Anonymous wrote:

OP, you owe your mother a huge apology. You should not have asked her to host or agreed to let her host. On top of her full time job of dealing with her husband, she had to clean her house, make sure dinnerware was in order, grocery shop, plan a menu, "make a few things," and do drinks. That's a LOT to do when also taking care of her husband. I know you feel like it isn't much, but she obviously didn't think she could do it. When she clearly didn't want to do it, you piled on to her burden. It sounds as though you assured her you would take care of everything else, yet you are surprised she wanted a guest to take out the trash? YES, take out the trash for the woman!

And sure, your mom could likely use an adjustment to her medications to help her mood; but even if they "make her feel happy," they won't make her feel obligated to take on holiday hosting! I think the question you need to ask is what can you do to help your mom.

Next get-together, figure out a better way to do this so that your mother doesn't have to lift a finger. Talk to the hospice workers to find out who can be with your father while you all go out to dinner (even if it's a major holiday). Also, while you're there, do their laundry (wash, fold and put away), take out the trash, etc. Don't do anything that would create more work for her (as in, don't leave clean laundry piled in the basket, don't do a load of dishes and leave them to dry on the counter for her to put away). Would she go for a massage? If so, get her a gift certificate. You implied she seems to like seeing her grandchildren, you could offer to be with your father while she takes them to the park or for ice cream, or just while they hang out together in the family room (or whatever she likes to do).

Anonymous wrote:All PP's criticizing OP's attitude, did you actually read the MULTIPLE times she has said that the mom has refused to consider a nursing home, and has therefore CHOSEN to be the primary caregiver? The mom is playing the martyr, plain and simple. Sorry, but I lack sympathy for anyone who has the opportunity to make their life a little less stressful and refuses to take it. Team OP.

Anonymous wrote:
Your mother suffers from anxiety and depression, among other things.
Your mother has the immense burden of being the primary caregiver for someone with Alzheimer's.

And you dare to criticize her emotional reactions when she had people over, that she probably didn't want to host to begin with???

Ingratitude can go no further - you are lower than the low, OP.

You need to support her, because right now she is under incredible amounts of strain. And if she wasn't a pleasant person to begin with, don't you imagine that she'll suddenly become one now, with all that added burden. Who would?

So consider her well-being first. Don't encourage her or enable her to host or extend herself in anyway for anybody except your father.
Next year invite her to a Holiday meal at a nice hotel/restaurant or a gathering at somebody else's house.
During the year, if you're far away and can't pitch in, at least phone regularly and just listen to her complaints.

Now I've seen it all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I posted previously - my father has Alzheimers and I found your original post almost unbelievable. In your followup posts you have offered more detail but what comes through is an incredible lack of sympathy for your mother. Before you criticize her, you have to understand what she is dealing with on a daily basis. Alzheimers is a horrific disease - it robs patients of their lucidity and their dignity and eventually their basic skills of self care.

I speak with my father multiple times a day; I am an adult who appreciates the disease (my grandmother had it also, and lived with us when I was a kid) but it still breaks my heart every time. Your mother is living this. She is seeing the most important person in her life reverted to an infantile state, and she is responsible for his daily care. Can you not understand why she might want a little help with taking out the trash?

I'm guessing from your post you are relatively young. And since your father is only 64, I should mention, my mother died at 63 of cancer. No one should suffer and die at this age. It's awful, and you are probably grieving yourself over what is to come. But please, find a more healthy way to process your grief than heaping blame on your mother. Invest yourself in trying to find high-quality care for your father, either as a respite or in a nursing facility. And recognize that what your mother has done is heroic; try to support her instead of criticizing her for being negative during your visit.

I think what Op is saying is that she IS trying to think of things like respite care, nursing homes, etc but her mom is having none of it. It is hard to be thousands of miles away with something so major going on with your parents.

It is then difficult for Op to see her mom struggling so with the care giving. It is obviously taking a toll on her mom. But what can Op reasonably do to help when she lives so far away, has kids that need her and her mom refuses any kind of respite help, whatsoever.

This is the part that is going to be hard: Sometimes life truly gets horrible and you just do the best you can with a horrendous situation. That is what Op's mom is doing. There is no way to make the loss that she is enduring any better for her. Sometimes all you can do is hold their hand as they walk through it.

We all wish OP would do even that, PP.
Point is, she's just adding to her mother's load and then had the gall to go on DCUM to vent about her mother's treatment of her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I posted previously - my father has Alzheimers and I found your original post almost unbelievable. In your followup posts you have offered more detail but what comes through is an incredible lack of sympathy for your mother. Before you criticize her, you have to understand what she is dealing with on a daily basis. Alzheimers is a horrific disease - it robs patients of their lucidity and their dignity and eventually their basic skills of self care.

I speak with my father multiple times a day; I am an adult who appreciates the disease (my grandmother had it also, and lived with us when I was a kid) but it still breaks my heart every time. Your mother is living this. She is seeing the most important person in her life reverted to an infantile state, and she is responsible for his daily care. Can you not understand why she might want a little help with taking out the trash?

I'm guessing from your post you are relatively young. And since your father is only 64, I should mention, my mother died at 63 of cancer. No one should suffer and die at this age. It's awful, and you are probably grieving yourself over what is to come. But please, find a more healthy way to process your grief than heaping blame on your mother. Invest yourself in trying to find high-quality care for your father, either as a respite or in a nursing facility. And recognize that what your mother has done is heroic; try to support her instead of criticizing her for being negative during your visit.

I think what Op is saying is that she IS trying to think of things like respite care, nursing homes, etc but her mom is having none of it. It is hard to be thousands of miles away with something so major going on with your parents.

It is then difficult for Op to see her mom struggling so with the care giving. It is obviously taking a toll on her mom. But what can Op reasonably do to help when she lives so far away, has kids that need her and her mom refuses any kind of respite help, whatsoever.

This is the part that is going to be hard: Sometimes life truly gets horrible and you just do the best you can with a horrendous situation. That is what Op's mom is doing. There is no way to make the loss that she is enduring any better for her. Sometimes all you can do is hold their hand as they walk through it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I posted previously - my father has Alzheimers and I found your original post almost unbelievable. In your followup posts you have offered more detail but what comes through is an incredible lack of sympathy for your mother. Before you criticize her, you have to understand what she is dealing with on a daily basis. Alzheimers is a horrific disease - it robs patients of their lucidity and their dignity and eventually their basic skills of self care.

I speak with my father multiple times a day; I am an adult who appreciates the disease (my grandmother had it also, and lived with us when I was a kid) but it still breaks my heart every time. Your mother is living this. She is seeing the most important person in her life reverted to an infantile state, and she is responsible for his daily care. Can you not understand why she might want a little help with taking out the trash?

I'm guessing from your post you are relatively young. And since your father is only 64, I should mention, my mother died at 63 of cancer. No one should suffer and die at this age. It's awful, and you are probably grieving yourself over what is to come. But please, find a more healthy way to process your grief than heaping blame on your mother. Invest yourself in trying to find high-quality care for your father, either as a respite or in a nursing facility. And recognize that what your mother has done is heroic; try to support her instead of criticizing her for being negative during your visit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother would never allow us to put her or our father in a nursing home. She's seen too many of her friends die within a few months of being moved there that she's biased against all nursing homes. The really good ones are very expensive and if you don't have a family member visiting regularly and talking to the nurses and caretakers you may end up with poorer care than someone who's family is very involved. I understand your mother's point of view.

But the mother is there and could visit daily (as well as the mother's siblings) and be very involved in their care. She just does not want to consider it.