Dump him

DW: Forget counseling, what a waste of time. To save this marriage, you need to keep his balls drained dry so he doesn't need any more sleepovers with his friend.

Anonymous wrote:Is there anyone here who believes DH that it was not an affair?

Nope. DH is a pretty audacious liar. DW doesn't sound very smart because she is actually about to believe him, hence why she is here. I think she wants someone to tell her this cheating SOB is a keeper.

Like the others are saying...counseling.

But until then, both of you are fighting to be heard. Neither of you feel like the other person understands how you feel. It's not about apologies or blame. It's about feeling heard.

So try an exercise where one person just says how they feel. The other person just listens and connects with the feeling--the pain, hurt, anger. Do not think about your response or explanation. Once the person has expressed everything, the listening person has to parrot back what they heard. Again, no defensiveness, just talk as if you are the other person. Put yourself in their shoes.

DH-- DW will never get over it until she feels like she has been heard and is ALLOWED to be angry. Dr. Phil says she needs to be angry for as long as she needs to be angry. And you need to take it. Take it for as long as you can take it. When you can't take it any more, then you leave.

DW-- DH needs you to know just how distant and disconnect he felt. He needs you to understand just how lonely he was feeling for years. (Deal with how he dealt with those feelings separately) He needs to know that you are willing to set boundaries to protect your marriage (yes, I understand the irony of that statement). If you can't set those boundaries with members of your family, then you need to leave him. It's not fair to him to stay if the conditions that led to the affair don't change.

He thinks his behavior was justified. He is rationalizing his cheating. It was an affair. It is possible (but not likely) that it wasn't physical, but it was definitely an emotional affair.

You should kick him out and take your time to figure out why you want to be married to him.

The fact that you have to ask for advice tells be that you have spent years buying into the web of lies that DH is weaving.

You both are losers. Text? Really?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you believe he cheated? Truly?

Yes, I truly think he was cheating.

He says things like : she wasn't my type, I was just trying to develop business, I am just friendly, we were doing a lot of business together, I'm a talkative guy and talk with anyone who chats back, there's nothing wrong with having friends, she was much younger, she was dating other guys, guys have to be attracted to a woman to want to hit it.....you get the idea.

So he's gaslighting (trying to make you think you're crazy, in essence)

Affair or not, secrets and lies are the downfall.

"Try harder you must."
-Yoda

Anonymous wrote:It could happen --if a frog didn't bump its ass when it hopped.

If a frog had wings ^

It could happen --if a frog didn't bump its ass when it hopped.

Are you serious that you think he didn't have physical contact with this woman and it was not an affair?

He claims to have had an adult male/female sleepover with someone he texted and emailed hundreds of times?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH seems to be trying, DW doesn't. Marriage counselor would work well here.

DH is performing "trying." She's right to think he FoS.

Performance.

Lacking.

Sexually or other?

He is having an emotional or more affair with the person he is texting. Take it on that level. Are you comfortable with a cheater?

Anonymous wrote:DH seems to be trying, DW doesn't. Marriage counselor would work well here.

DH is performing "trying." She's right to think he FoS.

Performance.

Lacking.

Wait: so he says he cheated because you would not kick out your own son? That is really manipulative and awful, making you chose between him and your son. Perhaps your son needed to be kicked out but that was a decision for you to make as a mother.