Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I will try to be "nicer" to OP because I kind of understand where she is coming from. My DH is very similar.

OP, your husband is a person, not a collection of traits which you either like or dislike. I've noticed on DCUM that women think of their husbands as some sort of catalog of things they can brag about like, "My DH is sweet, does the dishes, makes 320k, and is hot. He's the nerd I found that no one else wanted and now I'm a winner nyah nyah." This is pretty insane and reflects some issues with these posters, which is basically what DCUM is all about. More than that, you actually chose your husband, so at some point you liked more things about him than you disliked.

It's reasonable that over the years people change, and maybe you've realized that what you actually wanted is a man who is confident and makes more money. Too bad! This is what you've got. YOU can be confident, YOU can make more money, but you can't force your DH to become these things. I've often wondered why my DH isn't as confident as other people, but it's because he's cautious and honest with people. Those are GOOD things. He doesn't feel the need to assert his superiority or bullshit with people. If he knows something, he knows it, if he doesn't, he isn't afraid to be vulnerable or ask for help. These are GREAT traits.

Even though we are adults and we should know better, people forget that in life, every strength has a corresponding weakness. You may have lots of money, but not much time to enjoy it. You may have a great career, but not have the energy left over to enjoy fulfilling hobbies or friendships. You may not have a lot of "confidence" but you may have a lot of insight and humility instead. Life isn't a race, and you shouldn't ruin your marriage over perceived weaknesses.

This is great advice. really. You just articulated my thoughts when I read posts like this. You also sound as though these are things you may have worked through in therapy? I'd be curious to know. If not, you've done an excellent job of cultivating self awareness on your own.

Nope, no therapy, just a lot of frustration and disappointment. My marriage was a nightmare for the first few years, because I got married young and felt like I could have "done better" when things weren't easy. Having children made me realize I have to get my emotional shit together before I ruin my life and theirs. I was especially upset/petty when I realized I could not really position myself to earn a lot of money in my career, and that DH isn't that interested in earning more (kind of like OP). This really upset me, but I had to get over it. Reading this forum critically helps, because you see the types of thinking that lead people to be unhappy, and you realize that even the people bragging about their "great" DHs are just objectifying them. I also knew someone personally who married someone who seemed "better" than my DH, in that he made more money, was more sophisticated, etc., but she's still as unhappy as before, plus her DH is humorless and doesn't have time and energy for her. I came to several realizations:

1. I will never be happy if I am constantly "keeping score."
2. DH is a person, not an accessory.
3. If I'm comparing myself and DH today, I'll be comparing my kids tomorrow, and that will make them miserable and make them overly competitive or people pleasers (both bad outcomes)
4. I need to set my own goals and go for them.

Op here. This is me. I married my DH young and he was my only bf. I picked him because he was sweet and kind and generous but not very ambitious or wanting to rise to the top at his job. A few years later I saw my friends marry investment bankers and successful engineers; guys who seem nice and are motivated and driven. Makes me wonder if I sold myself too short.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He could be doing so much more with his life! He's smart but shy and has self esteem issues and only brings in 70k.

Only brings in 70K?

Ok...so...based on some of your other remarks...is it possible he is A.D.D.?

I've actually suspected it. But he has two degrees with honors and excels at his job...I don't know if he could do that with ADD

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I will try to be "nicer" to OP because I kind of understand where she is coming from. My DH is very similar.

OP, your husband is a person, not a collection of traits which you either like or dislike. I've noticed on DCUM that women think of their husbands as some sort of catalog of things they can brag about like, "My DH is sweet, does the dishes, makes 320k, and is hot. He's the nerd I found that no one else wanted and now I'm a winner nyah nyah." This is pretty insane and reflects some issues with these posters, which is basically what DCUM is all about. More than that, you actually chose your husband, so at some point you liked more things about him than you disliked.

It's reasonable that over the years people change, and maybe you've realized that what you actually wanted is a man who is confident and makes more money. Too bad! This is what you've got. YOU can be confident, YOU can make more money, but you can't force your DH to become these things. I've often wondered why my DH isn't as confident as other people, but it's because he's cautious and honest with people. Those are GOOD things. He doesn't feel the need to assert his superiority or bullshit with people. If he knows something, he knows it, if he doesn't, he isn't afraid to be vulnerable or ask for help. These are GREAT traits.

Even though we are adults and we should know better, people forget that in life, every strength has a corresponding weakness. You may have lots of money, but not much time to enjoy it. You may have a great career, but not have the energy left over to enjoy fulfilling hobbies or friendships. You may not have a lot of "confidence" but you may have a lot of insight and humility instead. Life isn't a race, and you shouldn't ruin your marriage over perceived weaknesses.

This is great advice. really. You just articulated my thoughts when I read posts like this. You also sound as though these are things you may have worked through in therapy? I'd be curious to know. If not, you've done an excellent job of cultivating self awareness on your own.

Nope, no therapy, just a lot of frustration and disappointment. My marriage was a nightmare for the first few years, because I got married young and felt like I could have "done better" when things weren't easy. Having children made me realize I have to get my emotional shit together before I ruin my life and theirs. I was especially upset/petty when I realized I could not really position myself to earn a lot of money in my career, and that DH isn't that interested in earning more (kind of like OP). This really upset me, but I had to get over it. Reading this forum critically helps, because you see the types of thinking that lead people to be unhappy, and you realize that even the people bragging about their "great" DHs are just objectifying them. I also knew someone personally who married someone who seemed "better" than my DH, in that he made more money, was more sophisticated, etc., but she's still as unhappy as before, plus her DH is humorless and doesn't have time and energy for her. I came to several realizations:

1. I will never be happy if I am constantly "keeping score."
2. DH is a person, not an accessory.
3. If I'm comparing myself and DH today, I'll be comparing my kids tomorrow, and that will make them miserable and make them overly competitive or people pleasers (both bad outcomes)
4. I need to set my own goals and go for them.

Op here. This is me. I married my DH young and he was my only bf. I picked him because he was sweet and kind and generous but not very ambitious or wanting to rise to the top at his job. A few years later I saw my friends marry investment bankers and successful engineers; guys who seem nice and are motivated and driven. Makes me wonder if I sold myself too short.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I will try to be "nicer" to OP because I kind of understand where she is coming from. My DH is very similar.

OP, your husband is a person, not a collection of traits which you either like or dislike. I've noticed on DCUM that women think of their husbands as some sort of catalog of things they can brag about like, "My DH is sweet, does the dishes, makes 320k, and is hot. He's the nerd I found that no one else wanted and now I'm a winner nyah nyah." This is pretty insane and reflects some issues with these posters, which is basically what DCUM is all about. More than that, you actually chose your husband, so at some point you liked more things about him than you disliked.

It's reasonable that over the years people change, and maybe you've realized that what you actually wanted is a man who is confident and makes more money. Too bad! This is what you've got. YOU can be confident, YOU can make more money, but you can't force your DH to become these things. I've often wondered why my DH isn't as confident as other people, but it's because he's cautious and honest with people. Those are GOOD things. He doesn't feel the need to assert his superiority or bullshit with people. If he knows something, he knows it, if he doesn't, he isn't afraid to be vulnerable or ask for help. These are GREAT traits.

Even though we are adults and we should know better, people forget that in life, every strength has a corresponding weakness. You may have lots of money, but not much time to enjoy it. You may have a great career, but not have the energy left over to enjoy fulfilling hobbies or friendships. You may not have a lot of "confidence" but you may have a lot of insight and humility instead. Life isn't a race, and you shouldn't ruin your marriage over perceived weaknesses.

This is great advice. really. You just articulated my thoughts when I read posts like this. You also sound as though these are things you may have worked through in therapy? I'd be curious to know. If not, you've done an excellent job of cultivating self awareness on your own.

Nope, no therapy, just a lot of frustration and disappointment. My marriage was a nightmare for the first few years, because I got married young and felt like I could have "done better" when things weren't easy. Having children made me realize I have to get my emotional shit together before I ruin my life and theirs. I was especially upset/petty when I realized I could not really position myself to earn a lot of money in my career, and that DH isn't that interested in earning more (kind of like OP). This really upset me, but I had to get over it. Reading this forum critically helps, because you see the types of thinking that lead people to be unhappy, and you realize that even the people bragging about their "great" DHs are just objectifying them. I also knew someone personally who married someone who seemed "better" than my DH, in that he made more money, was more sophisticated, etc., but she's still as unhappy as before, plus her DH is humorless and doesn't have time and energy for her. I came to several realizations:

1. I will never be happy if I am constantly "keeping score."
2. DH is a person, not an accessory.
3. If I'm comparing myself and DH today, I'll be comparing my kids tomorrow, and that will make them miserable and make them overly competitive or people pleasers (both bad outcomes)
4. I need to set my own goals and go for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I will try to be "nicer" to OP because I kind of understand where she is coming from. My DH is very similar.

OP, your husband is a person, not a collection of traits which you either like or dislike. I've noticed on DCUM that women think of their husbands as some sort of catalog of things they can brag about like, "My DH is sweet, does the dishes, makes 320k, and is hot. He's the nerd I found that no one else wanted and now I'm a winner nyah nyah." This is pretty insane and reflects some issues with these posters, which is basically what DCUM is all about. More than that, you actually chose your husband, so at some point you liked more things about him than you disliked.

It's reasonable that over the years people change, and maybe you've realized that what you actually wanted is a man who is confident and makes more money. Too bad! This is what you've got. YOU can be confident, YOU can make more money, but you can't force your DH to become these things. I've often wondered why my DH isn't as confident as other people, but it's because he's cautious and honest with people. Those are GOOD things. He doesn't feel the need to assert his superiority or bullshit with people. If he knows something, he knows it, if he doesn't, he isn't afraid to be vulnerable or ask for help. These are GREAT traits.

Even though we are adults and we should know better, people forget that in life, every strength has a corresponding weakness. You may have lots of money, but not much time to enjoy it. You may have a great career, but not have the energy left over to enjoy fulfilling hobbies or friendships. You may not have a lot of "confidence" but you may have a lot of insight and humility instead. Life isn't a race, and you shouldn't ruin your marriage over perceived weaknesses.

This is great advice. really. You just articulated my thoughts when I read posts like this. You also sound as though these are things you may have worked through in therapy? I'd be curious to know. If not, you've done an excellent job of cultivating self awareness on your own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find OP's post funny since 70K is coincidentally the threshold above which additional money does not seem to correlate with happiness. It seems like her husband is actually working quite smart.

Please. you have to be a real fool to have collected 2 degrees with honors and still manage to only make as much as an executive secretary.

That's what I mean. He's graduated from really well respected private schools. He was groomed to do so much more.

But based on your own description of him, he's never been the grab life by the balls type, and this was evident in his courtship of you. So why are you surprised now? What did you think would happen?

Well I was young and naive. He talked the talk. Everything I was looking for:

A.good character
B.desire to get married and loved children
C.good relations with his family
D. Very erudite and well educated.
E. Talked of wanting to take care of his family


Etc.
Those talks I found out, aren't bs led up by action. He said he wanted to get married but waiting a long time to propose, etc.

So he has good intentions, he is just so slow and unmotivated to go get what he wants and muses about.

This is one reason it's wise to get married a little later rather than doing everything you can to 'land' a husband in your mid 20's- you'll have time to see more of how they turn out, if they do what they say they will do, if they realize some of that potential you're banking on.
I realize it's too late for you in this regard OP, but something other women should consider.

Please.

I met my DH in college at age 20. BS greduate from a Public school. He was focused and determinded. we purchased our first home at age 23. Being a provider has always been in his DNA. You absolutely can tell when a man is ambitious and acts on his goals. He has even had 3 total career changes in order to grow and learn more and become more valuable in the workforce.

It's hot. Those guys are hot. They can be spotted a mile away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find OP's post funny since 70K is coincidentally the threshold above which additional money does not seem to correlate with happiness. It seems like her husband is actually working quite smart.

Please. you have to be a real fool to have collected 2 degrees with honors and still manage to only make as much as an executive secretary.

That's what I mean. He's graduated from really well respected private schools. He was groomed to do so much more.

But based on your own description of him, he's never been the grab life by the balls type, and this was evident in his courtship of you. So why are you surprised now? What did you think would happen?

Well I was young and naive. He talked the talk. Everything I was looking for:

A.good character
B.desire to get married and loved children
C.good relations with his family
D. Very erudite and well educated.
E. Talked of wanting to take care of his family


Etc.
Those talks I found out, aren't bs led up by action. He said he wanted to get married but waiting a long time to propose, etc.

So he has good intentions, he is just so slow and unmotivated to go get what he wants and muses about.

This is one reason it's wise to get married a little later rather than doing everything you can to 'land' a husband in your mid 20's- you'll have time to see more of how they turn out, if they do what they say they will do, if they realize some of that potential you're banking on.
I realize it's too late for you in this regard OP, but something other women should consider.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find OP's post funny since 70K is coincidentally the threshold above which additional money does not seem to correlate with happiness. It seems like her husband is actually working quite smart.

Please. you have to be a real fool to have collected 2 degrees with honors and still manage to only make as much as an executive secretary.

That's what I mean. He's graduated from really well respected private schools. He was groomed to do so much more.

Well, he's wasted his time and money on a bunch of nonsense private schools. He probably has wealthy parents and doesn't know the meaning of working hard and getting ahead. That's what happens when life is handed to you.

what a turn off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find OP's post funny since 70K is coincidentally the threshold above which additional money does not seem to correlate with happiness. It seems like her husband is actually working quite smart.

Please. you have to be a real fool to have collected 2 degrees with honors and still manage to only make as much as an executive secretary.

That's what I mean. He's graduated from really well respected private schools. He was groomed to do so much more.

Anonymous wrote:Ok I will try to be "nicer" to OP because I kind of understand where she is coming from. My DH is very similar.

OP, your husband is a person, not a collection of traits which you either like or dislike. I've noticed on DCUM that women think of their husbands as some sort of catalog of things they can brag about like, "My DH is sweet, does the dishes, makes 320k, and is hot. He's the nerd I found that no one else wanted and now I'm a winner nyah nyah." This is pretty insane and reflects some issues with these posters, which is basically what DCUM is all about. More than that, you actually chose your husband, so at some point you liked more things about him than you disliked.

It's reasonable that over the years people change, and maybe you've realized that what you actually wanted is a man who is confident and makes more money. Too bad! This is what you've got. YOU can be confident, YOU can make more money, but you can't force your DH to become these things. I've often wondered why my DH isn't as confident as other people, but it's because he's cautious and honest with people. Those are GOOD things. He doesn't feel the need to assert his superiority or bullshit with people. If he knows something, he knows it, if he doesn't, he isn't afraid to be vulnerable or ask for help. These are GREAT traits.

Even though we are adults and we should know better, people forget that in life, every strength has a corresponding weakness. You may have lots of money, but not much time to enjoy it. You may have a great career, but not have the energy left over to enjoy fulfilling hobbies or friendships. You may not have a lot of "confidence" but you may have a lot of insight and humility instead. Life isn't a race, and you shouldn't ruin your marriage over perceived weaknesses.

Anonymous wrote:My husband works for a non-profit he's not passionate about, but identifies with the mission. He makes 70K, when he'd make double that at a big firm. He's shy, but has good self-esteem. He also takes a while to make major financial decision, but he's an accountant so I'm not surprised. I'm a govt attorney, and make $90K. I'm not passionate about the field, but I'm doing meaningful work. I respect my DH because he chose to do meaningful work, and it's really important to him to have a good work life balance where he still gets to spend time with our child. I actually respect him more for this!