Reply to Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP here. OP asked for ways forward. [b]So when people offer their opinions, it's rude to call them naive[/b]. Of course being a godparent isn't the same as being a parent. And riding horses and enjoying a beach house isn't the same as being a parent. But guess what? If she's not going to be a parent, then she needs to find a way to move on. Sitting around saying, nope, nope, nope, that's not going to do it, is NOT a solution.

And I beg to differ on your opinion--I have 12 nieces and nephews and I feel absolutely integral to their lives. I vacation with them, take them for movies and special outings, attend their performances. I tutor one of them and go to art events with another who is a budding artist. I get phone calls every day from one of my nieces or nephews who can't wait to tell me what happened in their day.

Another friend of mine has been a Big Sister for more than eight years now. They got together at least once a month to do things together, and that young woman just graduated from high school and is off to community college. My friend is thrilled, and can't wait to help her Little Sister ready for college.

Do I ever wonder if my life had been different if I had children? Of course. But I don't feel that it's made my life any less wonderful and full--it's just different.

PS. I also have a dog that I adore and spoil!

[/quote]

This is a forum.  One person posts an opinion, and other people respond.  I wasn't rude.  I wasn't mean.  I acknowledged that PP meant well, but I still think it's naive.

It's great that your nieces and nephews have helped you move forward.  But I still think that most infertile women get tired of hearing the "be a really involved aunt!" as a way to comfort them and accept not having children.

It's like the the "just adopt!" suggestion.  Sure, there are people who did adopt and it worked for them.  But most infertile women still get tired of that suggestion because it isn't as easy or as simple as it seems.

So while the "be a great aunt!" thing has worked for you, I still think that it's a suggestion that is rolled out a lot that usually just makes infertile women feel bad.  The idea is "borrow someone else's kids to parent!"

And I would add that the whole nieces and nephews thing is something that is completely out a of an infertile person's control.  I only have one nephew (there will only be one).  And his mother, my SIL, is very overbearing, controlling and has already suggested he won't be allowed over to my house because I have a dog.  I have friends with kids, and I know those friends trust me around their kids and love me, but there really isn't a way to insert myself in their lives more than what happens organically.

The Big Sister suggestion is great, as is volunteering, but I also think this is something that gets bandied about a lot with infertile women (like the adopt).  And it falls into the same category as fostering or adopting an older child.  It's great and noble, but it comes with its own set of challenges, and wanting to have a child isn't the same as wanting to work with older children who are either at risk, have issues, or are dealing with heavy stuff.

I'm not trying to be rude or even mean.  I'm being honest.  And again, I think this is why infertile women (a) distance themselves a bit from people with kids and/or (b) don't talk about coming to terms with not having children (even with other people who don't have them) because they know the conversation will be filled with suggestions like this -- adopt, volunteer -- and then it feels like they should have guilt on top of their grief, guilt that they actually don't want to do those things; they just want to have a child of their own.  [/quote]

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