Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I have to agree with the pp. I'm an African American middle-class parent of a toddler. I'm comfortable in all settings. Yet I sometimes get the impression that some of the white families don't even try to strike up a conversation with me and my husband. My husband and I were just speaking about this the other day. Is there really such a cultural divide? I've traveled all over the world and think I have lots to say about many topics, but often find if I don't initiate the conversation it doesn't happen. Very interesting.

This is exactly what we experience sometimes. We are upper middle class, not wealthy. Our DC goes to a school with parents in the same bracket or higher, and it seems the men are the friendliest, not the wives.

Every time, we get an invitation, we reply and go if possible. Most of the time, I take our DC, not hubby b/c he works some Saturdays. Anyway, our DC brings a gift, and we stay the duration. Usually, we have a good time, but there are times when the white women just seem so aloof. It's strange to me b/c I'm warm, well-rounded and educated. I get along with the other parents, but again, it seems the men are just not racist or caught up in class. It's puzzling, really. My whole life I've been in diverse communities and schools. I have a BA and MA from two of the best schools in the country, and I'm down-to-earth, and so is my husband. We invite all of DC's friends to events and their parents, and most do come. Yet, I don't feel that we connect as much with the wealthier whites, and it has zero to do with not having anything in common.

I wonder if the OP is not aware of her own prejudices or perhaps preconceived notions. Maybe the other parents of lower SES feel it. Perhaps. I think people should just see humans as the same and not get do hung up on differences, no matter what they may be. Our events and lives will be more diverse and better in my humble opinion.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I have to agree with the pp. I'm an African American middle-class parent of a toddler. I'm comfortable in all settings. Yet I sometimes get the impression that some of the white families don't even try to strike up a conversation with me and my husband. My husband and I were just speaking about this the other day. Is there really such a cultural divide? I've traveled all over the world and think I have lots to say about many topics, but often find if I don't initiate the conversation it doesn't happen. Very interesting.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I have to agree with the pp. I'm an African American middle-class parent of a toddler. I'm comfortable in all settings. Yet I sometimes get the impression that some of the white families don't even try to strike up a conversation with me and my husband. My husband and I were just speaking about this the other day. Is there really such a cultural divide? I've traveled all over the world and think I have lots to say about many topics, but often find if I don't initiate the conversation it doesn't happen. Very interesting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is somewhat amusing. I particularly love the low income moms replies and agree with a lot of what she says (although we are not low income now, both DH and I grew up that way). I'm also curious as to how previous posters know what other people's SES is, or are people just assuming these families are low income? People assume all of the time that our family is low income, and quite frankly I believe it's because we are young minorities, and, outside of work, have a more "urban" way of dressing. In all other respects we're pretty DCUM average. What's funny is the moment I open my mouth, white/ high income individuals seem to be taken aback by the fact that I'm actually articulate. They're even more surprised when/if they ever make it to my house. Maybe people are not coming to your parties because of the deeper assumptions you are making about who they are; their level of income, language and other abilities.

I think you answered your own question. We are also a minority family (I'll say black or Latino), and I commented earlier in the thread that I'm sure people make assumptions about us too. My husband is typically dressed down at dropoff and pickup (hoodies, sweats, etc.) but is actually a physician with a pretty rarefied upbringing (elite boarding schools & universities). You wouldn't know at first glance, though.

But inquiring minds want to know: do you go to playdates and birthday parties at the white kids' houses? If not, why not?

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I have to agree with the pp. I'm an African American middle-class parent of a toddler. I'm comfortable in all settings. Yet I sometimes get the impression that some of the white families don't even try to strike up a conversation with me and my husband. My husband and I were just speaking about this the other day. Is there really such a cultural divide? I've traveled all over the world and think I have lots to say about many topics, but often find if I don't initiate the conversation it doesn't happen. Very interesting.

Anonymous wrote:We are going into year 3 of our Title 1 neighborhood school and have dealt with the birthday party issue for 3 years in a row (were at a different but similar demographic school for PK3). I posted about a year and a half ago about how to bridge language/cultural issues to get my DD's best friend to come to her birthday party. BFF is Latina and her mom doesn't speak English confidently. I got a lot of great advice here, and BFF came to the birthday party and it was wonderful. BFF came to birthday party this year too, and mom and I see each other in the neighborhood regularly and she always hugs me.

What I have noticed is that when your kids are young, it doesn't matter if you know the kid. If you do not also know the parent, you may need to enlist the help of the teacher to set up playdates and such. I volunteer in DD's classroom all the time, and by the end of this past year, I knew every kid in her class pretty well, but I only knew about half the parents. You have to make an effort, and you have to do it continually. My school has a history of higher SES white parents coming to school for a year or two and then trading up, and to put it bluntly, the rest of the community knows that and may not be interested in bothering to make friends with you because you're just gonna leave anyway. The only way to prove them wrong is to not do that, which was the choice we made.

The people who are saying that they don't feel they have things in common with their kids' friends' parents are certainly onto something, but I would imagine that most of you have experienced social interactions with people you share little with. How did you handle those experiences? If you're worried about what they think of you, remember that they are likely just as worried about being judged. Then remember that you are both the parents of kids, and start there. My two BFFs at Clara's school are young women whose lives couldn't be more different than mine. Was it awkward at first because we come from really different worlds? Yes, but it got less awkward the more we hung out. Now those two women are, hands down, the people I would call in the middle of the night with an emergency - probably over my higher SES friends.

About birthday parties: it's easier (for them) if you invite the whole family. My DD's BFF is one of 3, and all 3 have come to her birthday parties. If your child goes to a school where a lot of kids speak Spanish, get some help translating the invitation. Don't use Evite - send paper invitations home with kids and enlist the teacher's help with contact information if you need to track down RSVPs. This year, we did RSVP as "call or text English o Espanol to xxx-xxx-xxxx!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is somewhat amusing. I particularly love the low income moms replies and agree with a lot of what she says (although we are not low income now, both DH and I grew up that way). I'm also curious as to how previous posters know what other people's SES is, or are people just assuming these families are low income? People assume all of the time that our family is low income, and quite frankly I believe it's because we are young minorities, and, outside of work, have a more "urban" way of dressing. In all other respects we're pretty DCUM average. What's funny is the moment I open my mouth, white/ high income individuals seem to be taken aback by the fact that I'm actually articulate. They're even more surprised when/if they ever make it to my house. Maybe people are not coming to your parties because of the deeper assumptions you are making about who they are; their level of income, language and other abilities.

I think you answered your own question. We are also a minority family (I'll say black or Latino), and I commented earlier in the thread that I'm sure people make assumptions about us too. My husband is typically dressed down at dropoff and pickup (hoodies, sweats, etc.) but is actually a physician with a pretty rarefied upbringing (elite boarding schools & universities). You wouldn't know at first glance, though.

But inquiring minds want to know: do you go to playdates and birthday parties at the white kids' houses? If not, why not?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is somewhat amusing. I particularly love the low income moms replies and agree with a lot of what she says (although we are not low income now, both DH and I grew up that way). I'm also curious as to how previous posters know what other people's SES is, or are people just assuming these families are low income? People assume all of the time that our family is low income, and quite frankly I believe it's because we are young minorities, and, outside of work, have a more "urban" way of dressing. In all other respects we're pretty DCUM average. What's funny is the moment I open my mouth, white/ high income individuals seem to be taken aback by the fact that I'm actually articulate. They're even more surprised when/if they ever make it to my house. Maybe people are not coming to your parties because of the deeper assumptions you are making about who they are; their level of income, language and other abilities.

I think you answered your own question. We are also a minority family (I'll say black or Latino), and I commented earlier in the thread that I'm sure people make assumptions about us too. My husband is typically dressed down at dropoff and pickup (hoodies, sweats, etc.) but is actually a physician with a pretty rarefied upbringing (elite boarding schools & universities). You wouldn't know at first glance, though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is somewhat amusing. I particularly love the low income moms replies and agree with a lot of what she says (although we are not low income now, both DH and I grew up that way). I'm also curious as to how previous posters know what other people's SES is, or are people just assuming these families are low income? People assume all of the time that our family is low income, and quite frankly I believe it's because we are young minorities, and, outside of work, have a more "urban" way of dressing. In all other respects we're pretty DCUM average. What's funny is the moment I open my mouth, white/ high income individuals seem to be taken aback by the fact that I'm actually articulate. They're even more surprised when/if they ever make it to my house. Maybe people are not coming to your parties because of the deeper assumptions you are making about who they are; their level of income, language and other abilities.

I think you answered your own question. We are also a minority family (I'll say black or Latino), and I commented earlier in the thread that I'm sure people make assumptions about us too. My husband is typically dressed down at dropoff and pickup (hoodies, sweats, etc.) but is actually a physician with a pretty rarefied upbringing (elite boarding schools & universities). You wouldn't know at first glance, though.

Anonymous wrote:This thread is somewhat amusing. I particularly love the low income moms replies and agree with a lot of what she says (although we are not low income now, both DH and I grew up that way). I'm also curious as to how previous posters know what other people's SES is, or are people just assuming these families are low income? People assume all of the time that our family is low income, and quite frankly I believe it's because we are young minorities, and, outside of work, have a more "urban" way of dressing. In all other respects we're pretty DCUM average. What's funny is the moment I open my mouth, white/ high income individuals seem to be taken aback by the fact that I'm actually articulate. They're even more surprised when/if they ever make it to my house. Maybe people are not coming to your parties because of the deeper assumptions you are making about who they are; their level of income, language and other abilities.

Anonymous wrote:I'm low income and I just do not like people like you. We accept invitations from genuine, down to Earth people who don't consume themselves with why others don't want to "play" with them. We don't like the rabbit food, or the vegan cakes, or the chit chat about work (yes, we work too). We like to go to parties, not networking events that include children (that's what it feels like), or try to figure out what to do with the sibling of close age that is not welcome. Our parties are fun, loud, have plenty of real food and drinks, music is on, entire families are welcome, and no one feels judged for not bringing a gift. So as much as your little imagination would like to think that we are intimidated by your wealth, we are more turned off by your boring , food-less, only the child invited can come even though we think you're a single parent, bring a gift or else birthday parties. Go on and flame away, but it is what it is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm low income and I just do not like people like you. We accept invitations from genuine, down to Earth people who don't consume themselves with why others don't want to "play" with them. We don't like the rabbit food, or the vegan cakes, or the chit chat about work (yes, we work too). We like to go to parties, not networking events that include children (that's what it feels like), or try to figure out what to do with the sibling of close age that is not welcome. Our parties are fun, loud, have plenty of real food and drinks, music is on, entire families are welcome, and no one feels judged for not bringing a gift. So as much as your little imagination would like to think that we are intimidated by your wealth, we are more turned off by your boring , food-less, only the child invited can come even though we think you're a single parent, bring a gift or else birthday parties. Go on and flame away, but it is what it is.

Sorry, but if you can afford to throw a party with lots of food and drinks where entire families come, you are not what I consider "low income." Low income are the kids at our school who get food through blessings in a backpack for the weekend. Maybe you're not as affluent as the people you don't like who are inviting you to parties, which is a different matter entirely.

Yes, we are low income. That doesn't mean we don't know how to save and manage a budget. Besides that, in our world everyone brings something to the party. More than half of our monthly income goes to rent. We just know how to work with what we have. Maybe you're surprised to hear from someone like me on this forum, but now you know that we don't all experience being poor the same way. We bust our asses to make sure our kids have everything they need, even if that means we don't eat so they can. We are highly involved in their school, they are both well above grade level, and in the enrichment program. I don't really need to explain my life to you. I just hope you can see past what you think poor looks like because it's not one size fits all.

+1

Yes, there are some families who are severely impoverished and literally cannot by food. There are also tons of families - like mine growing up - that were pretty damned poor growing up and still managed to feed our guests at birthday parties by limiting our guest list to close friends, having it at our house, and making pasta salads and casseroles that cost $.10 a portion.