Reply to Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't

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[quote=Anonymous]8:24 here.

So I'm the one who doesn't think "be a great aunt!" is a helpful suggestion.

I've explained why.

But now I'll offer what I do think might be helpful.

First, if you are still trying, establish a firm window of time for trying and kind of an endpoint, a point at which you will stop trying (maybe this is a time frame, like one year, or maybe it is event, like one more of X treatment).  It doesn't have to be "go for broke," but really just lay out in specific terms how much time and resources and energy you can reasonably give at trying before you can feel like you gave it a good shot and really need to move on.

Second, even if you are still trying, you need to emphasize all of the things that being childfree enables you to do.  Get a gym membership or find a hobby or sport or an activity that you can do that would be difficult to incorporate into a life with kids.  You need to feel like there are some advantages to not having a child.  This is what will stem the jealousy and bitterness.  Plan trips or activities -- even if you don't think they will distract you.  You need to do something that isn't child-centric to see that there is life without kids.

Third, take a little break from children.  I do actually think it's helpful, at least while you are grieving and still sore and hurt that you can't and don't have children, to have time away from "family life" and friends with kids.

It's not to say that at some point you won't want to be around kids again, but I do think that until you are at peace with not having kids, it isn't helpful to spend a lot of time with other people and their kids.

Fourth, find some friends who are childfree by choice.  There are plenty.  I think when you are trying so hard to have a kid, it feels like everyone else is either pregnant or has kids.  It feels like you are the only one.  Being around people who willingly don't have children is enormously refreshing.  They give you a perspective you are missing -- that life can be meaningful even if you aren't a parent.

I am going through yet another miscarriage, and the reality is hitting me that even though I can get pregnant, it seems like there's a very real possibility I can't sustain a pregnancy.  For a number of reasons, DE, surrogacy and even adoption aren't feasible options for us, so it is looking like we just won't have children.  We have determined a set number of additional months we are going to try and we decided that if we get pregnant and miscarry again, we are done.  I actually feel better knowing that there is an end to the struggle.

The other night, I went out with a couple of old friends I hadn't seen in a while.  Both are childfree by CHOICE.  It was just what I needed.  I realized that I have had blinders on and have been entirely too focused on children, as if that is the thing that will make or break my life.  Being around women who are happily childfree, not talking about children or parenting or any of that was the best thing for me.  Neither of these women dislike children, but they both have meaningful, fulfilled lives that don't center around children.  And it's exactly what I needed to be around.

I'm not going to disown my friends with kids, but I know that until I either have a kid OR make peace with not having them, I need to limit the time I spend around them.  It's just a temporary thing, because I do believe that if I don't have a kid, I will eventually make peace with it.  But I do need to have the space and the right environment to make that peace.  I love my friends with kids and I love their kids, but I know I need some time away.  Even unintentionally, one friend will say something like "She's all I've got" about her daughter.  And it stings, because even though she doesn't mean to be hurtful, what is implied is that without a child, she has nothing.  Until I'm okay with not having kids, I just need a break from that.

That's my plan.  And is one that I've given a lot of thought to.  [/quote]

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