If I am ever a mil I will remember what is was like to have a mother in law who sees our choices to do things differently than her as a personal affront. My husband and I love to do things together it doesn't really matter what as long as we're together. Her marriage isn't like that which is fine, but we aren't "wrong" just because we do things a different way. I cloth diaper and make my baby's food. Both things she tried and gave up so obviously I wouldn't follow through either. We are perfectly happy with one child but three is obviously the perfect number because that's how many they had! My children's lives are theirs to do what makes them happy even if it isn't what I'd choose

I think there are two major components of the relationship.
1. Individual personalities of DIL and MIL.
2. The match between DIL's and MIL's expectations, background, etc.

1. When people say that there are two people in the relationship, it is true. My MIL acts like a mad woman around me. She tries to control herself during the first hour or so, but when she relaxes a bit her instincts take over and she goes nuts. I wrote a couple (very mild) stories here and always got in response. I think NIH primate facility could write some groundbreaking papers just from observing our family during her visits. At this point, I am so traumatized by the madness, I am not interested in developing a relationship with her. I don't want to see her, I don't want to be nice to her, I won't go out of my way to please her (impossible), I don't take her interests into account anymore, I don't proactively include her in our life, when she visits I leave the house, DCs and DH visit her without me. Am I a difficult DIL? Yes, I am. However, I'd like to see someone who would stay sweet and calm in my circumstances.


2. My MIL has different understanding of what means to be a grandmother. I am annoyed by the way she plays (or actually, does not play) with my children, the way she dresses them, feeds them, etc. Was she nicer to me, I would not bat an eye - in fact I am completely fine when other ILs do things I'd do differently. However, because she is such a bully, her every move makes me cringe.


I don't know what kind of MIL I'll be when my time comes. I hope I'll have a good relationship with my son's family to compensate for the horrible one I have with my MIL. I'll try my best.

I will be a good MIL by treating my own son with love and respect. When you fail at that part, don't even bother trying with the rest.

^ we do spend time with ILs on holidays, too.

Anonymous wrote:1. Understand that your DIL has a mother of her own and may prefer her own mother to her MIL. (My MIL could not understand why on earth I would have a problem with her being in the room while I delivered our baby. My own mother understood that I only wanted my husband in the room, but not my MIL.)

2. Don't complain that you never get to see your grandchildren when you refuse major opportunities to spend time with them.

3. Remember that your DIL has a family of origin and that she might actually love them and want to spend time with them too. I know it sucks that you have to share holidays now that this strange woman has married your son, mothers your grandchildren, and shares every responsibility equally with your son, but she has a family too and every now and then she might like to spend a holiday with them. Please don't lie and maneuver to create situations where you make it impossible for she and your son and grandchildren to spend time with her family.

These resonate with me. MIL is big into keeping score and feeling slighted because I have a family, too, and don't consider her my other "Mom."

So when we make plans with my family over holidays she always suggests we ALL get together instead.

I don't think "the doing" is part of being a good mother in law - that doesn't sound like an equal relationship. Relationships between adults is best when they view each other as peers. I don't think the-act-of-mothering should continue when children are adults.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes 2 to have a relationship. The women I know who really dislike their MILs have issues as well.

+1

MINUS A THOUSAND. Get your own thread, MILs!

Hit a little too close to home?
Signed,
Not a MIL

Anonymous wrote:I hope to redirect this thread back to the positive stories of great MIL's.

I have never heard my MIL criticize anyone. It wouldn't occur to her to do so. She is a very loving and patient grandmother. On our last vacation, she was up and dressed as soon as she heard kids stirring and made sure we went back to bed. She spends an inordinate amount of time making handmade gifts for her family: refinishes furniture, handmakes cards, puts together shutterfly books, the works. When they visited after our first was born, I was crazy sleep-deprived and hormonal and found myself actually annoyed with her for stupid things like making a ton of noise in the kitchen, not bathing the baby the way I would have done it, little stuff like that. I had to majorly check myself! I wish I could say my own mother is as good an MIL to my DH. She has a lot of positive qualities but falls more into the high-maintenance category. I've learned a lot about what it will someday take to be a good MIL myself.

You are very very lucky. I wish I could say ANY of these positive things about my mil. Among 99% of my friends, it's dh's mom that is the "problem mil" and never the wife's mother. Why is that?

Anonymous wrote:I hope to redirect this thread back to the positive stories of great MIL's.

I have never heard my MIL criticize anyone. It wouldn't occur to her to do so. She is a very loving and patient grandmother. On our last vacation, she was up and dressed as soon as she heard kids stirring and made sure we went back to bed. She spends an inordinate amount of time making handmade gifts for her family: refinishes furniture, handmakes cards, puts together shutterfly books, the works. When they visited after our first was born, I was crazy sleep-deprived and hormonal and found myself actually annoyed with her for stupid things like making a ton of noise in the kitchen, not bathing the baby the way I would have done it, little stuff like that. I had to majorly check myself! I wish I could say my own mother is as good an MIL to my DH. She has a lot of positive qualities but falls more into the high-maintenance category. I've learned a lot about what it will someday take to be a good MIL myself.

LOVE this one I love that a she truly is self reliant, she doesn't just say that she is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish someone had offered to help me out during my kid's birthday parties so that I could have enjoyed them and had more fun, rather than always being the one behind the scenes preparing food, etc. THat might be a nice thing for a MIL to do.

If you think your DIL's house is dirty and you can afford it, present BOTH partners with a gift of a biweekly cleaning service saying "THis will allow you guys to have more time to enjoy the kids." DOn't just go over there and complain about the dirt, nor assume that somehow or other only people with breasts are capable of cleaning a bathroom, loading a dishwasher, etc.

Why should your mother in law have to be your worker bee at your kids party?

i don't think anyone meant MIL should be a worker bee, but please help or OFFER to help. if you see that mom or dad have their hands full, then offer to help. i was raised to always at least offer to help a party host rather than just be another one expecting to be served.

My MIL is not "helpful" and largely accomplishes this by saying she doesn't want to overstep her boundaries etc. When she babysits, I make dinner for them. I come home and all the food is still sitting out on the stove. She says, "oh, I didn't know where you wanted me to put it." Even though she's been to our house for dinner 1000x times, knows where we keep the tupperware, etc. If you don't want to do it, fine...I'm grateful for the babysitting. But don't give me a line of BS about not knowing what to do.

Bottom line is that my MIL feels like her days of doing things out of obligation (i.e. being a mom and wife) are over-- she does what she wants to do and not what she doesn't. That's fine. But I don't feel any obligation to facilitate social activities or seeing her grandkids. If she proposes something, fine. If DH sets something up, fine. But it's not my job to make it happen. If DH doesn't do it, well, that's not my problem.

I also come from the perspective of not having grandparents (my parents are immigrants; their own parents died when they were children and stepparents live in the home country), so sad to say, I don't come from a place where facilitating the grandparent relationship is particularly important to me.

The bolded part is exactly how I feel. Just because you think your life sucked, and your husband ignored you and couldn't tolerate you (he couldn't), doesn't mean mine has to, also. My MIL getting married was a way for her to get out of middle America dustbowl hell. She resents that I am the exact opposite. What am I supposed to do, be something I'm not, to make her happy?

My hope is that I accept DIL, and that my DIL loves my son as much as I love my MIL's son. I am grateful to actually know what love is!

I hope to redirect this thread back to the positive stories of great MIL's.

I have never heard my MIL criticize anyone. It wouldn't occur to her to do so. She is a very loving and patient grandmother. On our last vacation, she was up and dressed as soon as she heard kids stirring and made sure we went back to bed. She spends an inordinate amount of time making handmade gifts for her family: refinishes furniture, handmakes cards, puts together shutterfly books, the works. When they visited after our first was born, I was crazy sleep-deprived and hormonal and found myself actually annoyed with her for stupid things like making a ton of noise in the kitchen, not bathing the baby the way I would have done it, little stuff like that. I had to majorly check myself! I wish I could say my own mother is as good an MIL to my DH. She has a lot of positive qualities but falls more into the high-maintenance category. I've learned a lot about what it will someday take to be a good MIL myself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish someone had offered to help me out during my kid's birthday parties so that I could have enjoyed them and had more fun, rather than always being the one behind the scenes preparing food, etc. THat might be a nice thing for a MIL to do.

If you think your DIL's house is dirty and you can afford it, present BOTH partners with a gift of a biweekly cleaning service saying "THis will allow you guys to have more time to enjoy the kids." DOn't just go over there and complain about the dirt, nor assume that somehow or other only people with breasts are capable of cleaning a bathroom, loading a dishwasher, etc.

Why should your mother in law have to be your worker bee at your kids party?

i don't think anyone meant MIL should be a worker bee, but please help or OFFER to help. if you see that mom or dad have their hands full, then offer to help. i was raised to always at least offer to help a party host rather than just be another one expecting to be served.

My MIL is not "helpful" and largely accomplishes this by saying she doesn't want to overstep her boundaries etc. When she babysits, I make dinner for them. I come home and all the food is still sitting out on the stove. She says, "oh, I didn't know where you wanted me to put it." Even though she's been to our house for dinner 1000x times, knows where we keep the tupperware, etc. If you don't want to do it, fine...I'm grateful for the babysitting. But don't give me a line of BS about not knowing what to do.

Bottom line is that my MIL feels like her days of doing things out of obligation (i.e. being a mom and wife) are over-- she does what she wants to do and not what she doesn't. That's fine. But I don't feel any obligation to facilitate social activities or seeing her grandkids. If she proposes something, fine. If DH sets something up, fine. But it's not my job to make it happen. If DH doesn't do it, well, that's not my problem.

I also come from the perspective of not having grandparents (my parents are immigrants; their own parents died when they were children and stepparents live in the home country), so sad to say, I don't come from a place where facilitating the grandparent relationship is particularly important to me.

Anonymous wrote:I would enjoy my grandkids! They are only little once. To miss out, and prefer to spend time at home watching mindless t.v. or doing crossword puzzles is reprehensible. Grandkids keep people young, and really, is what life is all about. NOT just your DD's kids, but your DS's kids, too. What a shame to miss out.

I would also watch them while DIL and DS go away fro a nice weekend. After all, I watched DD's kids for a week or two (!!!) while they went away - my DIL and DS do not need any less rest then anyone else.

We have the same MIL... and it's frustrating!

don't insist on some crazy name for yourself because you're too cool for Grandma.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-a-name-game-a-grandmother-must-avoid-for-the-sake-of-family-bonds/2014/07/22/78afd51c-06bd-11e4-a0dd-f2b22a257353_story.html

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish someone had offered to help me out during my kid's birthday parties so that I could have enjoyed them and had more fun, rather than always being the one behind the scenes preparing food, etc. THat might be a nice thing for a MIL to do.

If you think your DIL's house is dirty and you can afford it, present BOTH partners with a gift of a biweekly cleaning service saying "THis will allow you guys to have more time to enjoy the kids." DOn't just go over there and complain about the dirt, nor assume that somehow or other only people with breasts are capable of cleaning a bathroom, loading a dishwasher, etc.

Why should your mother in law have to be your worker bee at your kids party?

i don't think anyone meant MIL should be a worker bee, but please help or OFFER to help. if you see that mom or dad have their hands full, then offer to help. i was raised to always at least offer to help a party host rather than just be another one expecting to be served.