Reply to Mean relative. How does one handle this?

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[quote=Anonymous]I've read through all these replies, and honestly, OP, I think you should stay in touch and continue the visits (but make sure your kids know the rules and stay on them so they don't "get in trouble").  I also think you should be frank with your sister and BIL when you see the inappropriate parenting.  Don't sugarcoat or cloak it in some research crap.  Your little nephew wet his bed and was being yelled at and made to say sorry?  "Wow, sis, that was mean.  You know he has no control over that, right?"  BIL is screaming at his toddler?  "Hey, do you always overract like that?  He's a year old.  How about showing him what he's SUPPOSED to do instead of yelling?  You're just scaring him."  The racism issue needs to be addressed, too, but I think you know that already--that can be an adults conversation where you just tell them you obviously have different beliefs and would appreciate it if they don't bring that up around your kids.  Unfortunately, people have the right to be racist.  I grew up with some racist relatives and my parents made sure that my sister and I knew they were wrong and to ignore their comments.  Of course, the relatives were all ancient and I guess my parents knew there was no changing them.

Absolutely call them out.  Sure they will roll their eyes.  They will probably criticize your parenting as well.  But don't let them think that you agree with what's going on.  This is your SISTER.  Let her be pissed at you.  Let her not take your calls.  Big deal.  She'll get over it.  She needs to know that you think she's a shitty parent (at these moments).  If that's as far as it goes, and they don't change, then you've done what you can.  But standing by and letting it happen tells them that you approve/agree/don't see anything wrong with it.

I have been on the opposite end, with my sister and her family kind of rolling their eyes at the "strict diet" I have my kids on.  We're vegetarians (although we allow our kids meat if they ask for it--but they don't anymore) and I try to stay away from juice and sugary snacks and foods.  Yeah, my sister has called me out on that.  I know she doesn't agree--she doesn't feed her kids crap 24/7 but they definitely drink soda, eat cheetos and oreos, etc.  We fought about it, we got mad at each other, and we GOT OVER IT.  I relax my rules a ltitle when we're together and I am well aware of her opinions.  Her opinions DO actually matter to me, even though I think she's wrong, and I suspect your sister has some value of your opinion too.

Dealing with the stepdaughter, wow, that's sad.  I would call that out too, maybe while it's happening so at least the kid knows someone is sticking up for her.  Maybe push for that visit and offer to call the mom yourself (then they would have to say why they really don't want her to come).  Maybe even suggest that she's such a problem, they deserve "a break" from her or something and you can give her some TLC.

This whole story is very sad, OP.  Please keep us updated![/quote]

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