Reply to Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?

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Reply to "Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your husband is totally out of line.  There is no excuse to call you a bitch for holding him to an agreement.  And also, you are pregnant enough to be as big a bitch as you want and expect everyone to put up with it.  So bitch on!

Aside from that, it seems you are both failing to communicate effectively.  I had the same fight with my husband once, about cleaning pre-MIL visit, and eventually I figured out that he did not see it as important to have the cleaning done prior to the guests' arrival-- his excuse was that it would be easier later because his mom would help him.  I just about killed him.  Anyway, if there is a hard deadline on the chores, be sure to convey the deadline and its importance very explicitly.  The other annoying thing my husband does is agree to do something and then "bump it down the priority list" (i.e., blow it off without admitting to himself that he is doing so) when something of greater perceived importance arises.  So when I want to make sure he does something, I explicitly indicate that it is very important to me and cannot be bumped.  That way I do not have to listen to his bullshit excuses.  After a year or so of being crystal-clear about deadlines, he got a lot better.

You seem to think that expressing your boundaries and having reasonable expectations of respect and partnership will be bad for your marriage.  That is totally backwards.  Learning to communicate clearly and hold each other to a fair standard will be better for your marriage in the long run.  It is not a binary choice between divorce vs. being disrespected and doing all the chores yourself for the rest of your life.  There is a middle ground, and it is going to counseling and learning to communicate clearly.  So don't let this go-- after your guests are gone, sit down calmly with your husband and try to talk it out, and decide what you can do to work on your communication as a couple.

I can't afford monthly cleaners, so I save up and get cleanings as needed before having houseguests.  It's totally, totally worth it.  [/quote]

This is good advice. My DH has some of these tendencies. He also will completely put his defensive b.s. on me in the way you describe, OP. I.e., getting mad at me when I identify some deficiency or failure to do something he committed to do. Accusations that I'm being a martyr or passive-aggressive are not uncommon. I find it enraging but let's leave that aside. In addition to communicating effectively about deadlines, I would suggest being straightforward and assertive about your expectations about how you'll be treated and how you'll be dividing up the labor starting next week when baby #2 has arrived. I wouldn't be shy about pointing out that him calling you a martyr and a bitch is, in addition to being completely out of line, is a total projection b/c he feels like a bag of crap for letting his 10 months pregnant wife do manual labor that he slacked on doing. He should feel that way and he can avoid that feeling in the future by doing what he says he'll do.

I'm expecting my second as well and spent about a year after my first was born being mad at DH for not pitching in more. Then I started telling him exactly what I expected. We're still working on it but things are a lot better. I assume that your DH like mine has good qualities that balance out this kind of stuff, but I will say that if you can't solve the communication, or if you do solve it and he's still not willing to step up, then I would very seriously consider divorce. I was getting to the point where I felt a lot of hate and contempt for my DH just based on this seemingly mundane stuff and it was NOT a good relationship. Things can get better but they can also get pretty bad. [/quote]

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