Reply to Husband unemployed and not applying for jobs. How to manage my feelings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Argh! Do you have kids?

If he wants to be a SAHD, fine, draw up a list of responsibilities and hand them to him.

I'll help get you started:

Laundry
Dishes
Home cooked meal every week day
Yard work
Bills
House maintenance/home improvement
Christmas/Birthday/Holiday shopping and gift-buying
Bathrooms!!!

[/quote]

I was this poster 5 years ago. I had an XH who was unemployed because he quit a job (not because he was fired.) He did not look for a replacement job. He sat around at home. I tried this poster's advice: he turned into the SAHD and took over laundry. HOWEVER, here's what you need to know if your marriage fails.

1) Your DH will get custody or a greatly enhanced preference in the courts for custody.
2) If you have been married more than 5 years, you may owe him alimony for "giving up his career to devote himself to the kids."
3) You will be ordered to pay child support to your DH because he will have no income and most of the custodial time.
4) Your efforts to provide for the family will be misconstrued by the judge and court as "putting your career first."

If you doubt what I am writing, you should consult privately with a divorce attorney and/or read the book WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DIVORCE.

So... proceed very carefully here. I wish I had insisted on sending kids to daycare (even though it would have been a financial hit) and documented his voluntary underemployed choices.[/quote]

OMG thank you so much. Sometimes I think that I will have to get a less flexible job because DH seems unable/unwilling to work. But, in truth, I picture myself moving back to where my family lives if I am going to do this. Now I realize that, of course, DH would be putting himself out there as the SAHD if I did that and left him. Good to clear up that little fantasy of self-sufficiency. [/quote]

I was in this situation, though it was my wife who was unemployed and depressed and did nothing. I basically kept the kids in daycare (eventually aftercare at school) and operated as a single parent. For two years. I also documented in emails my attempts to encourage my wife to work. She also made it clear she did not want to be home full time with the kids. There were emails about that as well. I tried to support my wife, but she was mired in depression, refused therapy, refused to make changes and was sort of this albatross. She would sleep all day, stay up all night frittering away and then rinse repeat. It was horrible.

Long story short, we divorced because I gave up trying to get her help and she tried to play into the I am the default parent, SAHM, gave up my career tactic. It backfired massively. The guardian ad litem and the court saw through this completely. I have sole physical custody (they spend a few weeks in the summer with her). I also didn't have to pay alimony since she impoverished herself. She sends a bit in child support, but still doesn't work (left DC and moved back in with her parents). The day the divorce decree was signed was the best damn day in my life.

OP, if you divorce, be smart. Line up your ducks. Don't let your emotions get into it.[/quote]

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