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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]"I am hoping to get some advice from people in the lower libido category. How can I express to my DW that I don't want to have sex with her without making her feel like she is a bad wife? That I understand she is who she is and it is preferable to masturbate than have sex with her (even typing that sounds cold)."

Cold question, OP.  Do you believe this or are you just telling yourself this?  It's a sincere question and I wonder if you really know the answer.  I'm not trying to fuck with you, but the answers will point you in different directions, IMO. [/quote]

That is a fair question, especially since some people come to DCUM to vent (fair enough) or seek validation for their opinions.

I am being very sincere here.  I need to see this from her perspective.  Our marriage is starting to hit the tipping point where I could see this hitting a death spiral and the lack of sex becoming the fall of our marriage.  On the surface, we are a good couple, fun, friendly, seemingly happy, probably that couple that would surprise people if we announced our divorce.  But years of mismatched libido is becoming a poison.  Which is such a shame because we could be such a great team if we could figure this out.

I have been through the resentment.  I have been through the patience - wait until she stops breastfeeding, or kids are sleeping through the night, out of diapers.  Some women's libidos magically reappear at age 40 (it both warms my heart and crushes me to hear this as someone commented upthread).    I have had so many candid conversations with my wife on this, and she professes her deep love, says she can't imagine life without me, that she finds me attractive, please don't divorce me she says, I will work on it, etc, etc.

So my question is very sincere for two reasons:

1) I need to see this from her perspective so I can understand how she is perceiving things and empathize with her.  Because from my perspective, all she needs to do is get in the mood a couple times per week (or tell me what I can do to get her in the mood) and she will be rewarded with the most loving, devoted husband she could wish for.  I can't fathom why she wouldn't want this.  Or why she would risk divorce over complacency.  These aren't rhetorical statements, I really want to know what she could be thinking.

2)  Since sex (and the disparity in libido) is poisoning our marriage, I want to find a constructive way to lift this black cloud.  So that is why I want to be able to tell her - don't worry about having sex with me anymore, or not for a while.  I don't want to be placated.  I don't want to be some mercy case.  I am so sick of dwelling on it, I am sick of it being an issue of tension, I am sick of trying to remove obstacles to her libido with no success.  So really, truly, desperately, I want to find some way to get back to enjoying the aspects of my marriage that do work, the friendship, the parenting, the economic goals, taking care of each other, while accepting the fact that the sexual aspect of our marriage is probably not going to come back.  As much as I am extremely heartbroken that I am in this situation, the alternative of cheating or divorce aren't appealing to me, not with my kids at this age.

Sorry for the long response - tl;dr - I am serious and extremely appreciative of those who have responded. [/quote]

I love learning new terminology.  I thought tl;dr was a typo until I googled it?!  DCUM FTW :thumbup:

Basically, I think you two need to just suck it up and go to counseling.  What's the worst case scenario?  What's the probability that the worst case will actually happen?  What are you afraid of?  Divorce, continued sexual frustration, more resentment?

I agree with the poster who wrote that she might not know how to get in the mood and doesn't know what to tell you.  What I can't understand is her inability to fake it a little if she in fact wants that quickie.  It sounds like you don't get it either.  Could you ask her to help you understand her?  (Also, what might be preventing her from giving you the masturbating assist that yet another poster recommended?)

I also agree with the former poster that she doesn't fully realize/appreciate the urgency.  Or she does (because she asks you not to divorce her), but shes paralyzed by fear.  and/or she doesn't know how to work on it?  Or is kind of lazy about prioritizing it (seeing if she can work with her low libido and attitude to better meet you in the middle) once she goes into busy mom/wife/caretaker (asexual) mode.  Like she gets the urgency, but lacks the ability (cognitively to focus on herself/your sex life).

I understand that your situation feels hopeless and frustrating.  But, you are kind of all over the map.

You've accepted that she's low libido and you can just masturbate on your own, on the one hand.  OTOH, you haven't accepted the discrepancy and it's "poisoning the marriage"

If the following is true, can't you just explain this to her in a meaningful, even romantic and understanding way....  (also with jewelry or expensive bubbly to symbolize a mature, healing/restorative phase):

I want to find a constructive way to lift this black cloud. So that is why I want to be able to tell her - don't worry about having sex with me anymore, or not for a while. I don't want to be placated. I don't want to be some mercy case. I am so sick of dwelling on it, I am sick of it being an issue of tension, I am sick of trying to remove obstacles to her libido with no success. So really, truly, desperately, I want to find some way to get back to enjoying the aspects of my marriage that do work, the friendship, the parenting, the economic goals, taking care of each other, while accepting the fact that the sexual aspect of our marriage is probably not going to come back.

"honey, I'm not divorcing you now or in the future.  Please don't fear this.  I love you as much as you love me, maybe even more.  I might suck at communicating it, but I really do.  Honestly, I do miss the sex we had before the kid/s came along, but I'm much happier now with the kids and us as a family unit.  I apologize for being immature at times - unable to understand and/or accept your altered libido.  I also apologize for not knowing how to go the quickie route w/out feeling abusive/selfish.  I appreciate that you were trying to express your love and meet me in the middle of our discrepant libidos.  I need a break from us trying so hard or overthinking/overtalking our sex life.  [b]I really, truly, desperately want to find a way to get back to enjoying the aspects of our marriage that work so well[/b]: our friendship, parenting, our vacation/retirement goals, and most importantly, taking care of each other.  I'd like to be affectionate and I want us to kiss and hug and cuddle and give foot rubs and back rubs, but let's not feel pressured to have sex when it might feel forced.  If you are in the mood, though, please let me know and I'd be happy to have sex.  I just don't want to pressure you to be artificial or....

Best of luck! [/quote]

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