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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I wish someone had offered to help me out during my kid's birthday parties so that I could have enjoyed them and had more fun, rather than always being the one behind the scenes preparing food, etc.  THat might be a nice thing for a MIL to do.

If you think your DIL's house is dirty and you can afford it, present BOTH partners with a gift of a biweekly cleaning service saying "THis will allow you guys to have more time to enjoy the kids."  DOn't just go over there and complain about the dirt, nor assume that somehow or other only people with breasts are capable of cleaning a bathroom, loading a dishwasher, etc.

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Why should your mother in law have to be your worker bee at your kids party?[/quote]

i don't think anyone meant MIL should be a worker bee, but please help or OFFER to help. if you see that mom or dad have their hands full, then offer to help. i was raised to always at least offer to help a party host rather than just be another one expecting to be served.[/quote]

My MIL is not "helpful" and largely accomplishes this by saying she doesn't want to overstep her boundaries etc.  When she babysits, I make dinner for them.  I come home and all the food is still sitting out on the stove.  She says, "oh, I didn't know where you wanted me to put it."  Even though she's been to our house for dinner 1000x times, knows where we keep the tupperware, etc.  If you don't want to do it, fine...I'm grateful for the babysitting.  But don't give me a line of BS about not knowing what to do.

[b]Bottom line is that my MIL feels like her days of doing things out of obligation (i.e. being a mom and wife) are over-- she does what she wants to do and not what she doesn't.  That's fine.  But I don't feel any obligation to facilitate social activities or seeing her grandkids.  If she proposes something, fine.  If DH sets something up, fine.  But it's not my job to make it happen.  If DH doesn't do it, well, that's not my problem.[/b]

I also come from the perspective of not having grandparents (my parents are immigrants; their own parents died when they were children and stepparents live in the home country), so sad to say, I don't come from a place where facilitating the grandparent relationship is particularly important to me.[/quote]

The bolded part is exactly how I feel.  Just because you think your life sucked, and your husband ignored you and couldn't tolerate you (he couldn't), doesn't mean mine has to, also.  My MIL getting married was a way for her to get out of middle America dustbowl hell.  She resents that I am the exact opposite.  What am I supposed to do, be something I'm not, to make her happy?

My hope is that I accept DIL, and that my DIL loves my son as much as I love my MIL's son.  I am grateful to actually know what love is! 
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