Reply to Husband unemployed and not applying for jobs. How to manage my feelings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I had an XH who was unemployed because he quit a job (not because he was fired.) He did not look for a replacement job. He sat around at home. I tried this poster's advice: he turned into the SAHD and took over laundry. HOWEVER, here's what you need to know if your marriage fails.

1) Your DH will get custody or a greatly enhanced preference in the courts for custody.
2) If you have been married more than 5 years, you may owe him alimony for "giving up his career to devote himself to the kids."
3) You will be ordered to pay child support to your DH because he will have no income and most of the custodial time.
4) Your efforts to provide for the family will be misconstrued by the judge and court as "putting your career first."

If you doubt what I am writing, you should consult privately with a divorce attorney and/or read the book WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DIVORCE.

So... proceed very carefully here. I wish I had insisted on sending kids to daycare (even though it would have been a financial hit) and documented his voluntary underemployed choices.[/quote]

OMG thank you so much. Sometimes I think that I will have to get a less flexible job because DH seems unable/unwilling to work. But, in truth, I picture myself moving back to where my family lives if I am going to do this. Now I realize that, of course, DH would be putting himself out there as the SAHD if I did that and left him. Good to clear up that little fantasy of self-sufficiency. [/quote]

If you can leave with the kids, I think you'd be OK. If you have to stay, then make sure kids are in daycare so he cannot set himself up as a SAHD.

Document all your efforts to encourage career counseling, to send him jobs to apply to, the fact that the kids are in daycare so that his career can continue, etc.

If you have to keep working, make sure you do everything you can to set yourself up as available for the kids. Resist the temptation to think "he's doing nothing, he can take them to the doctor." Try to think much more creatively, so that it's clear you're available and present for the kids. I'd do things like document a request for a flex day, so you can get kids to the doctor and then work afternoon and evening; I'd do things like bake their classroom cupcakes with them and photograph; etc.

In other words, basically it's a horrible thing but you have act like you're a single mom now, so that you would be able to retain custody. [/quote]

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