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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ok I will try to be "nicer" to OP because I kind of understand where she is coming from.  My DH is very similar.

OP, your husband is a person, not a collection of traits which you either like or dislike.  I've noticed on DCUM that women think of their husbands as some sort of catalog of things they can brag about like, "My DH is sweet, does the dishes, makes 320k, and is hot.  He's the nerd I found that no one else wanted and now I'm a winner nyah nyah."  This is pretty insane and reflects some issues with these posters, which is basically what DCUM is all about.  More than that, you actually chose your husband, so at some point you liked more things about him than you disliked.

It's reasonable that over the years people change, and maybe you've realized that what you actually wanted is a man who is confident and makes more money.  Too bad!  This is what you've got.  YOU can be confident, YOU can make more money, but you can't force your DH to become these things.  I've often wondered why my DH isn't as confident as other people, but it's because he's cautious and honest with people.  Those are GOOD things.  He doesn't feel the need to assert his superiority or bullshit with people.  If he knows something, he knows it, if he doesn't, he isn't afraid to be vulnerable or ask for help.  These are GREAT traits.

Even though we are adults and we should know better, people forget that in life, every strength has a corresponding weakness.  You may have lots of money, but not much time to enjoy it.  You may have a great career, but not have the energy left over to enjoy fulfilling hobbies or friendships.  You may not have a lot of "confidence" but you may have a lot of insight and humility instead.  Life isn't a race, and you shouldn't ruin your marriage over perceived weaknesses.[/quote]

This is great advice. really. You just articulated my thoughts when I read posts like this. You also sound as though these are things you may have worked through in therapy? I'd be curious to know. If not, you've done an excellent job of cultivating self awareness on your own.[/quote]

Nope, no therapy, just a lot of frustration and disappointment.  My marriage was a nightmare for the first few years, because I got married young and felt like I could have "done better" when things weren't easy.  Having children made me realize I have to get my emotional shit together before I ruin my life and theirs.  I was especially upset/petty when I realized I could not really position myself to earn a lot of money in my career, and that DH isn't that interested in earning more (kind of like OP).  This really upset me, but I had to get over it.  Reading this forum critically helps, because you see the types of thinking that lead people to be unhappy, and you realize that even the people bragging about their "great" DHs are just objectifying them.  I also knew someone personally who married someone who seemed "better" than my DH, in that he made more money, was more sophisticated, etc., but she's still as unhappy as before, plus her DH is humorless and doesn't have time and energy for her.   I came to several realizations:

1.  I will never be happy if I am constantly "keeping score."
2.  DH is a person, not an accessory.
3.  If I'm comparing myself and DH today, I'll be comparing my kids tomorrow, and that will make them miserable and make them overly competitive or people pleasers (both bad outcomes)
4.  I need to set my own goals and go for them.[/quote]

Op here. This is me. I married my DH young and he was my only bf. I picked him because he was sweet and kind and generous but not very ambitious or wanting to rise to the top at his job. A few years later I saw my friends marry investment bankers and successful engineers; guys who seem nice and are motivated and driven. Makes me wonder if I sold myself too short.[/quote]

Well OP since we are in the same situation I can tell you:

GET OVER IT.

You've made your decision and you can't go back.  If you were satisfied with your own career and growth as a person you wouldn't be feeling this way, either.  So get busy fixing your own life and leave your poor DH alone.  Do you want this to be your story: married young, nagged DH into a divorce in your 30s, ended up alone or perpetually searching for "the one"?  Plus, you don't know a damn thing about your friends' investment banker husbands.  You don't know if they're an emotionally disconnected jerk, you don't know if they're kind, and you don't know if they'll be perfectly fine for 20 years and then have a heart attack or a terrible disease or even dump your friend for a younger cocktail waitress.  In fact, no one knows what is going to happen, which is why keeping score is stupid.  People think life is a game and they're keeping score but who obsessively keeps score 5 minutes into an hour long game?  You won't know how your life turned out until it's over.  So make things good now.[/quote]

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