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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

OP, you owe your mother a huge apology. You should not have asked her to host or agreed to let her host. On top of her full time job of dealing with her husband, she had to clean her house, make sure dinnerware was in order, grocery shop, plan a menu, "make a few things," and do drinks. That's a LOT to do when also taking care of her husband. I know you feel like it isn't much, but she obviously didn't think she could do it. When she clearly didn't want to do it, you piled on to her burden. It sounds as though you assured her you would take care of everything else, yet you are surprised she wanted a guest to take out the trash? YES, take out the trash for the woman!

And sure, your mom could likely use an adjustment to her medications to help her mood; but even if they "make her feel happy," they won't make her feel obligated to take on holiday hosting! I think the question you need to ask is what can you do to help your mom.

Next get-together, figure out a better way to do this so that your mother doesn't have to lift a finger. Talk to the hospice workers to find out who can be with your father while you all go out to dinner (even if it's a major holiday). Also, while you're there, do their laundry (wash, fold and put away), take out the trash, etc. Don't do anything that would create more work for her (as in, don't leave clean laundry piled in the basket, don't do a load of dishes and leave them to dry on the counter for her to put away). Would she go for a massage? If so, get her a gift certificate. You implied she seems to like seeing her grandchildren, you could offer to be with your father while she takes them to the park or for ice cream, or just while they hang out together in the family room (or whatever she likes to do).

[/quote]

I think this says things perfectly.

OP, I also recommend a therapist to work through  your feelings of grief about  your family.  It seems as if you are in denial of the situation and you really need to deal with the changes in your family and figure out how to make the holidays a bit more about other people -- your mom, your kids (who should get the chance to develop a relationship with your mom) and how to help your mom.  You may not agree with her decision not to put her husband in a nursing home, but I think if you shut out your relationship with her (and your father) over this you will feel sad later.  My grandmother resisted a nursing home for a long time, and honestly, I understand why.

Your mom is in a major rut and you need to develop your own strength to help her.[/quote]

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