Anonymous
08/16/2014 22:10
Subject: Re:Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:OP - is your husband the dog walker that makes more working part time than you do at your administrative job working full time?
Yes, I thought this too.
Anonymous
08/16/2014 21:49
Subject: Re:Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:Your husband is totally out of line. There is no excuse to call you a bitch for holding him to an agreement. And also, you are pregnant enough to be as big a bitch as you want and expect everyone to put up with it. So bitch on!
Aside from that, it seems you are both failing to communicate effectively. I had the same fight with my husband once, about cleaning pre-MIL visit, and eventually I figured out that he did not see it as important to have the cleaning done prior to the guests' arrival-- his excuse was that it would be easier later because his mom would help him. I just about killed him. Anyway, if there is a hard deadline on the chores, be sure to convey the deadline and its importance very explicitly. The other annoying thing my husband does is agree to do something and then "bump it down the priority list" (i.e., blow it off without admitting to himself that he is doing so) when something of greater perceived importance arises. So when I want to make sure he does something, I explicitly indicate that it is very important to me and cannot be bumped. That way I do not have to listen to his bullshit excuses. After a year or so of being crystal-clear about deadlines, he got a lot better.
You seem to think that expressing your boundaries and having reasonable expectations of respect and partnership will be bad for your marriage. That is totally backwards. Learning to communicate clearly and hold each other to a fair standard will be better for your marriage in the long run. It is not a binary choice between divorce vs. being disrespected and doing all the chores yourself for the rest of your life. There is a middle ground, and it is going to counseling and learning to communicate clearly. So don't let this go-- after your guests are gone, sit down calmly with your husband and try to talk it out, and decide what you can do to work on your communication as a couple.
I can't afford monthly cleaners, so I save up and get cleanings as needed before having houseguests. It's totally, totally worth it.
This is good advice. My DH has some of these tendencies. He also will completely put his defensive b.s. on me in the way you describe, OP. I.e., getting mad at me when I identify some deficiency or failure to do something he committed to do. Accusations that I'm being a martyr or passive-aggressive are not uncommon. I find it enraging but let's leave that aside. In addition to communicating effectively about deadlines, I would suggest being straightforward and assertive about your expectations about how you'll be treated and how you'll be dividing up the labor starting next week when baby #2 has arrived. I wouldn't be shy about pointing out that him calling you a martyr and a bitch is, in addition to being completely out of line, is a total projection b/c he feels like a bag of crap for letting his 10 months pregnant wife do manual labor that he slacked on doing. He should feel that way and he can avoid that feeling in the future by doing what he says he'll do.
I'm expecting my second as well and spent about a year after my first was born being mad at DH for not pitching in more. Then I started telling him exactly what I expected. We're still working on it but things are a lot better. I assume that your DH like mine has good qualities that balance out this kind of stuff, but I will say that if you can't solve the communication, or if you do solve it and he's still not willing to step up, then I would very seriously consider divorce. I was getting to the point where I felt a lot of hate and contempt for my DH just based on this seemingly mundane stuff and it was NOT a good relationship. Things can get better but they can also get pretty bad.
Anonymous
08/16/2014 21:03
Subject: Re:Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
Yeah, OP, we'd be in therapy tomorrow or I'd be filing for divorce. His behavior was inexcusable...and it can't possibly be the first time you've seen this side of him? Couples counseling or a divorce. You're already doing most of the home work anyway and with shared custody he can continue doing some of the daycare p/u and d/o and you'd at least have some time to find your self-respect.
Anonymous
08/16/2014 20:37
Subject: Re:Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
Your husband is totally out of line. There is no excuse to call you a bitch for holding him to an agreement. And also, you are pregnant enough to be as big a bitch as you want and expect everyone to put up with it. So bitch on!
Aside from that, it seems you are both failing to communicate effectively. I had the same fight with my husband once, about cleaning pre-MIL visit, and eventually I figured out that he did not see it as important to have the cleaning done prior to the guests' arrival-- his excuse was that it would be easier later because his mom would help him. I just about killed him. Anyway, if there is a hard deadline on the chores, be sure to convey the deadline and its importance very explicitly. The other annoying thing my husband does is agree to do something and then "bump it down the priority list" (i.e., blow it off without admitting to himself that he is doing so) when something of greater perceived importance arises. So when I want to make sure he does something, I explicitly indicate that it is very important to me and cannot be bumped. That way I do not have to listen to his bullshit excuses. After a year or so of being crystal-clear about deadlines, he got a lot better.
You seem to think that expressing your boundaries and having reasonable expectations of respect and partnership will be bad for your marriage. That is totally backwards. Learning to communicate clearly and hold each other to a fair standard will be better for your marriage in the long run. It is not a binary choice between divorce vs. being disrespected and doing all the chores yourself for the rest of your life. There is a middle ground, and it is going to counseling and learning to communicate clearly. So don't let this go-- after your guests are gone, sit down calmly with your husband and try to talk it out, and decide what you can do to work on your communication as a couple.
I can't afford monthly cleaners, so I save up and get cleanings as needed before having houseguests. It's totally, totally worth it.
Aside from that, it seems you are both failing to communicate effectively. I had the same fight with my husband once, about cleaning pre-MIL visit, and eventually I figured out that he did not see it as important to have the cleaning done prior to the guests' arrival-- his excuse was that it would be easier later because his mom would help him. I just about killed him. Anyway, if there is a hard deadline on the chores, be sure to convey the deadline and its importance very explicitly. The other annoying thing my husband does is agree to do something and then "bump it down the priority list" (i.e., blow it off without admitting to himself that he is doing so) when something of greater perceived importance arises. So when I want to make sure he does something, I explicitly indicate that it is very important to me and cannot be bumped. That way I do not have to listen to his bullshit excuses. After a year or so of being crystal-clear about deadlines, he got a lot better.
You seem to think that expressing your boundaries and having reasonable expectations of respect and partnership will be bad for your marriage. That is totally backwards. Learning to communicate clearly and hold each other to a fair standard will be better for your marriage in the long run. It is not a binary choice between divorce vs. being disrespected and doing all the chores yourself for the rest of your life. There is a middle ground, and it is going to counseling and learning to communicate clearly. So don't let this go-- after your guests are gone, sit down calmly with your husband and try to talk it out, and decide what you can do to work on your communication as a couple.
I can't afford monthly cleaners, so I save up and get cleanings as needed before having houseguests. It's totally, totally worth it.
Anonymous
08/16/2014 19:52
Subject: Re:Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
OP - is your husband the dog walker that makes more working part time than you do at your administrative job working full time?
Anonymous
08/16/2014 19:49
Subject: Re:Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
While I understand why you were cleaning when you got home, once my husband called me a bitch, I would stop and tell him this: "I'm done cleaning. When your mother gets here, I can tell her about our bargain this morning and how you failed to keep it. Or you can help me clean."
Anonymous
08/16/2014 19:49
Subject: Re:Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
OP,
Your husband is a f-ing ass!ole. I'm sorry you're dealing with this so close to your second baby. I am a new mom to two, and it's insane how much more work it is trying to bathe, feed and put two kids down every night. If my husband (who is not perfect by the way) didn't do his share, we would sink pretty quickly.
I know it's not easy to walk away from a spouse, especially when you have 2 kids, but I'm also really shocked that you are willing to sleep w/ such a selfish prick.
If my husband wouldn't do his share, I would refuse to do his dishes or clean his clothes.
I'm sorry that I don't have a good answer for you.
Your husband is a f-ing ass!ole. I'm sorry you're dealing with this so close to your second baby. I am a new mom to two, and it's insane how much more work it is trying to bathe, feed and put two kids down every night. If my husband (who is not perfect by the way) didn't do his share, we would sink pretty quickly.
I know it's not easy to walk away from a spouse, especially when you have 2 kids, but I'm also really shocked that you are willing to sleep w/ such a selfish prick.
If my husband wouldn't do his share, I would refuse to do his dishes or clean his clothes.
I'm sorry that I don't have a good answer for you.
Anonymous
08/16/2014 19:37
Subject: Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:\Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry for not coming back until now, we've been doing stuff with the in-law and stuff.
After I posted, I got up and started cleaning. When DH and DS came home, he got upset and asked me why I was cleaning and said that he said he was going to do it and I was making myself a "martyr" and trying to make him feel bad by doing it myself. I wasn't mean or anything, I just stated that his family were going to be here any time now, so when was he planning on doing it? (I left that morning at 8:30 for work, so he had until 11am that morning to do it, and he didn't). He said that if I was going to be such a bitch, he was just going to go downstairs and watch TV with DS and I should stay away from him. He apologized later last night, but really? It's impossible to criticize him even in the least without him getting totally defensive and saying I'm being a bitch. I am NOT a bitch, and I do not nag, and I try to be very nice and easy when I try to discuss things like this with him, but it just doesn't work. I'm so sick of this crap. At least the house was presentable. I really love my MIL and I really care about what she thinks of me, so I don't want her thinking I'm letting her grandson live in a pigsty.
And regarding the sex for chores thing, I do NOT demand anything from my husband for sex. This was a special incidence wherein I only had like 30 minutes before I had to leave for work, and I really wanted to get those cleaning things done before then because the in-laws were supposed to be there before I got home from work (luckily they were running late), so DH offered to make sure they were done. I can't think of another instance in our 12 year marriage when he's offered/I've asked him to do chores in order to free up time for us to have sex. Yes, normally chores can be put off for sex, but this time was different.
Anyway, I'm still pretty upset with him, but I've dropped it because I want to enjoy the time that his family is here.
Anyways, that being said, I really wish we could afford a house cleaner but there is just no way in heck we can. It's going to be really rough just paying the daycare cost for this unplanned baby#2, I'm actually pretty scared we are going to end up underwater because of that extra cost.
Number of times DH has called me a bitch: 0
Number of times DH would call me a bitch and walk hunched over for a week: 1
Number of repeat times DH would call me a bitch: 0
WHY do women tolerate letting the men who supposedly love them call them such vile names? I'll never understand it. Grow a spine OP
So, you are advocating domestic violence? That's really nice. Would you advocate a husband physically attacking his wife for cursing at him?
Anonymous
08/16/2014 19:31
Subject: Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
\Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry for not coming back until now, we've been doing stuff with the in-law and stuff.
After I posted, I got up and started cleaning. When DH and DS came home, he got upset and asked me why I was cleaning and said that he said he was going to do it and I was making myself a "martyr" and trying to make him feel bad by doing it myself. I wasn't mean or anything, I just stated that his family were going to be here any time now, so when was he planning on doing it? (I left that morning at 8:30 for work, so he had until 11am that morning to do it, and he didn't). He said that if I was going to be such a bitch, he was just going to go downstairs and watch TV with DS and I should stay away from him. He apologized later last night, but really? It's impossible to criticize him even in the least without him getting totally defensive and saying I'm being a bitch. I am NOT a bitch, and I do not nag, and I try to be very nice and easy when I try to discuss things like this with him, but it just doesn't work. I'm so sick of this crap. At least the house was presentable. I really love my MIL and I really care about what she thinks of me, so I don't want her thinking I'm letting her grandson live in a pigsty.
And regarding the sex for chores thing, I do NOT demand anything from my husband for sex. This was a special incidence wherein I only had like 30 minutes before I had to leave for work, and I really wanted to get those cleaning things done before then because the in-laws were supposed to be there before I got home from work (luckily they were running late), so DH offered to make sure they were done. I can't think of another instance in our 12 year marriage when he's offered/I've asked him to do chores in order to free up time for us to have sex. Yes, normally chores can be put off for sex, but this time was different.
Anyway, I'm still pretty upset with him, but I've dropped it because I want to enjoy the time that his family is here.
Anyways, that being said, I really wish we could afford a house cleaner but there is just no way in heck we can. It's going to be really rough just paying the daycare cost for this unplanned baby#2, I'm actually pretty scared we are going to end up underwater because of that extra cost.
Number of times DH has called me a bitch: 0
Number of times DH would call me a bitch and walk hunched over for a week: 1
Number of repeat times DH would call me a bitch: 0
WHY do women tolerate letting the men who supposedly love them call them such vile names? I'll never understand it. Grow a spine OP
Anonymous
08/16/2014 19:30
Subject: Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry for not coming back until now, we've been doing stuff with the in-law and stuff.
After I posted, I got up and started cleaning. When DH and DS came home, he got upset and asked me why I was cleaning and said that he said he was going to do it and I was making myself a "martyr" and trying to make him feel bad by doing it myself. I wasn't mean or anything, I just stated that his family were going to be here any time now, so when was he planning on doing it? (I left that morning at 8:30 for work, so he had until 11am that morning to do it, and he didn't). He said that if I was going to be such a bitch, he was just going to go downstairs and watch TV with DS and I should stay away from him. He apologized later last night, but really? It's impossible to criticize him even in the least without him getting totally defensive and saying I'm being a bitch. I am NOT a bitch, and I do not nag, and I try to be very nice and easy when I try to discuss things like this with him, but it just doesn't work. I'm so sick of this crap. At least the house was presentable. I really love my MIL and I really care about what she thinks of me, so I don't want her thinking I'm letting her grandson live in a pigsty.
And regarding the sex for chores thing, I do NOT demand anything from my husband for sex. This was a special incidence wherein I only had like 30 minutes before I had to leave for work, and I really wanted to get those cleaning things done before then because the in-laws were supposed to be there before I got home from work (luckily they were running late), so DH offered to make sure they were done. I can't think of another instance in our 12 year marriage when he's offered/I've asked him to do chores in order to free up time for us to have sex. Yes, normally chores can be put off for sex, but this time was different.
Anyway, I'm still pretty upset with him, but I've dropped it because I want to enjoy the time that his family is here.
Anyways, that being said, I really wish we could afford a house cleaner but there is just no way in heck we can. It's going to be really rough just paying the daycare cost for this unplanned baby#2, I'm actually pretty scared we are going to end up underwater because of that extra cost.
And he actually calls you a bitch? Then left you to keep cleaning your own? Wake up, sis! He sounds like a jerk.
Well, I'd be really surprised if OP didn't realize this fact already.
Anonymous
08/16/2014 19:26
Subject: Re:Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:After the kids came, do did the cleaning lady.
It is well worth the $. I'd forgo so many things to have someone else scrub the house clean.
Mine has been with us biweekly for 8 years. I just bumped her up to weekly.
Whenever I had guests come into town- I called her for a cleaning.
My happiest afternoons (and DHs) are the ones we open the door to a freshly cleaned house. She does bed linens too.
OP here, out of curiosity, do you mind saying about how much she charges?
We are in NW. I think everything is more here. I pay $120 for biweekly clean
She does 3-levels of our 4 bedroom house. 2 full baths, 1 1/2 bath; 3 beds.
Now we pay her $120, $80, $120, $80. On the second week she does a lighter cleaning or organized for me/clean fridge or some off job--but every week bathrooms and all floors cleaned.
I know people that pay $90 for a similar size&service and people that pay $150. She's private so less than paying a team.
Anonymous
08/16/2014 19:23
Subject: Re:Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:After the kids came, do did the cleaning lady.
It is well worth the $. I'd forgo so many things to have someone else scrub the house clean.
Mine has been with us biweekly for 8 years. I just bumped her up to weekly.
Whenever I had guests come into town- I called her for a cleaning.
My happiest afternoons (and DHs) are the ones we open the door to a freshly cleaned house. She does bed linens too.
OP here, out of curiosity, do you mind saying about how much she charges?
We are in NW. I think everything is more here. I pay $120 for biweekly clean
Anonymous
08/16/2014 19:22
Subject: Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
Anonymous wrote:OP here, sorry for not coming back until now, we've been doing stuff with the in-law and stuff.
After I posted, I got up and started cleaning. When DH and DS came home, he got upset and asked me why I was cleaning and said that he said he was going to do it and I was making myself a "martyr" and trying to make him feel bad by doing it myself. I wasn't mean or anything, I just stated that his family were going to be here any time now, so when was he planning on doing it? (I left that morning at 8:30 for work, so he had until 11am that morning to do it, and he didn't). He said that if I was going to be such a bitch, he was just going to go downstairs and watch TV with DS and I should stay away from him. He apologized later last night, but really? It's impossible to criticize him even in the least without him getting totally defensive and saying I'm being a bitch. I am NOT a bitch, and I do not nag, and I try to be very nice and easy when I try to discuss things like this with him, but it just doesn't work. I'm so sick of this crap. At least the house was presentable. I really love my MIL and I really care about what she thinks of me, so I don't want her thinking I'm letting her grandson live in a pigsty.
And regarding the sex for chores thing, I do NOT demand anything from my husband for sex. This was a special incidence wherein I only had like 30 minutes before I had to leave for work, and I really wanted to get those cleaning things done before then because the in-laws were supposed to be there before I got home from work (luckily they were running late), so DH offered to make sure they were done. I can't think of another instance in our 12 year marriage when he's offered/I've asked him to do chores in order to free up time for us to have sex. Yes, normally chores can be put off for sex, but this time was different.
Anyway, I'm still pretty upset with him, but I've dropped it because I want to enjoy the time that his family is here.
Anyways, that being said, I really wish we could afford a house cleaner but there is just no way in heck we can. It's going to be really rough just paying the daycare cost for this unplanned baby#2, I'm actually pretty scared we are going to end up underwater because of that extra cost.
And he actually calls you a bitch? Then left you to keep cleaning your own? Wake up, sis! He sounds like a jerk.
Anonymous
08/16/2014 18:45
Subject: Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
Clean the dog pee up with his nicest clothes. Don't do any of his laundry or cook his food. If he gets mad at you for any of it, say, ok, you can withhold sex from me.
Unless he is willing to go through a divorce, if you talk to him about him needing to man up and help, hopefully, he will, probably not 100%, but more than what little he is doing now.
Unless he is willing to go through a divorce, if you talk to him about him needing to man up and help, hopefully, he will, probably not 100%, but more than what little he is doing now.
Anonymous
08/16/2014 18:45
Subject: Is it really a good idea to divorce over non-help with chores? Or should I just let it go?
I can't remember the last time I actually hoped an OP was a troll.