Reply to what happens to my brother when my parents die?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I agree w/ much of what 17:51 said.

FWIW, I believe that you are quite limited in what you can do - given everything you have described.  I have a sufficiently screwed up family myself that helps me totally empathize with your situation.

So my advice is to [b]save yourself[/b].  Accept that you cannot force any of these adults to do what you think should seem obvious.  Accept that given two parents and your brother who are all completely against everything you suggest, you actually can't do anything except make yourself miserable.  And then let yourself off the hook.

For right now your brother is safe and cared for.  At some point in the future that won't be the case, but you don't know how soon (or not) that will happen, and you don't know exactly what that will look like.  (Your mother could outlive your father by 10 or 20 years and keep up the dynamics w/ your brother that whole time.  Your brother could spiral in some way that triggers something that changes the situation.  Etc...)

Let it go as much as possible.  Go find someone you can talk with about how YOU can survive your family reality, and how you can avoid losing yourself or your depriving your own nuclear family of what they deserve, in this process.

You can also (with your husband) prepare for your worst case scenario = whatever that is.  Have a plan in place that you can activate if that scenario happens, and then put it aside until it's needed.  Maybe that's a list of critical phone numbers and agencies to call as soon as your parents die, maybe it's a little stash of savings to keep your brother in his home until or if you can make other arrangements, maybe it's just a good supportive therapist for you with whom you build a relationship now so you can seek support there anytime you need it.

And go live your life.  Don't run the risk of still being agonized or stressed about all of this 5 or 10 years from now, only to discover that nothing has changed and you wasted time and energy that could have been far better spent on people you can help and things you can enjoy.

Hang in there.  Don't become a martyr to your parent' or brother's cause.[/quote]This is excellent advice, OP.  It sounds to me as if you have tried very hard to help your brother and your parents and your brother won't let you.  It's time to accept that they are rejecting your help and take care of yourself.[/quote]

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