Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 18:17     Subject: Re:What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
I do not think it is the stepmom's decision to make here


+1000
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 17:07     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Agree with the plan to say "we have $X for your college -- you can spend it in different ways. We won't be adding to it later."

I would also show him some options for how he can use it. i.e. "you can do 2 years at community college and then transfer to a better named college and that's what you're degree will say. Or you can start at X, but you'll have to figure out how to pay for the rest of the costs. Or you can try Y ... "

Help he see the choices he has. This is A GREAT LESSON for him. It treats him like an adult rather than a whiny child. The linchpin is that you and DH must be committed to keeping your limit. No adding on later b/c he had a rough semester or changed his major or got a girl pregnant, etc. This is such a great opportunity and the you should present it that way to step son. The choice is his!!
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 13:18     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Can't the 3 of you sit down at the table and just talk about this?
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 13:11     Subject: Re:What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
In a more constructive vein, would the situation be more doable if ds went to acc for two years before switching to private. If the private school is not a top 25 school, 4years of substantial loans is likely to be a poor investment and crippling for him financially. It would be helpful for dh to explain this to him, making breaking down what you have to contribute, what he would have to borrow, what his monthly payments would be after graduations, and what typical new college graduates make.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 13:04     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you still feel the same if he were your son?


If it were my son, this would not be an issue. I would come out and say your options are whatever in state you can be admitted to or community college. Why would I feel any differently if this were my biological child?


Because you would do what it takes to send him to the best school if he were your son. You would have found grants, scholarships, loans etc.


I have known Dhs son since he was 6months old. I am happy to find him grants, scholarships, and loans. Well--loans I've already figured out. Beyond the Stafford loans, we cannot
afford to make the payments on a private loan. But if you could point me to a source that I could scour for grants and scholarships given his GPA and SAT scores, I would greatly appreciate it. I would be willing to pay for a scholarship service if one exists.


It's obvious by the way to refer to your "Dhs son" that you couldn't care less and are annoyed at any amount you have to pay towards his schooling.


How else would you like me to refer to him? If I call him "our" son, nothing changes. We still can't afford a private tuition. I'm still frustrated that DH won't tell his son. And then if I refer to him as "our" son, then the obvious question is if DH won't tell him, why won't I? Well...in this case, because he IS not my son....it's not my place to tell him. So what is the right term that I should use to refer to him?

I am not annoyed at any amount that we pay towards his college. We have a set amount available. There is no more money. It would be nice if this were not the case, but college is not free and you can only go where you can pay the bill. I am annoyed that DH will not share this information with his child.


My step son?
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 12:43     Subject: Re:What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:

Well, what are DH's reasons? If it is just that he does not want to disappoint his child, that's one thing. If he feels that the child will not succeed in a large state school, and would be more likely to succeed in a smaller private institution, I can see why he would work to try to make it happen.

If the kid needs a fancy private country club atmosphere to get a degree, he's going to be in for a big surprise when he enters the work force. And good luck paying off that 6 figure student loan.


That's not necessarily true. My sister was painfully shy and terrible at math. My parents extended themselves to send her to a small liberal arts college, where she found her niche and did well. She went on to get a graduate degree and does well for herself in a non-math-related field. If she had gone to a large state school, she would have floundered. If our state had an option like Mary Washington in VA, that probably would have been a good fit for her, but it didn't.


Look, this may have been true for your sister; however, this is not the case for most students who are mediocre in school.

What's wrong with state schools? I went to a prestigious large school where it was "sink or swim." it taught me how to navigate the real world. I would recommend having him enroll in one of the community colleges in VA that guarantee admission to UVA or other great state schools with a certain GPA. College is a huge expense, and you shouldn't just throw money at a private school b/c the child feels that state school is beneath him. Further, he needs to learn what real life is about, not prolong the 'sheltered' environment by paying for an expensive private college that no one can afford.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 12:32     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I feel for you SO much. My DH is similarly passive and conflict avoidant when talking with his daughter. She was a terrible HS student and he and his ex did not save for her education. And as a stepmom you DO have a say - it's your household budget. I was actually willing to take a huge chunk of our current joint income to pay for an expensive public junior college in VA, but DSD decided on community college because her best friend wanted to get an apartment with her. (then she promptly dropped out. We since paid for two additional semesters that she ended up bombing, too.)

It's really cruel what your DH is doing By not leveling with his son. But I hope he's not similarly avoiding conflict with you and planning to take out huge private loans in order to avoid disappointing his son. Guilt is a powerful thing. Hope you'll update us about what happens.


The more I think about it the more I think your DH needs to address the reasons that he feels guilty before he can feel comfortable addressing his son about college finances. I don't know how to get your husband to see that throwing money at the underlying issue, especially money you don't have, doesn't fix the issue.

You see no amount of money my dad gives my sister or loans he co-signs that are now in default will make my sister feel like she wasn't abandoned by my dad in high school or that he didn't have an affair during that timeframe or that he didn't outrageously spoil her and let her do things as part of the power struggle with my mom. She sees the money as the least he can do and he wonders if it is even worth the effort because she would curse him out some times, hang up on him, and then come to him for more money. It's like if he stops trying he not only abandons her all over again but he has helped create this situation and then would leave her to fend for herself. They can't move forward until they have resolved the past and at some point the game clock will run out. My situation wasn't as dire, because I think I had the happier years of their marriage. But I also had a lot of anger, feelings of abandonment, trust issues in relationships. I just channelled it into get the heck out of there and not needing to depend on anyone. Until my father admitted that he was wrong in how he handled things and said he wished he had done better, and apologized and I gave my forgiveness ...it was always there between us and a weight on my shoulders.

If your DH can't see these things on his own, maybe getting a professional 3rd party involved is the answer. I'm thinking long term you don't want these things to come between you in your martiage and you want DH and his son to have a healthy relationship and for your DSS to be a self-supporting, happy, well-adjusted adult.


+10000 best post of this whole topic
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 12:31     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I feel for you SO much. My DH is similarly passive and conflict avoidant when talking with his daughter. She was a terrible HS student and he and his ex did not save for her education. And as a stepmom you DO have a say - it's your household budget. I was actually willing to take a huge chunk of our current joint income to pay for an expensive public junior college in VA, but DSD decided on community college[b] because her best friend wanted to get an apartment with her. (then she promptly dropped out. We since paid for two additional semesters that she ended up bombing, too.)

It's really cruel what your DH is doing By not leveling with his son. But I hope he's not similarly avoiding conflict with you and planning to take out huge private loans in order to avoid disappointing his son. Guilt is a powerful thing. Hope you'll update us about what happens.


I've never heard of junior college before: how does that differ from community college?


It's essentially the same as a community college (confers associates degrees and has transfer agreements with 4-year colleges) but many junior colleges also have on-campus housing and offer more supports for students who aren't quite ready for a 4-year college. There are a lot of expensive private junior colleges. If you have the means, it can be a way to send a struggling student "off" to college but give them more support than a typical 4 year school would do.

The college we looked at which is a public junior college is Richard Bland College in Virginia. (It's formerly the junior college of the College of William and Mary.) It's just as expensive as a 4-year public college in VA. So community college is the way to go if you want to save money. But we considers Bland, frankly, because we thought the appeal of dorm life might keep DSD more focused on classes than community college would. And to be honest it's a little of a face-saving thing among people who might be embarrassed about all their friends going away to school while they can't. It didn't work out for us though, since our DSD was more interested in socializing back home.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 12:10     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I feel for you SO much. My DH is similarly passive and conflict avoidant when talking with his daughter. She was a terrible HS student and he and his ex did not save for her education. And as a stepmom you DO have a say - it's your household budget. I was actually willing to take a huge chunk of our current joint income to pay for an expensive public junior college in VA, but DSD decided on community college[b] because her best friend wanted to get an apartment with her. (then she promptly dropped out. We since paid for two additional semesters that she ended up bombing, too.)

It's really cruel what your DH is doing By not leveling with his son. But I hope he's not similarly avoiding conflict with you and planning to take out huge private loans in order to avoid disappointing his son. Guilt is a powerful thing. Hope you'll update us about what happens.


I've never heard of junior college before: how does that differ from community college?
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 11:46     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I feel for you SO much. My DH is similarly passive and conflict avoidant when talking with his daughter. She was a terrible HS student and he and his ex did not save for her education. And as a stepmom you DO have a say - it's your household budget. I was actually willing to take a huge chunk of our current joint income to pay for an expensive public junior college in VA, but DSD decided on community college because her best friend wanted to get an apartment with her. (then she promptly dropped out. We since paid for two additional semesters that she ended up bombing, too.)

It's really cruel what your DH is doing By not leveling with his son. But I hope he's not similarly avoiding conflict with you and planning to take out huge private loans in order to avoid disappointing his son. Guilt is a powerful thing. Hope you'll update us about what happens.


The more I think about it the more I think your DH needs to address the reasons that he feels guilty before he can feel comfortable addressing his son about college finances. I don't know how to get your husband to see that throwing money at the underlying issue, especially money you don't have, doesn't fix the issue.

You see no amount of money my dad gives my sister or loans he co-signs that are now in default will make my sister feel like she wasn't abandoned by my dad in high school or that he didn't have an affair during that timeframe or that he didn't outrageously spoil her and let her do things as part of the power struggle with my mom. She sees the money as the least he can do and he wonders if it is even worth the effort because she would curse him out some times, hang up on him, and then come to him for more money. It's like if he stops trying he not only abandons her all over again but he has helped create this situation and then would leave her to fend for herself. They can't move forward until they have resolved the past and at some point the game clock will run out. My situation wasn't as dire, because I think I had the happier years of their marriage. But I also had a lot of anger, feelings of abandonment, trust issues in relationships. I just channelled it into get the heck out of there and not needing to depend on anyone. Until my father admitted that he was wrong in how he handled things and said he wished he had done better, and apologized and I gave my forgiveness ...it was always there between us and a weight on my shoulders.

If your DH can't see these things on his own, maybe getting a professional 3rd party involved is the answer. I'm thinking long term you don't want these things to come between you in your martiage and you want DH and his son to have a healthy relationship and for your DSS to be a self-supporting, happy, well-adjusted adult.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2015 20:34     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:"Here is what we would have paid for you to attend State U. You can go private but you have to find the rest yourself. Good luck to you."


+1

This is exactly what I would do. Too many parents start with a baseline of paying for everything. Then, when their child wants to go to an expensive private school, or a popular state school that is out-o- state or offers no scholarship, they have to choose between refusing to pay or taking on huge loans.

It would be better, IMO, to explain that you have a college fund for him, that you have saved X dollars for him, and now it's his choice of where he wants to go. If he wants to go to Expensive Private U, then he can get a loan.

Also, I would advise against a big, state school. They are fine if your son is motivated, but unmotivated kids tend to fall through the cracks. I would strongly recommend a community college. He can start there and then transfer to a state flagship if it works out. Ultimately, I think it's important to be up-front about your finances and then let your son make the decision.

You might also just let him get a full-time job for a while and not go to school. Not everyone has to go to college, and most people aren't as snobby about blue collar workers as they are on DCUM.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2015 20:07     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Wow, OP, I feel for you SO much. My DH is similarly passive and conflict avoidant when talking with his daughter. She was a terrible HS student and he and his ex did not save for her education. And as a stepmom you DO have a say - it's your household budget. I was actually willing to take a huge chunk of our current joint income to pay for an expensive public junior college in VA, but DSD decided on community college because her best friend wanted to get an apartment with her. (then she promptly dropped out. We since paid for two additional semesters that she ended up bombing, too.)

It's really cruel what your DH is doing By not leveling with his son. But I hope he's not similarly avoiding conflict with you and planning to take out huge private loans in order to avoid disappointing his son. Guilt is a powerful thing. Hope you'll update us about what happens.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2015 19:45     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Maybe a big dose of reality will wake up your DH. Stafford loans freshman year are $5500 total. If your private school is $60,000, that means YOU need to co-sign a loan for whatever you cannot cover. The $30,000 bill for the first semester will be in your mailbox by July. Remember, when you co-sign, that means you pay when the student is unable.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2015 16:16     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
There's nothing wrong with it, and in fact, there is everything right about it. I have done the same with my own teenager. He is well aware of what we are willing/able to pay, and that more expensive pricetags are not an option.

That said, I firmly believe that the time to have this conversation is BEFORE college applications are submitted, preferably well before. It is unfair, IMO, to allow kids to string themselves along, with dreams of certain schools, and then to pull the rug out from under them, saying "sorry, changed my mind."

I'm not talking about changes in family circumstances that warrant or require a mid-stream correction, and that's not what you are talking about either. You have felt this way all along. It is too bad you and DH can't get on the same page. Now one of you is going to have to give in. I suspect it will be you.

I hope, for all concerned, that your DS rises to the occasion and makes the most of his college experience.
Anonymous
Post 01/29/2015 15:09     Subject: Re:What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:All my kid learned to do at college was party. It still pisses me off thinking about all the money we wasted.


So true!