Reply to How do we get out of this circular argument? Joint DH and DW post

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[quote=Anonymous]Like the others are saying...counseling.

But until then, both of you are fighting to be heard. Neither of you feel like the other person understands how you feel. It's not about apologies or blame. It's about feeling heard.

So try an exercise where one person just says how they feel. The other person just listens and connects with the feeling--the pain, hurt, anger. Do not think about your response or explanation. Once the person has expressed everything, the listening person has to parrot back what they heard. Again, no defensiveness, just talk as if you are the other person. Put yourself in their shoes.

DH-- DW will never get over it until she feels like she has been heard and is ALLOWED to be angry. Dr. Phil says she needs to be angry for as long as she needs to be angry. And you need to take it. Take it for as long as you can take it. When you can't take it any more, then you leave.

DW-- DH needs you to know just how distant and disconnect he felt. He needs you to understand just how lonely he was feeling for years. (Deal with how he dealt with those feelings separately) He needs to know that you are willing to set boundaries to protect your marriage (yes, I understand the irony of that statement). If  you can't set those boundaries with members of your family, then you need to leave him. It's not fair to him to stay if the conditions that led to the affair don't change.     [/quote]

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