if he doesn't like it he can leave. Take back your self-respect. I'm not being mean, I've been there and I would bend over backwards to make sure everything was just the way he wanted it. But it was never enough. Stop playing his games and take control of your life. He's acting like a child. If he wants to have temper tantrums let him, but tell him you won't be around to watch.

The thing about the yelling is that he CHOOSES to ALLOW himself to abuse you. Presumably he doesn't yell and scream at his boss, his subordinates or his mother. IT is a choice to decide how to respond to feelings of rage. The feelings may not be a choice but the response is a choice. Would he be willing to read a book on anger or to attend anger management classes? I left the home when the yelling started and also told my husband I would leave unless he took a class. I have college aged kids and realized I did not want to be yelled at every day for the rest of my life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few women who divorced their nice, sweet, quiet husbands after two decades of boredom. "Yes dear" gets old quickly...especially after you've devolved to sexless roommates.

BS. The middle-aged women don't divorce their husbands. It's the middle-aged husbands who trade in their middle-aged wives for a younger, more exciting model.

Actually, many do.

1. The kids are grown and out of the house or at least old enough to not require two adults under the same roof in order to survive.
2. If she maintained her career during her child-bearing years, she should be at a level where she can afford to support herself in a respectable fashion. She may even be at "the jump" where she can either aggressively build her current career or transition to a new one without starting at entry level.
3. She's had 20 years of his behavior and can't stomach the idea of 30 more.
4. Her sexuality likely changed in her mid-40s and early 50s. Normal hormonal changes can alter what she needs in bed. If the couple was having great sex, she may continue to enjoy it, but need lube for the first time in their marriage. If the sex was just okay or transactional (to avoid "SBU" so the husband would help with the kids), she may be less inclined to engage in it regularly because she isn't getting much out of it anymore. If the sex was bad, she's aware that other men (and/or women) find her attractive and she wants to explore those sexual possibilities without having an affair.
5. She sees that her friends who divorced during their child-bearing years got past the worst years (involving custody and CS conflict) and are now thriving personally and socially. They may be happily dating without looking for commitment or they might have started a successful and satisfying relationship with a new man. He's not Mr. Wonderful, but he's good in bed, treats her well, and picks up his own damn socks (likely because that was one factor in his own divorce 10 years ago when his wife got sick of cleaning up after the kids and him).
6. He was the additional child. 20 or more years have passed and he has "failure to launch". She realizes that he will never pick up his own damn socks, help prepare the house for guests, remember important dates on his own, or stop pouting because she can't stop something important to do what he wants (often a BJ). She gave him roots, now it's time to give him wings.
7. His mid-life crisis is impacting her negatively. She can't/won't navigate both her own menopause and his existential angst over the fact that young women don't think he's hot anymore.
8. He was abusive. Maybe not physically, but he emotionally or financially abused her. Despite it all, she's experienced the burst of female empowerment that hits at middle age. The kids are out of the house so she doesn't have to worry that he'll retaliate with custody battles or abducting the kids. She can move anywhere in the country or the world. She just has to walk out the door. She begins to smile again.

Anonymous wrote:SBU = sperm build up

It's the male version of PMS. It's easy to address: empty the pipes.

I'm totally serious. My DH has SBU after 48 hours. Keep them serviced every 24 hours and you won't have a cranky DH.

#menareeasy

You sound like a fucking idiot. Your husband is a dickhead too. Match made in heaven. Go back to "servicing" like a whore.

Anonymous wrote:Switching gears slightly: when a friend's husvand's personality changed dramatically, it turned out he had a brain tumor.

When another friend's husband changed dramatically, it turned out he had a much younger mistress.

I think the latter is far more likely, as much as some would prefer the former.

What just snapped for me tonight is that my husband always needs things his way, or he criticizes. This is a dumb example, but it's what triggered the yelling. He went grocery shopping - I offered, but he likes to go and says I spend too much money when I go. I was outside gardening when he returned, and I heard sounds near the trash like things being thrown or moved. I went over and he was furious that I had put the small, open recycling container upside down. I did this so that the rain wouldn't stick inside and attract mosquitoes. I tried to explain, but he just went off on a tirade and asked why I hadn't cleaned while he was gone. Well, we were supposed to clean as a family but after his outburst we just stopped talking and I cleaned while he worked and began dinner. I sent regrets to a former colleague's party at a sumptuous House with a rooftop deck for perfect viewing of the fireworks over the Washington Monument. Just a horrible time today and all I can think about is asking him to go stay at a colleague's house.

Holy crap - are we married to the same man? Every detail is there - the micromanagement of money, slamming trash cans around, freaking out about one thing being out of place, getting even screamier when you provide a reasonable explanation. I have ADD, too. Individual counseling has helped me. I went in there to seek help with my ADD so I could try to improve my routines and prevent the screaming outbursts from my husband. It took me a few sessions to really believe what my therapist was telling me - that his behavior is abusive. Your forgetfulness or whatever have very little to do with it. You could make yourself into a flawless housecleaning robot who anticipates his every need, and he would be no different.

I would suggest seeing a counselor -by yourself - who specializes in relationships and is familiar with abusive ones. In the moment, when he's mid-freakout, don't explain yourself or try to reason with him. Put up your hand and say "stop" or "no" - followed by "I won't discuss this with you when you are shouting. I'm going to (another room), and we can talk about it after we are feeling calmer." Ultimately, if things are going to get better, he's going to have to recognize that his behavior is unacceptable and commit to changing it. Yelling is a choice. Of course, you can't make him change, and he may not want to. Then it's time to leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SBU = sperm build up

It's the male version of PMS. It's easy to address: empty the pipes.

I'm totally serious. My DH has SBU after 48 hours. Keep them serviced every 24 hours and you won't have a cranky DH.

#menareeasy

OP here. Not it. We fooled around yesterday. He's freaked out about $$$ and the messy house.

Can you do anything about the $$$ and messy house? I mean, I know women are always given a pass to "just vent" about their husbands, but if I (a woman) were "freaked out" about money and clutter, having my anxiety labeled "freaking out" and summarily dismissed would make me feel pretty screamy, too.

You don't sound like the most compassionate person about this. Maybe that's because you're stressed about the same issues? Or your own stuff? It's so easy to paint a certain picture on the internet, but these things do have a cause. And since they're happening repeatedly, part of the situation is you. You can claim victim status, and attempt to duck responsibility for your own involvement by blaming him, but think long and hard about whether or not he truly just "snaps" or if there's repeated behaviors that trigger it.

Of course, you may decide you don't care about what you're doing to contribute. That's also your right.

Good luck.

Please just shut up.

The cause of someone screaming and yelling is their own immaturity. Period. No one is "triggered" to yell at someone else. Grow up.

Wow, PP. Self-awareness doesn't seem to be your strength. Hypocrisy, however, you seem to have on lock. Well done, you! Cheers!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SBU = sperm build up

It's the male version of PMS. It's easy to address: empty the pipes.

I'm totally serious. My DH has SBU after 48 hours. Keep them serviced every 24 hours and you won't have a cranky DH.

#menareeasy

OP here. Not it. We fooled around yesterday. He's freaked out about $$$ and the messy house.

Can you do anything about the $$$ and messy house? I mean, I know women are always given a pass to "just vent" about their husbands, but if I (a woman) were "freaked out" about money and clutter, having my anxiety labeled "freaking out" and summarily dismissed would make me feel pretty screamy, too.

You don't sound like the most compassionate person about this. Maybe that's because you're stressed about the same issues? Or your own stuff? It's so easy to paint a certain picture on the internet, but these things do have a cause. And since they're happening repeatedly, part of the situation is you. You can claim victim status, and attempt to duck responsibility for your own involvement by blaming him, but think long and hard about whether or not he truly just "snaps" or if there's repeated behaviors that trigger it.

Of course, you may decide you don't care about what you're doing to contribute. That's also your right.

Good luck.

PP, I work hard on my own issues which include ADD. Medication, therapy, meditation, and more. One of our children has also been in therapy and on an anti-depressant. What just snapped for me tonight is that my husband always needs things his way, or he criticizes. This is a dumb example, but it's what triggered the yelling. He went grocery shopping - I offered, but he likes to go and says I spend too much money when I go. I was outside gardening when he returned, and I heard sounds near the trash like things being thrown or moved. I went over and he was furious that I had put the small, open recycling container upside down. I did this so that the rain wouldn't stick inside and attract mosquitoes. I tried to explain, but he just went off on a tirade and asked why I hadn't cleaned while he was gone. Well, we were supposed to clean as a family but after his outburst we just stopped talking and I cleaned while he worked and began dinner. I sent regretsave to a former colleague's party at a sumptuous House with a rooftop deck for perfect viewing of the fireworks over the Washington Monument. Just a horrible time today and all I can think about is asking him to go stay at a colleague's house.

Op life does not have to be like this. Get a separation. He can decide if he wants to work on his problems or not, accept that he may never want to. Try to go to couple's therapy to work on coparenting successfully. But put this toxic relationship on hold so you can have peace in your own life.

...or, maybe he feels like she isn't pulling her weight?

Again: he wasn't mad about the recycling container. He was mad that while he was grocery shopping for the family, she was enjoying herself in the garden instead of being productive and cleaning. He feels like she blows money at the grocery store (and up thread she said he's worried about money---maybe she blows money on other things?), and he feels like she isn't doing her part around the house.

We don't know this couple. We are only hearing her side.

If they saw a therapist together, the therapist would drill down to see why he's having outbursts. The therapist would tell them that he isn't really mad about the recycling container---he's reached his breaking point because he feels like she isn't pulling her weight, she's adding to his stress by overspending, etc.

Unless that's not true.

Is it possible he's type A and likes things a certain way, and she's way too laid back? Ie: maybe they just aren't a good match?

Anonymous wrote:Kids don't deserve to "be used" to yelling and screaming, stupid.

For a contrary view, see, e.g., the 1970s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SBU = sperm build up

It's the male version of PMS. It's easy to address: empty the pipes.

I'm totally serious. My DH has SBU after 48 hours. Keep them serviced every 24 hours and you won't have a cranky DH.

#menareeasy

OP here. Not it. We fooled around yesterday. He's freaked out about $$$ and the messy house.

So you already know why he lost his shit then! He's worried about money...he's just using the messy house as a cover. He's really scared about money. Try to figure out why (how bad is the situation? Could he be hiding the problem from you? Could it be really bad?). And try to alleviate his concern instead of exacerbating it (don't spend money...seriously).

Hugs, op. I have ocd tendencies, and have been known to be irritated with dh when I find things are put back "the wrong way", but I usually just go "grrr" under my breath, fix it and move on. I'm sorry about all the yelling, and yea, that's no way to live. I hope you can get him in to counseling and get him to stop blowing his top like that.

The waking you up to yell at you thing is beyond extreme. It's good that he stopped, but that he did that at all is rather telling that he has issues. Hugs again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SBU = sperm build up

It's the male version of PMS. It's easy to address: empty the pipes.

I'm totally serious. My DH has SBU after 48 hours. Keep them serviced every 24 hours and you won't have a cranky DH.

#menareeasy

OP here. Not it. We fooled around yesterday. He's freaked out about $$$ and the messy house.

Can you do anything about the $$$ and messy house? I mean, I know women are always given a pass to "just vent" about their husbands, but if I (a woman) were "freaked out" about money and clutter, having my anxiety labeled "freaking out" and summarily dismissed would make me feel pretty screamy, too.

You don't sound like the most compassionate person about this. Maybe that's because you're stressed about the same issues? Or your own stuff? It's so easy to paint a certain picture on the internet, but these things do have a cause. And since they're happening repeatedly, part of the situation is you. You can claim victim status, and attempt to duck responsibility for your own involvement by blaming him, but think long and hard about whether or not he truly just "snaps" or if there's repeated behaviors that trigger it.

Of course, you may decide you don't care about what you're doing to contribute. That's also your right.

Good luck.

PP, I work hard on my own issues which include ADD. Medication, therapy, meditation, and more. One of our children has also been in therapy and on an anti-depressant. What just snapped for me tonight is that my husband always needs things his way, or he criticizes. This is a dumb example, but it's what triggered the yelling. He went grocery shopping - I offered, but he likes to go and says I spend too much money when I go. I was outside gardening when he returned, and I heard sounds near the trash like things being thrown or moved. I went over and he was furious that I had put the small, open recycling container upside down. I did this so that the rain wouldn't stick inside and attract mosquitoes. I tried to explain, but he just went off on a tirade and asked why I hadn't cleaned while he was gone. Well, we were supposed to clean as a family but after his outburst we just stopped talking and I cleaned while he worked and began dinner. I sent regretsave to a former colleague's party at a sumptuous House with a rooftop deck for perfect viewing of the fireworks over the Washington Monument. Just a horrible time today and all I can think about is asking him to go stay at a colleague's house.

Op life does not have to be like this. Get a separation. He can decide if he wants to work on his problems or not, accept that he may never want to. Try to go to couple's therapy to work on coparenting successfully. But put this toxic relationship on hold so you can have peace in your own life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SBU = sperm build up

It's the male version of PMS. It's easy to address: empty the pipes.

I'm totally serious. My DH has SBU after 48 hours. Keep them serviced every 24 hours and you won't have a cranky DH.

#menareeasy

OP here. Not it. We fooled around yesterday. He's freaked out about $$$ and the messy house.

Can you do anything about the $$$ and messy house? I mean, I know women are always given a pass to "just vent" about their husbands, but if I (a woman) were "freaked out" about money and clutter, having my anxiety labeled "freaking out" and summarily dismissed would make me feel pretty screamy, too.

You don't sound like the most compassionate person about this. Maybe that's because you're stressed about the same issues? Or your own stuff? It's so easy to paint a certain picture on the internet, but these things do have a cause. And since they're happening repeatedly, part of the situation is you. You can claim victim status, and attempt to duck responsibility for your own involvement by blaming him, but think long and hard about whether or not he truly just "snaps" or if there's repeated behaviors that trigger it.

Of course, you may decide you don't care about what you're doing to contribute. That's also your right.

Good luck.

Please just shut up.

The cause of someone screaming and yelling is their own immaturity. Period. No one is "triggered" to yell at someone else. Grow up.