Reply to phantom allergy: what to say

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  To address some of the questions...I don't know how the mom had the epi-pen if the kid is not allergic because I am fortunate enough not to have to deal with allergies in my house (we have plenty of other challenges) so I just don't know the ins-and-outs and was going on what I was told.  This is a relatively new friendship for my child and for me as we are new to the area.  As for the PB, I put it on the top shelf in the pantry to make sure make sure my other kids didn't get at it while he was here (that was my big worry because they like to dip carrots in it). My understanding was (from the mom) that the kid had a clear idea of what he could and could not have. My 9 year old often forages through the pantry getting snacks and I don't have a problem with that.  However we have had a discussion about him letting his friend eat a banned product without telling me instantly as I had explained that his friend should not eat nuts.  But that's another issue.

Not to sound defensive but I note that in response to the pp who said I should have better supervision...you may be right but I rarely still track my 9 year old around.  The reason why I didn't say anything to the mom (and for the record but DH said I should have immediately done so) was that I got a strong feeling from the kid that he DID know what he could eat and was fine with nuts but his mom wasn't.  I felt really sad for him when he sort of intimated that it was a parental issue (mom) and emphasized that he was allowed nuts when with his dad and never got sick.  Having read some of the posts I don't think I did the right thing. I followed my heart in this instance instead of my head as the kid seemed sad and nervous when trying to persuade me not to call his mom.  Otherwise he was in excellent form.  Problem is that having said nothing at the time, I certainly cannot say anything now.  Interestingly we're due to meet the dad at a game soon.  Obviously I have NO intention of saying anything to him but I'll be intrigued to see if he says anything to me.  And in this instance I stand corrected.  DH wins.  I should have called mom.     [/quote]

What a horrid father to give his kid nuts behind the mother's back.

I don't understand why anyone would think this mother is a loon for this situation. I would assume there is a lot we don't know -- like maybe the mom has experienced her kid going through anaphylaxis in the past and has no desire to "test" peanuts. I can certainly understand that.

Again, what a HORRID father for giving his kid nuts during his time with his child, behind the mother's back. Gross behavior, not only for doing it behind her back but for obviously teaching his own kid to lie to his mother. Really foul behavior.[/quote]

Why would YOU assume the father allows his son nuts behind the mother's back just to spite her & encourages her to lie to her about it?

This Ian't to say the mother is necessarily crazy. That & the father being "horrid" aren't the only 2 options (though either is a possibility, I guess).Perhaps the boy was able to sneak peanut butter or another nut product while with his father & the father found out about it & was highly concerned (& even got him medical attention) until he saw the child had no reaction & had outgrown the allergy (& had this confirmed by a doctor)? Maybe he told the mother what happened but, since nut allergies are so serious, she is nonetheless still afraid to allow him nuts & tells other parents not to give them to him but knows the father disagrees with this & allows him to have nuts? Maybe the child was routinely tested to see if he had outgrown his allergy & at one point the tests shows he has, in fact outgrown the allergy so his dad lets him have nuts but the mother is still too afraid to allow this & still tells others he is allergic to prevent a potential reaction even though she knows one would be highly unlikely at this point (again, understandable that she might still have this fear, given how deadly nut allergies can be) but knows the dad disagrees & allows him nuts (also understandable if it has been confirmed that the child no longer has a nut allergy, particularly since the father has likely seen with his own eyes that the child has no reaction after eating them )?

Sometimes parents disagree on things & allow their children to do different things. This doesn't necessarily mean that one is crazy or the other is horrid & encourages the child to lie or hide things.[/quote]

This makes no sense. The boy said he was ALLOWED nuts by his father, not that he sneaks them. How would you feel if you were afraid your kid would suffer a fatal reaction to nuts and were bending over backward to avoid it, only to have the other parent decide he can give him nuts any time? If he is eating nuts regularly at his father's then he is not allergic and the mother would calm down -- unless she is not being told, which seems clear from the OP's follow up post. He begged her not to tell his mother. He is clearly eating nuts behind his mother's back, with the permission of his father, and lying to her. I don't see how that is a healthy dynamic. Sounds horrid.[/quote]

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