Reply to Should I tell his wife that he's cheating?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't know if it's a crisis of conscience as much as [b]I suddenly realized he'd been lying to me[/b]. I was reading here actually a post where a woman said her husband had told his OW they never had sex when in fact they were having sex 3 to 5 times a week.

That made me think about him and[b] I started to realize he could have been lying to me about sexlessness in order to sleep with me. I thought she didn't like sex so in my mind - I know it's twisted - but I felt like I wasn't doing something very wrong to her[/b] if I was just doing something with him that she didn't want to do anyway.

But[b] I've caught him in lies before[/b], I know he lies a lot, and that post just made me think about the times he's talked about their sex life and how he could have been following my lead in what to say. [/quote]

You didn't "suddenly realize he'd been lying" to you.  Because you "caught him in lies before."  You just wanted to believe he wasn't lying about THIS, i.e. that he was probably sleeping with his wife AND that what you were doing wasn't right or justified in anyway (not that any kind of infidelity can be justified -- if his wife wasn't sleeping with him, he had a duty to work on that situation or ask for a divorce, not cheat on her.)

Here's the thing OP, you've been lying to yourself.  You can be mad at your AP, but his lies couldn't have carried him so far if you hadn't also been willing to lie to yourself.  He lied to you by saying sex with his wife was nonexistent, but you lied to yourself when you believed such an unlikely thing and when you told yourself that it meant that sleeping with him was not wrong.

You also lied to yourself when you knew that he was lying about many other things, but you insisted on believing that he wasn't sleeping with his wife.

You really have to take responsibility for your own willingness to live in the land of self-delusion.  It might feel better to be mad at him for lying, but you've not done much different.   In a way, you can say that you've done something far more crippling -- you've lied to yourself. [/quote]

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