Reply to S/O playdates, socializing and SES

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We are going into year 3 of our Title 1 neighborhood school and have dealt with the birthday party issue for 3 years in a row (were at a different but similar demographic school for PK3). I posted about a year and a half ago about how to bridge language/cultural issues to get my DD's best friend to come to her birthday party. BFF is Latina and her mom doesn't speak English confidently. I got a lot of great advice here, and BFF came to the birthday party and it was wonderful. BFF came to birthday party this year too, and mom and I see each other in the neighborhood regularly and she always hugs me.

What I have noticed is that when your kids are young, it doesn't matter if you know the kid. If you do not also know the parent, you may need to enlist the help of the teacher to set up playdates and such. I volunteer in DD's classroom all the time, and by the end of this past year, I knew every kid in her class pretty well, but I only knew about half the parents. You have to make an effort, and you have to do it continually. My school has a history of higher SES white parents coming to school for a year or two and then trading up, and to put it bluntly, the rest of the community knows that and may not be interested in bothering to make friends with you because you're just gonna leave anyway. The only way to prove them wrong is to not do that, which was the choice we made.

The people who are saying that they don't feel they have things in common with their kids' friends' parents are certainly onto something, but I would imagine that most of you have experienced social interactions with people you share little with. How did you handle those experiences? If you're worried about what they think of you, remember that they are likely just as worried about being judged. Then remember that you are both the parents of kids, and start there. My two BFFs at Clara's school are young women whose lives couldn't be more different than mine. Was it awkward at first because we come from really different worlds? Yes, but it got less awkward the more we hung out. Now those two women are, hands down, the people I would call in the middle of the night with an emergency - probably over my higher SES friends.

About birthday parties: it's easier (for them) if you invite the whole family. My DD's BFF is one of 3, and all 3 have come to her birthday parties. If your child goes to a school where a lot of kids speak Spanish, get some help translating the invitation. Don't use Evite - send paper invitations home with kids and enlist the teacher's help with contact information if you need to track down RSVPs. This year, we did RSVP as "call or text English o Espanol to xxx-xxx-xxxx!" [/quote]

+1.  We do all of these things and at my kids' school to make sure everyone gets included that my kids want there.  First, we hunt the parents down at back to school night and introduce ourselves - "my little Larlo just loves your little Larlon. Can we get them together?"  I then follow through.  If I don't get a response, I speak to the kid directly and tell them how much my kid wants to play with them.  The first playdate takes place at a park, where I can meet the parent and hang out a bit.  Topic of conversation: parenting! My son is such a PITA - is yours?  How do you handle XYZ?  When it's  a birthday party, I make sure I evite, call, text, and talk to the teacher.  The teacher gets a list of the kids invited, and they help me contact the parents.  The party takes place right after school on a Friday.  I make arrangements to pick the kids up and take them to a park, where the parents can pick them up.  If the parents want to send XYZ sister or brother along, they are welcome with open arms (even if internally I'm counting the party favors).  When the parents show up to pick up the kids, I offer them pizza and drinks. I downplay presents and make it all about how exciting it is that the kids are there, because that's what it's about.

Some parents are more responsive than others, but I've made it work.  It takes a bit more effort, but if I offer to pick up the kids at a convenient time for them for a playdate, the parents generally are responsive.  I know that transportation and logistics can be super difficult when working a couple of jobs, so it's worth it to me to make the logistics less painful.  And, the parents reciprocate in other ways.  One of the moms picks up my kids and takes them along with her son by bus to soccer practice.  Another mom dropped off food TWICE when I was in the hospital.  So it works.

By the way, one cool thing that I've learned is that DC Stoddert has a "no questions asked" full scholarship for kids who want to play soccer.  That was a huge breakthrough for us this year - we helped a bunch of parents get their kids registered for the soccer team, and I've gotten a lot closer to them during the season.[/quote]

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