Don't help them, and don't feel guilty about not doing so. Easier said than done, I know.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in kind of a similar situation right now... only it is my DH who is a self-made immigrant pulling in most of the HHI, and my parents who have gotten themselves in trouble.

My parents are divorced, and my mom messed up and lost her job a few months ago (and lied about it) and asked to move in with us because she "misses us so much." BS. She has made bad decision after bad decision. I don't judge people for making mistakes - everyone does, but some people are hell-bent on NOT learning from those mistakes, and will never change. I told mom no. We are genuinely not in a position to help - I am still looking for a job, DH is in the early years of a new career, and we are trying to save a down payment - not interested in renting a bigger/more expensive place so that my freeloading mom can move in. Easy to justify for us, since I'm not working and DH's parents are much poorer due to life-altering illness (he sends them money every now and then)

You do what's best for you and your children, OP. Let your DH get a second job if he wants so much to support his parents. If they have to live in a studio apt and apply for welfare, let them. And there is NO WAY you or DH should be on the hook for his siblings, assuming they are able bodied adults.

I'm sorry. But I would never say no to my mother. Never. No matter how hard it would be to allow her to live with me and my family., no matter how difficult she is or how bad of a mother she has been (and my mother has not been a good mom at all, frankly-but still I would never refuse a request to live with me.)

This is a bell that can't be unrung. I also cannot imagine the pain I would feel at being turned away by my daughter like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, increase your life insurance. And increase your general savings rate right now so that the money will be there when things get really bad.

I don't think you owe them much, in theory, but in practical terms it may be easier to help them out. It's not worth losing your marriage or your kids' relationship with their grandparents, is it? So I think you need to face facts that at some point, you will be paying. Hold out as long as you can so that there will be money when they are older and truly unable to work.

What does your DH say when you bring this up with him?

OP here - thank you for the practical advice. How would increasing my life insurance help? (Not arguing - that is a sincere question.) I have not brought this up because I am still too upset. I am just being supportive of DH during his father's health crisis. I think DH doesn't know how to ask me for money for them because I literally predicted all of this years ago. It took time to convince him that his parents were heading towards a bad end and he was very hostile to me on the topic before he finally came around and approached them with advice. They refused to listen and scapegoated me as the money-hungry wife who didn't want them to have a good time so that DH could inherit their savings (even though I never said anything to them about their lifestyle). Both DH and his parents have no leg to stand on if I say "told you so" and keep my money for my kids. DH also knows how they have treated me unfairly at times. Is this worth losing my marriage over? I love DH so much, but I wonder if he is worth keeping if he would mortgage our kids' future for his parents. This might be a matter of where loyalties lie.

OP, don't torpedo your marriage over a question DH hasn't even asked! He might never ask. He might come around and see it your way. After all, he married you for a reason, and he has seen the benefits of your financial wisdom.

Also, you don't know how long your in-laws will live. They may be able to get by for as long as it takes. So don't sacrifice your marriage for a problem that might never actually happen.

Realistically, do some research into the kinds of nursing homes people end up in when they are truly destitute. It's pretty awful-- and not a very high level of services so the family members have to do a lot too. Would you really, truly be able to have your in-laws be there, and take your children to visit, and feel good about it? I know you have been treated unfairly and the whole situation is totally unfair to you and your children, but realistically you might not be capable of truly cutting them off.

Here is my advice: first, recognize that this is causing you a lot of totally understandable frustration and anxiety. I get it. I would feel the same way. But you need to calm down a little before you can really have a conversation with your DH. Second, have that conversation with your DH and figure out what you are willing to pay for and what you are not. (I would suggest paying for as little as possible until they are truly incapable of supporting themselves.) Third, start setting aside money for the day when you do have to pay for a life-threatening emergency or nursing home care. Agree with your DH on fixed amount such as $200 a month, and cut back something else that your DH cares about to make that possible. Then when they are truly needy, it comes out of that account. That should give you a buffer between them and your real savings accounts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Without reading any of the responses, and just the OP. My 1st thought is to show this very post to DH. I know its embarassing to admit that you post on here and that you are asking internet strangers for advice but I think if you let him see this in writing, very clearly, you will have a good place to start a productive discussion.

I think it also will help you to try to let some of your feelings about your own sacrifice and struggle not be conflated with your inlaws issues. Its hard because it shapes your perspective obviously, but at that same time it won't help you figure out what to do and how to talk to your DH about it. Even if you decide to not give a penny, its best to try to keep those feelings separate if at all possible.

Disagree. It is her hard struggle and self sacrifice that has enabled her to have strong, practical goals and to avoid financial dysfunction.

OP here. Without my self sacrifice, none of the money that they are looking to would exist. So, I agree that my careful decisions are certainly relevant.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you can afford to help them, if you are saving up for a house and rent right now.

+1 You are renting and have young children. You are under no obligation to support adults even if they are family. They can go on welfare or whatever. Let them lie in the bed they made bc that is what adults do.

Anonymous wrote:Without reading any of the responses, and just the OP. My 1st thought is to show this very post to DH. I know its embarassing to admit that you post on here and that you are asking internet strangers for advice but I think if you let him see this in writing, very clearly, you will have a good place to start a productive discussion.

I think it also will help you to try to let some of your feelings about your own sacrifice and struggle not be conflated with your inlaws issues. Its hard because it shapes your perspective obviously, but at that same time it won't help you figure out what to do and how to talk to your DH about it. Even if you decide to not give a penny, its best to try to keep those feelings separate if at all possible.

Disagree. It is her hard struggle and self sacrifice that has enabled her to have strong, practical goals and to avoid financial dysfunction.

OP, I am in kind of a similar situation right now... only it is my DH who is a self-made immigrant pulling in most of the HHI, and my parents who have gotten themselves in trouble.

My parents are divorced, and my mom messed up and lost her job a few months ago (and lied about it) and asked to move in with us because she "misses us so much." BS. She has made bad decision after bad decision. I don't judge people for making mistakes - everyone does, but some people are hell-bent on NOT learning from those mistakes, and will never change. I told mom no. We are genuinely not in a position to help - I am still looking for a job, DH is in the early years of a new career, and we are trying to save a down payment - not interested in renting a bigger/more expensive place so that my freeloading mom can move in. Easy to justify for us, since I'm not working and DH's parents are much poorer due to life-altering illness (he sends them money every now and then)

You do what's best for you and your children, OP. Let your DH get a second job if he wants so much to support his parents. If they have to live in a studio apt and apply for welfare, let them. And there is NO WAY you or DH should be on the hook for his siblings, assuming they are able bodied adults.

Without reading any of the responses, and just the OP. My 1st thought is to show this very post to DH. I know its embarassing to admit that you post on here and that you are asking internet strangers for advice but I think if you let him see this in writing, very clearly, you will have a good place to start a productive discussion.

I think it also will help you to try to let some of your feelings about your own sacrifice and struggle not be conflated with your inlaws issues. Its hard because it shapes your perspective obviously, but at that same time it won't help you figure out what to do and how to talk to your DH about it. Even if you decide to not give a penny, its best to try to keep those feelings separate if at all possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, increase your life insurance. And increase your general savings rate right now so that the money will be there when things get really bad.

I don't think you owe them much, in theory, but in practical terms it may be easier to help them out. It's not worth losing your marriage or your kids' relationship with their grandparents, is it? So I think you need to face facts that at some point, you will be paying. Hold out as long as you can so that there will be money when they are older and truly unable to work.

What does your DH say when you bring this up with him?

OP here - thank you for the practical advice. How would increasing my life insurance help? (Not arguing - that is a sincere question.) I have not brought this up because I am still too upset. I am just being supportive of DH during his father's health crisis. I think DH doesn't know how to ask me for money for them because I literally predicted all of this years ago. It took time to convince him that his parents were heading towards a bad end and he was very hostile to me on the topic before he finally came around and approached them with advice. They refused to listen and scapegoated me as the money-hungry wife who didn't want them to have a good time so that DH could inherit their savings (even though I never said anything to them about their lifestyle). Both DH and his parents have no leg to stand on if I say "told you so" and keep my money for my kids. DH also knows how they have treated me unfairly at times. Is this worth losing my marriage over? I love DH so much, but I wonder if he is worth keeping if he would mortgage our kids' future for his parents. This might be a matter of where loyalties lie.

First of all, do you and your husband have totally separate finances? If not, why is it "my money" and not "our money"? Second, who is asking you to "mortgage your kids' future?" Your husband hasn't even asked, and you alre already judging him for putting his parents over his kids. Third, what example do you want to set for your kids? Do you want them to cut you off totally because you made choices they didn't agree with? Or do you want them to find a way to be compassionate but responsible? I'm sure there are ways you can help his parents, if it comes to that, in ways that don't threaten your family's financial well-being. They are his parents--if he didn't care about them, that would not speak well of his character. Given your ongoing issues around money and his family, I strongly recommend a counselor and financial advisor who can help you work through these issues in a constructive way. Don't feel like you are supposed to just shovel money at them--I would definitely agree with (1) helping them research other forms of financial assistance, and (2) making your contribution, if any, directly paying an essential bill rather than an allowance--but remember that they are your husband's parents and he loves them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, increase your life insurance. And increase your general savings rate right now so that the money will be there when things get really bad.

I don't think you owe them much, in theory, but in practical terms it may be easier to help them out. It's not worth losing your marriage or your kids' relationship with their grandparents, is it? So I think you need to face facts that at some point, you will be paying. Hold out as long as you can so that there will be money when they are older and truly unable to work.

What does your DH say when you bring this up with him?

OP here - thank you for the practical advice. How would increasing my life insurance help? (Not arguing - that is a sincere question.) I have not brought this up because I am still too upset. I am just being supportive of DH during his father's health crisis. I think DH doesn't know how to ask me for money for them because I literally predicted all of this years ago. It took time to convince him that his parents were heading towards a bad end and he was very hostile to me on the topic before he finally came around and approached them with advice. They refused to listen and scapegoated me as the money-hungry wife who didn't want them to have a good time so that DH could inherit their savings (even though I never said anything to them about their lifestyle). Both DH and his parents have no leg to stand on if I say "told you so" and keep my money for my kids. DH also knows how they have treated me unfairly at times. Is this worth losing my marriage over? I love DH so much, but I wonder if he is worth keeping if he would mortgage our kids' future for his parents. This might be a matter of where loyalties lie.

Because then if you died, DH would have enough to help his parents as well as help your kids. Realistically, he will not say no to them if you are not there-- he will need them to help him with the kids, so he will be much less inclined to alienate them. So definitely increase your life insurance a lot.

It is NOT worth losing your marriage over this. Divorce and operating two households will cost you as much as your in-laws can consume. And it's not worth it for your kids. Having divorced parents sucks, a lot, long into adulthood and especially when they are elderly. (Can you imagine if your in-laws were divorced and trying to pay for two homes?) Knowing what I know about even an amicable divorce, I would happily have given up my college fund in exchange for an intact family. Yes, it is about loyalties, but at least he wants to spend money on his parents, not on gambling or drugs or something.

Your marriage concerns are quite valid, OP. Some marriages dissolve over money issues, especially when having to fund their relatives' irresponsible lifestyles.

Since you are the breadwinner, you need to protect yourself and kids first if your DH is not on the same page. You can support your husband emotionally without enabling the financial dysfunction.

Hopefully, your DH will not pressure you to provide financial support for his parents. And another thing to keep in mind is that since you plan to buy a house, don't be surprised if your in laws will want to move in as a solution.

Your DH should assist his own parents in applying for government help as well as helping his mother find full time work. Your DH needs to handle this and not put it on you.

And I don't think your salary matters. People are so quick to ask about salary. Salary minus expenses is what counts.

Anonymous wrote:OP, how much do you make? Are you making in excess of $250K per year? I know you say you bring in the majority of the money, but your salary could be $60K.

OP here. I do make in excess of 250k. I work my ass off for every penny, but have not yet seen the lifestyle benefit because I have been paying debt and had to do a lot of things that parents normally do for kids. My sole splurge is that I travel to Hong Kong and Singapore every few months to see my cousins (the only real extended family I have).

Give in other ways besides money. Help them research disability, medicare, SS and other gov't assistance. Sign them up as much as possible for these things. If you are helping them, it needs to be clear you have a say in how they run their finances. Don't just funnel money to them. So that might mean they need to move to a small apt and sell their house. Your MIL might need to work more hours, things like that. Any money you give has strings attached and make that clear. Offer to pay for them to visit a financial counselor (with you there, of course) to work out a new budget and ways they needs to change.

They might find you so nosy and annoying they refuse your help.

You and your DH need to be on the same page about this. I've constantly told my DH we will not support his sister (who is a MESS) when she comes to us. I know she will, it's only a matter of time, and I will not do it. He knows this, I say it any time something with money comes up with her now. His parents bail her out all the time now and once they are gone, I do not plan on filling that role. My one gift would be to pay for a financial counselor.

Start squirreling away some of your income and keep it separate from your joint finances. Is your DH aware that you are NOT comfortable with supporting his parents when the time comes?

Anonymous wrote:OP, increase your life insurance. And increase your general savings rate right now so that the money will be there when things get really bad.

I don't think you owe them much, in theory, but in practical terms it may be easier to help them out. It's not worth losing your marriage or your kids' relationship with their grandparents, is it? So I think you need to face facts that at some point, you will be paying. Hold out as long as you can so that there will be money when they are older and truly unable to work.

What does your DH say when you bring this up with him?

OP here - thank you for the practical advice. How would increasing my life insurance help? (Not arguing - that is a sincere question.) I have not brought this up because I am still too upset. I am just being supportive of DH during his father's health crisis. I think DH doesn't know how to ask me for money for them because I literally predicted all of this years ago. It took time to convince him that his parents were heading towards a bad end and he was very hostile to me on the topic before he finally came around and approached them with advice. They refused to listen and scapegoated me as the money-hungry wife who didn't want them to have a good time so that DH could inherit their savings (even though I never said anything to them about their lifestyle). Both DH and his parents have no leg to stand on if I say "told you so" and keep my money for my kids. DH also knows how they have treated me unfairly at times. Is this worth losing my marriage over? I love DH so much, but I wonder if he is worth keeping if he would mortgage our kids' future for his parents. This might be a matter of where loyalties lie.