Reply to Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]"I am hoping to get some advice from people in the lower libido category. How can I express to my DW that I don't want to have sex with her without making her feel like she is a bad wife? That I understand she is who she is and it is preferable to masturbate than have sex with her (even typing that sounds cold)."

Cold question, OP.  Do you believe this or are you just telling yourself this?  It's a sincere question and I wonder if you really know the answer.  I'm not trying to fuck with you, but the answers will point you in different directions, IMO. [/quote]

That is a fair question, especially since some people come to DCUM to vent (fair enough) or seek validation for their opinions.

I am being very sincere here.  I need to see this from her perspective.  Our marriage is starting to hit the tipping point where I could see this hitting a death spiral and the lack of sex becoming the fall of our marriage.  On the surface, we are a good couple, fun, friendly, seemingly happy, probably that couple that would surprise people if we announced our divorce.  But years of mismatched libido is becoming a poison.  Which is such a shame because we could be such a great team if we could figure this out.

I have been through the resentment.  I have been through the patience - wait until she stops breastfeeding, or kids are sleeping through the night, out of diapers.  Some women's libidos magically reappear at age 40 (it both warms my heart and crushes me to hear this as someone commented upthread).    I have had so many candid conversations with my wife on this, and she professes her deep love, says she can't imagine life without me, that she finds me attractive, please don't divorce me she says, I will work on it, etc, etc.

So my question is very sincere for two reasons:

1) I need to see this from her perspective so I can understand how she is perceiving things and empathize with her.  Because from my perspective, all she needs to do is get in the mood a couple times per week (or tell me what I can do to get her in the mood) and she will be rewarded with the most loving, devoted husband she could wish for.  I can't fathom why she wouldn't want this.  Or why she would risk divorce over complacency.  These aren't rhetorical statements, I really want to know what she could be thinking.

2)  Since sex (and the disparity in libido) is poisoning our marriage, I want to find a constructive way to lift this black cloud.  So that is why I want to be able to tell her - don't worry about having sex with me anymore, or not for a while.  I don't want to be placated.  I don't want to be some mercy case.  I am so sick of dwelling on it, I am sick of it being an issue of tension, I am sick of trying to remove obstacles to her libido with no success.  So really, truly, desperately, I want to find some way to get back to enjoying the aspects of my marriage that do work, the friendship, the parenting, the economic goals, taking care of each other, while accepting the fact that the sexual aspect of our marriage is probably not going to come back.  As much as I am extremely heartbroken that I am in this situation, the alternative of cheating or divorce aren't appealing to me, not with my kids at this age.

Sorry for the long response - tl;dr - I am serious and extremely appreciative of those who have responded. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics