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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, increase your life insurance.  And increase your general savings rate right now so that the money will be there when things get really bad.

I don't think you owe them much, in theory, but in practical terms it may be easier to help them out.  It's not worth losing your marriage or your kids' relationship with their grandparents, is it?  So I think you need to face facts that at some point, you will be paying.  Hold out as long as you can so that there will be money when they are older and truly unable to work.

What does your DH say when you bring this up with him?[/quote]
OP here - thank you for the practical advice.  How would increasing my life insurance help?  (Not arguing - that is a sincere question.)  I have not brought this up because I am still too upset.  I am just being supportive of DH during his father's health crisis.  I think DH doesn't know how to ask me for money for them because I literally predicted all of this years ago. It took time to convince him that his parents were heading towards a bad end and he was very hostile to me on the topic before he finally came around and approached them with advice.  They refused to listen and scapegoated me as the money-hungry wife who didn't want them to have a good time so that DH could inherit their savings (even though I never said anything to them about their lifestyle).  Both DH and his parents have no leg to stand on if I say "told you so" and keep my money for my kids.  DH also knows how they have treated me unfairly at times.  Is this worth losing my marriage over?  I love DH so much, but I wonder if he is worth keeping if he would mortgage our kids' future for his parents.  This might be a matter of where loyalties lie.[/quote]

OP, don't torpedo your marriage over a question DH hasn't even asked!  He might never ask.  He might come around and see it your way.  After all, he married you for a reason, and he has seen the benefits of your financial wisdom.

Also, you don't know how long your in-laws will live.  They may be able to get by for as long as it takes.  So don't sacrifice your marriage for a problem that might never actually happen.

Realistically, do some research into the kinds of nursing homes people end up in when they are truly destitute.  It's pretty awful-- and not a very high level of services so the family members have to do a lot too.  Would you really, truly be able to have your in-laws be there, and take your children to visit, and feel good about it?  I know you have been treated unfairly and the whole situation is totally unfair to you and your children, but realistically you might not be capable of truly cutting them off.

Here is my advice: first, recognize that this is causing you a lot of totally understandable frustration and anxiety.  I get it.  I would feel the same way.  But you need to calm down a little before you can really have a conversation with your DH.  Second, have that conversation with your DH and figure out what you are willing to pay for and what you are not.  (I would suggest paying for as little as possible until they are truly incapable of supporting themselves.)  Third, start setting aside money for the day when you do have to pay for a life-threatening emergency or nursing home care.  Agree with your DH on fixed amount such as $200 a month, and cut back something else that your DH cares about to make that possible.  Then when they are truly needy, it comes out of that account.  That should give you a buffer between them and your real savings accounts.[/quote]

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