Reply to What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wow, OP, I feel for you SO much.  My DH is similarly passive and conflict avoidant when talking with his daughter.  She was a terrible HS student and he and his ex did not save for her education.  And as a stepmom you DO have a say - it's your household budget.  I was actually willing to take a huge chunk of our current joint income to pay for an expensive public junior college in VA, but DSD decided on community college because her best friend wanted to get an apartment with her.  (then she promptly dropped out.  We since paid for two additional semesters that she ended up bombing, too.)

[b]It's really cruel what your DH is doing By not leveling with his son.  But I hope he's not similarly avoiding conflict with you and planning to take out huge private loans in order to avoid disappointing his son.  Guilt is a powerful thing.  [/b]Hope you'll update us about what happens.[/quote]

The more I think about it the more I think your DH needs to address the reasons that he feels guilty before he can feel comfortable addressing his son about college finances.  I don't know how to get your husband to see that throwing money at the underlying issue, especially money you don't have, doesn't fix the issue.

You see no amount of money my dad gives my sister or loans he co-signs that are now in default will make my sister feel like she wasn't abandoned by my dad in high school or that he didn't have an affair during that timeframe or that he didn't outrageously spoil her and let her do things as part of the power struggle with my mom.  She sees the money as the least he can do and he wonders if it is even worth the effort because she would curse him out some times, hang up on him, and then come to him for more money.  It's like if he stops trying he not only abandons her all over again but he has helped create this situation and then would leave her to fend for herself. They can't move forward until they have resolved the past and at some point the game clock will run out.  My situation wasn't as dire, because I think I had the happier years of their marriage.  But I also had a lot of anger, feelings of abandonment, trust issues in relationships.  I just channelled it into get the heck out of there and not needing to depend on anyone. Until my father admitted that he was wrong in how he handled things and said he wished he had done better, and apologized and I gave my forgiveness ...it was always there between us and a weight on my shoulders.

If your DH can't see these things on his own, maybe getting a professional 3rd party involved is the answer.  I'm thinking long term you don't want these things to come between you in your martiage and you want DH and his son to have a healthy relationship and for your DSS to be a self-supporting, happy, well-adjusted adult.[/quote]

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