Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 11:44     Subject: Re:Argument with DH...left me in the car
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We are both on our early 30s, and no we don't have children. Everything has been great since a week ago, things just haven't been going right in our individual lives and we've been snapping at each other. My DH is usually the one that likes to talk things out after an argument, while I like to go out for a walk and cool things off a bit, which is probably what he wanted to do. We've had little fights before, but nothing like this where he ran off. It would have been nice if he just parked the car in a safe place and said he wanted to cool down or picked up his phone and explained it to me. I panicked when he just left without warning, and I wanted to make sure he was ok.

I gave him some space this weekend. He talked to me a little bit on his own.


Okay, OP. As a part-time counselor, here is my read on the situation.

I partially agree with the PP who thinks that your husband is flipping out a little at BEING MARRIED and no longer being FREE. I think he will probably get over that, because you said that otherwise, things have been good. I think that the baseline issue is that you guys do not do well under pressure. Him working a ton is stressful for both of you. Is that a permanent condition or is it likely to ease up soon? If it's a permanent condition, you will both need to get right with that and figure out routines that work for you given those parameters. If it is temporary, you keep reminding yourselves that it's temporary. Maybe plan something fun to do together at the end of the tunnel so you have something to look forward to. Try not to nag/whine/mope about his hours, whether they're permanently crazy like this or temporarily so. That behavior will not change his behavior, will not make you feel better, and will likely make him respond even more poorly to the pressure. You are also experiencing stress after a car accident. Make sure that you are getting the appropriate follow up medical care - emotional too, because even if it was a very minor accident, you may be experiencing some residual distress.

In counseling, I would suggest that your focus areas be stress management and communication. Learn the ways that you both cope, figure out which strategies are good ones and which strategies are less good. Learn the best way to communicate with each other - how, when, where, etc. For you, I would concentrate on "I" messages. "When you told me that you thought that woman was attractive, I felt _____", "This week I have felt _____ when we have been short tempered with each other." That sort of thing. Try not to be accusatory "You always/you never" are things that you should never say to anyone, particularly a spouse (irony alert!).

For what it's worth, I have been married twice and in both marriages, these were things that we had to learn, despite being together for some time before marrying. It is always a work in progress, so please don't feel like your relationship is permanently damaged.



Thanks for this helpful post. I mainly wrote this post to get a different perspective. I probably didn't handle it right but I didn't have time to think my actions through...my husband just left me in the car without saying a word. It was dark, I couldn't see where he went, and the light turned green. My gut response was to get in the driver's side and drive the car around to find him.i don't know what's so dramatic about that.

I don't think he's so much missing his freedom...minus this incident, it's been really nice between us. Same deal when we were engaged. For the most part, it's been quiet. He hasn't been wthdrawn. I admit communication is something we're both learning to be better at, but we both admitted this in the car. He said he didn't want to blow up in my face so he had to leave. He told me he thought the story was funny and wanted to share it with me but was surprised by my reaction. I told him it hurt my feelings when he said that. He said he feels like things haven't been been great in a while. I agreed but said I've been short with him because I've been feeling stressed and he said he's feeling stressed from work and admitted to being short as well. He wanted to enjoy the night and take me out to dinner like I deserved to be taken out. I apologized just to make things better and told him I would give him his space. Maybe I do need a breather.

Since then, he's been nice and he's reached out to me in little ways. I'm fine with giving him his space and making up, but I'm still confused by him just getting up and leaving like that. I just don't want him to do it again when he's upset. I don't know how to handle it. I felt much better after talking it out.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 11:43     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You way overreacted. Who cares if he tells a juice barista she is beautiful? Good lord, get a grip. You should have parked the car and let him find you and then talk it out. If you've been married for one month and he needs a break from you, that is a bad, bad sign.


Not OP but how is that OK? Seriously....so you go around telling other men they are handsome and that's normal. Maybe to you but its certainly not. Are you even married?

A NP - I wouldn't care if my DH told any other woman she's beautiful, and I wouldn't care if he told me, either. It's meaningless. It literally does not even get my attention.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 11:37     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
Anonymous wrote:Call a mulligan on this marriage. Things get harder, not easier as time goes on, especially once kids are in the picture. I wish I had heeded the warning signs early in my marriage.
And definitely stay on birth control. Once you have kids, you are in each others' lives forever.


+1. You two are not a good fit and neither of you know how to communicate. He should know by now that you do not appreciate him complimenting other women on their physical attributes and not to do it in front of you or at all. The barista was right to point out that his flirting was inappropriate when he had a wife/girlfriend. That business with him stopping the car and taking off was incredibly immature, not to say dangerous. Often people imitate or react against behaviors they have witnessed in their past bad relationships or those of their parents.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 11:33     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
Anonymous wrote:Oh makes sense...you do not (because deep down you know its not ok) but its cool if your DH does? You are very insecure.


Or maybe someone is secure enough in their own relationship that they don't feel as if escalating every perceived transgression into something that its not is the best course of action.

People who want to try and wring the hidden meaning behind every random comment or exchange will probably end up alone. No one wants to live like that.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 11:31     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You way overreacted. [b]Who cares if he tells a juice barista she is beautiful? [/b]Good lord, get a grip. You should have parked the car and let him find you and then talk it out. If you've been married for one month and he needs a break from you, that is a bad, bad sign. [/quote]

Not OP but how is that OK? Seriously....so you go around telling other men they are handsome and that's normal. Maybe to you but its certainly not. Are you even married?[/quote]

I sure am and my husband has never ditched me in a car to get away from my whiny ass either! I don't go around telling men they are handsome but do I give a shit if my husband were to say a woman is beautiful? Uh, no. I'm a secure adult. [/quote]

Oh makes sense...you do not (because deep down you know its not ok) but its cool if your DH does? You are very insecure.[/quote]

lol!!!! What a bizarre interpretation of my comment. I don't tell men they're handsome because a) few men in this area are and b) men are like dogs and if you were to say that to one he would immediately talent to mean "I want to fuck you" even if you just meant "you are handsome." But sure you can go with the idea I am insecure. Again, I'm not the one whose husband needed a break from me one month in.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 11:21     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You way overreacted. Who cares if he tells a juice barista she is beautiful? Good lord, get a grip. You should have parked the car and let him find you and then talk it out. If you've been married for one month and he needs a break from you, that is a bad, bad sign.


Not OP but how is that OK? Seriously....so you go around telling other men they are handsome and that's normal. Maybe to you but its certainly not. Are you even married?


I sure am and my husband has never ditched me in a car to get away from my whiny ass either! I don't go around telling men they are handsome but do I give a shit if my husband were to say a woman is beautiful? Uh, no. I'm a secure adult.


Oh makes sense...you do not (because deep down you know its not ok) but its cool if your DH does? You are very insecure.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 11:19     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You way overreacted. Who cares if he tells a juice barista she is beautiful? Good lord, get a grip. You should have parked the car and let him find you and then talk it out. If you've been married for one month and he needs a break from you, that is a bad, bad sign.


Not OP but how is that OK? Seriously....so you go around telling other men they are handsome and that's normal. Maybe to you but its certainly not. Are you even married?


I sure am and my husband has never ditched me in a car to get away from my whiny ass either! I don't go around telling men they are handsome but do I give a shit if my husband were to say a woman is beautiful? Uh, no. I'm a secure adult.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 11:10     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, wow. I am really sorry. Halfway through your story, I thought it sounded like he was baiting you into an argument, and by the end of your story it sounded even more like that. Sometimes people need to pick fights in order to get amped enough to deliver the REALLY bad news. I hate to say, it but that is what this sounds like to me. So he wants to separate? Maybe he needed the self-fulfilling prophecy of an argument between you, so he provoked a fight.

I guess all you can do right now is wait until he's calm, ask him again what his intentions are, and request counseling to talk through the issues. I wish you the best. That must have been a hell of a blindsiding.

And no, there is no conceivable good reason for flirting with the smoothie clerk and then telling you about it. WTF.


And some people just love, love, love to pick fights. It's a sport to them, a hobby.

That's something everyone should screen very early for in a relationship.


Intriguing idea, but how exactly does one test for this early in a relationship?


You watch your partner's behaviour closely. If s/he tries to pick fights and blame you for stuff that's not your fault, you say bye-bye and move on.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 11:00     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
You are having fights this bad after only a month of marriage? I'd suggest counseling at the very least. I think you are on the way to divorce if it's this bad this early.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 10:57     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
Anonymous wrote:You way overreacted. Who cares if he tells a juice barista she is beautiful? Good lord, get a grip. You should have parked the car and let him find you and then talk it out. If you've been married for one month and he needs a break from you, that is a bad, bad sign.


Not OP but how is that OK? Seriously....so you go around telling other men they are handsome and that's normal. Maybe to you but its certainly not. Are you even married?
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 10:55     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
You way overreacted. Who cares if he tells a juice barista she is beautiful? Good lord, get a grip. You should have parked the car and let him find you and then talk it out. If you've been married for one month and he needs a break from you, that is a bad, bad sign.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 10:51     Subject: Re:Argument with DH...left me in the car
Anonymous wrote:I don't care he found someone beautiful...seriously. I just don't know what his intention was to even tell me this. That's all. And it wasn't like I blew up at him. It was more like "why are you telling me this, this isn't what I want to hear right now"...


When you're both in a calm moment, just tell him you'd prefer he not tell you when he flirts with someone like that because it hurts your feelings.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 10:51     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
I do not know about your husbands...but mind would 1) never say to another woman she is beautiful, barring he was totally over the marriage.

2) If he did, he would not tell me about it as if its normal conversation.

This is not normal behavior or "shooting the shit." And it does not mean he is "comfortable telling her." It means he got issues.

OP- what do you want out of this? You keep discussing the comment and being stranded but do you really NOT see there is way more going on? What your action plan rather than moping around.

Stop blaming the accident and get up and get a clue.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 10:50     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
Anonymous wrote:I'm having hard time believing this story.


Of course you are. It's not a post until someone calls troll.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2015 10:48     Subject: Argument with DH...left me in the car
I'm having hard time believing this story.