Reply to Argument with DH...left me in the car

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We are both on our early 30s, and no we don't have children. Everything has been great since a week ago, things just haven't been going right in our individual lives and we've been snapping at each other. My DH is usually the one that likes to talk things out after an argument, while I like to go out for a walk and cool things off a bit, which is probably what he wanted to do. We've had little fights before, but nothing like this where he ran off. It would have been nice if he just parked the car in a safe place and said he wanted to cool down or picked up his phone and explained it to me.  I panicked when he just left without warning, and I wanted to make  sure he was ok.

I gave him some space this weekend. He talked to me a little bit on his own. [/quote]

Okay, OP. As a part-time counselor, here is my read on the situation.

I partially agree with the PP who thinks that your husband is flipping out a little at BEING MARRIED and no longer being FREE. I think he will probably get over that, because you said that otherwise, things have been good. I think that the baseline issue is that you guys do not do well under pressure. Him working a ton is stressful for both of you. Is that a permanent condition or is it likely to ease up soon? If it's a permanent condition, you will both need to get right with that and figure out routines that work for you given those parameters. If it is temporary, you keep reminding yourselves that it's temporary. Maybe plan something fun to do together at the end of the tunnel so you have something to look forward to. Try not to nag/whine/mope about his hours, whether they're permanently crazy like this or temporarily so. That behavior will not change his behavior, will not make you feel better,  and will likely make him respond even more poorly to the pressure. You are also experiencing stress after a car accident. Make sure that you are getting the appropriate follow up medical care - emotional too, because even if it was a very minor accident, you may be experiencing some residual distress.

In counseling, I would suggest that your focus areas be stress management and communication. Learn the ways that you both cope, figure out which strategies are good ones and which strategies are less good. Learn the best way to communicate with each other - how, when, where, etc. For you, I would concentrate on "I" messages. "When you told me that you thought that woman was attractive, I felt _____", "This week I have felt _____ when we have been short tempered with each other." That sort of thing. Try not to be accusatory "You always/you never" are things that you should never say to anyone, particularly a spouse (irony alert!).

For what it's worth, I have been married twice and in both marriages, these were things that we had to learn, despite being together for some time before marrying. It is always a work in progress, so please don't feel like your relationship is permanently damaged.[/quote]

Thanks for this helpful post. I mainly wrote this post to get a different perspective. I probably didn't handle it right but I didn't have time to think my actions through...my husband just left me in the car without saying a word. It was dark, I couldn't see where he went, and the light turned green. My gut response was to get in the driver's side and drive the car around to find him.i don't know what's so dramatic about that.

I don't think he's so much missing his freedom...minus this incident, it's been really nice between us. Same deal when we were engaged. For the most part, it's been quiet. He hasn't been wthdrawn. I admit communication is  something we're both learning to be better at, but we both admitted this in the car. He said he didn't want to blow up in my face so he had to leave. He told me he thought the story was funny and wanted to share it with me but was surprised by my reaction. I told him it hurt my feelings when he said that. He said he feels like things haven't been been great in a while. I agreed but said I've been short with him because I've been feeling stressed and he said he's feeling stressed from work and admitted to being short as well.  He wanted to enjoy the night and take me out to dinner like I deserved to be taken out. I apologized just to make things better and told him I would give him his space. Maybe I do need a breather.

Since then, he's been nice and he's reached out to me in little ways. I'm fine with giving him his space and making up, but I'm still confused by him just getting up and leaving like that. I just don't want him to do it again when he's upset. I don't know how to handle it. I felt much better after talking it out. [/quote]

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